Am I being irrational

[Thecamelsback1]

My partner had to work this morning (fine not a problem at all). He said he expected to be done by around 10.30am.

He works outside, the weather wasn't great and at 11am I messaged to see how he's getting on and got the reply that it was taking longer than planned. No problem, I carry on about the day with the kids (age 1 and 4).

I check in again at 2pm as I've not heard anything, and I get told he's just finished and going to pop to his Mums.

4pm comes and I check in again to ask what time he will be home as it's just nice to know whats going on, he said he would leave around 5pm.

Fast forward to 7pm he walks in the door 😒 I know he was at his Mums as the kids face timed him so there's no question of him lying about that. But I just feel so irrationally let down, he doesn't think it's a big deal and said I'm always moaning when I tried eloquently explain that it's polite and normal practice to keep your partner informed if plans change (especially if you've got kids).

I feel like he has zero regard for me, and even though we generally get on fine, I just feel myself moving further away from him each time these things happen.

I don't really know what I'm asking in my post, I guess just for an outlet for my frustration.

Would any of you find this irritating? Or am I being unreasonable

What would annoy me is the updates aren’t forthcoming they’re being chased. Some say it’s controlling but i think it’s common courtesy and respect to keep your partner in the loop. It’s not him being delayed or seeing his mum that’s the issue it’s the lack of communication

@EG94 thank you, I did say to him that I'd just like to be kept in the loop with regards to what is going on. This happens frequently though and makes me think I don't even cross his mind. I feel very invisible

So he finished work at 2 but didn't bother to come home till 7. And presumably knew that you were wrangling both kids on your own on a Saturday while he sat about at his mum's being waited on hand and foot chatting.

Not exactly fair on you, is it? When are you going to get your five hours off while he's at home with the kids?

Given its frequent if be even more pissed off. My ex and I had an agreement, we would tell each other where we were, who we were with and roughly when we’d be home and update each other if that changed.

I don’t mean I’m going to Tesco, alone be home in 15 mins I mean if we’re out socialising with friends

it was largely respected and worked well. It was also for me from a point of safety. If he told me I’ll be home by midnight and 12.30 came I’d call and ask if he was ok, yes he’d get moaned at for not giving an update but I’d know he was ok.

he did slip sometimes but every now and then I don’t mind, if it was more than not I’d be fuming

@haddockfortea it definitely made me think the same as you've written. I think the last time I went out child free was February or March time and I ended up rushing home early as the youngest threw up all over her bedroom 😑

@EG94 this is the kind of arrangement that makes sense to me. If one person knows the plans of the other then no one is left wondering or waiting around.

Everything definitely feels one sided. I was talking to him a few nights ago and when I realised he wasn't listening I just stopped mid sentence and he didn't even notice.

Well the rest of him wasn’t so great he was emotionally abusive and turned it on me that I was controlling but I’m slowly unraveling the shit show that was our relationship and in therapy to discuss it all and identify if my wants / needs are unhealthy or unreasonable or actually perfectly normal.

I’ll bring this one up but I think it’s reasonable request and he must of because he did oblige he agreed to a lot though just to twist it on me at a later date.

wow that is incredibly rude and I’d be so so hurt and just feel completely insignificant. Hmm he needs a kick up the arse or his bags packed

@EG94 wow I'm really sorry that you've had to navigate all of that, and I hope that therapy gives you the clarity you need to move forward 💗

He's a shirker when it comes to bringing up the family.

He will continue on this path, 'working all hours' the saviour and then visiting mommy, such a good boy.

Meanwhile you've brought up the kids single handedly.

He knows what he's doing.

I need to put on a smile today because it's fathers day but I feel so disengaged.

The kids are still sleeping and I've left him in bed, got up to make myself a coffee and used the last of the milk knowing it means he can't have a hot drink on fathers day morning now and I genuinely couldn't give a toss. This is so unlike me to feel that way I'd normally go to the ends of the earth to make sure everyone's catered for before myself.

YANBU, it’s a basic lack of respect.

why didn't he come and get his kids and take them with him?

@PithyLion that would have been nice but the place he was working and his Mums house are around a 45 minute drive from home.

He is taking you, your availability and your time for granted. He is also assuming priority.

You need to sit him down and present this to him as factually and calmly as you can.
If he's a decent sort he'll hear you out and consider what you've said. If he's a lifelong prick he'll kick off and make it your problem.