I think I'm a bit scared. Maybe nervous. Or anxious. I'm not sure. But the context is:
I've been with my fiance for 11 years. To begin with everything was great (isn't it always?!) but as time has gone on I just don't feel the same anymore. He is very lazy around the house, he takes zero responsibility for anything, is obsessed with his phone and is not affectionate or loving at all. He also used to be really supportive of everything I do and now isn't (for example, I'm at uni. He earns loads more than I get but I pay for more than he does. If I run out of money before my student finance comes in, because of this, and ask him to pay more he tells me its my own fault cos I chose to do this. Which, you know, if he was covering more bills than me and I was overspending on my own wants then yes, it would be harsh but much more true. As it is, I cover all our childcare bill and if we overspend on anything, so I think its unfair. Plus, I'm at uni to get a better job so that I can afford to provide better in the future so I think it is rude of him.
We also disagree about how to discipline my eldest (his "stepdaughter", although we're not married). We disagree about pretty much everything actually. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch, but I do think I try harder to have a good relationship than he does.
Essentially, things started declining about 6 years ago and have been pretty poop for maybe 2 years now.
I dont want to split up with him, but I also don't want to stay in a relationship like this for the rest of my life. If I say I'm not happy, he says he hasn't done anything wrong. If I say we argue too much and I don't feel its healthy, he says everyone argues. If I say I need things to change, he says I shouldn't threaten him that I'm leaving him because he would never do that to me. I'm 38, so not old but not young, but young enough to have many years ahead of me (I hope!!!) I feel as though I'm wasting my life. I've asked him if he will come to couples counselling and his reply was "It's you with the problem, not me. You can go to counselling but I'm not". Which I feel tells me all I need to know really.
Here are my issues. 1. I don't want to be alone. My mental health isn't great sometimes and I don't know how I'll cope alone. I mean, he isn't much help, but he is here, you know? 2. I don't want to start again. I'm not thinking of ending things so I can get with someone else, but I would eventually like to do so and I just think I have so much baggage, and at my age everyone else does too, that it seems like too much effort by far. 3. I have an elder daughter, and split with her dad when she was 1. My fiance and I have a 4 year old together. My elder daughter has a lot of issues from her dad and me splitting, even though she was too young to ever remember us being together. I really want more stability for my younger daughter, and also my elder one since we have been together since she was 4. I don't want to feel like I've messed things up for both my kids. 4. we have pets, 2 cats and a dog, and I don't know how we would share custody of them. 5. We also neither have anywhere else to live
My eldest does GCSE's next year, so I'm thinking of biding my time until then so as not to disrupt her at such and important time. She is very sensitive and struggles with school as it is. The idea of leaving fills me with equal parts dread, sadness and relief. Everytime my fiance has done something to upset me the last few days, ice just told myself one more year, and its made it feel so much better. But equally, it feels wrong to continue for a year when things aren't great. Like I'm stringing him along, almost. I just don't know what to do, think or say