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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

9 months after I was told about husbands ‘affair’

246 replies

MyCosyTraybake · 15/06/2024 22:39

My life turned upside down 9 months ago and honestly I have no idea how to move on from this…
This is a really long one!

I’ve been with my husband over 15 years, children, house etc.

Last year a man turned up on my doorstep telling me my husband had been having an affair with his wife who was my husband’s colleague. I knew of her but only by name. I was in total shock, we had a young baby at the time and my MH was all over the place (I had support in place for this and I was doing a lot of work on myself) he’s always been a very hands on Dad and a very loving husband, some might even say to the point where he is just totally obsessed with me. It was just all so confusing, there had been absolutely no signs and I never would have suspected anything. His phone was always around, not that I ever looked, we spoke on the phone daily when he was at work as we always have done, worked from home for majority of the week.

I was shown emails from my husband’s work email but never any from her until later down the line. There were notes in my husband’s handwriting and a photo of them together on a train going to a work event. I was told at the time that he didn’t think anything sexual had happened only emotional.

The story unfolded and it turns out a lot of things had happened in the run up to the guy turning up at my door. The guy had been turning up randomly when my husband was at work trying to confront him, kicking his car in etc. My husband then discovered he had a tracker on his car in the April. I found out after that the female colleague had tipped my husband off as she was being tracked too. He’d also rung another male colleague at some point accusing him of an affair too.

My husband had kept everything from me, apparently to protect me as I had other things going on. The police were called that day as the guy had followed my husband to our daughters school where he verbally abused him in front of our child and then followed him back to our house which is when I turned up.

I got sucked in to what I was being told that I ended up contacting the woman she said everything was true and they had in fact been intimate multiple times (which her husband knew but just 2 days before he told me it wasn’t sexual) Their stories kept changing and it just got more and more confusing. I saw more and more emails, he’d written her a song / poem, a long love letter. By the time this had happened she had resigned and in her exit interview she told them it was because of the affair and apparently they carried out an internal investigation. From that no emails were found and no evidence of an affair. The guy ended up getting a caution for stalking as they were able to trace the tracker to his address etc. He’d lied to the police at first but ended up confessing apparently.

My husband still 9 months down the line says it absolutely isn’t true, he’s denied everything. He says they are both crazy and the female colleague had gone off the rails at work. Other colleagues have told me the same story about her. But there has been such a huge deceit from my husband, affair or not, and I just cannot get over it. We are still together but I can’t take anymore ups and downs. I love him but the resentment towards him builds and builds.

I asked him to take a lie detector, stupid I know, but i’m out of options. He won’t do it and says I need to forget about it and move on…

Where do I go from here…. I will never ever know the truth and I don’t think I can live like that 😔

OP posts:
TakeMeDancing · 16/06/2024 19:22

OP I’m sorry this has happened to you.

In order for a couple to come back from an affair, it only works if the person who committed the adultery admits it, takes full responsibility/ownership of their actions, and agrees to whatever new boundaries the other partner needs to put in place to move forward. Your DH is not willing to do this, which he has evidenced by sitting in front of a marriage counsellor and repeatedly lying through his teeth and playing the victim.

DH has shown you who he is. Believe him. He is a man who has committed multiple infidelities, denies it, and expects you to brush them under the rug, and forget about them.

It is not up to your parents, nor your children, to decide what happens in YOUR marriage.

You have two options:

  1. LTB
  2. Accept that you are married to an adulterer who will continue having affairs and will never admit it. Accept it and choose to look the other way.
KomodoOhno · 16/06/2024 19:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Agreed.

Latenightanxiety · 16/06/2024 19:36

MyCosyTraybake · 16/06/2024 13:59

I wish it was creative writing….

Show quote history

Weirdly, I know of a very similar story to OP luckily not one I was involved in but colleagues had an affair and husband of one went mental, proper went into stalker mode, followed the man in the affair, police were involved and various points over time:

Witchbitch20 · 16/06/2024 20:48

Right.

Longdarkcloud · 16/06/2024 20:49

Sounds like a case of two people with Personality Disorders marrying. The OW and her H have been winding each over up in a sort-of folie a deux.
OP just what do you think will change if you got your DH to admit to an affair? Is it worth forcing the Pandora’s box open?
Tell your DH you don’t want to hear any more about the matter and if anything similar happens in future you will see a solicitor, no ifs or maybes Then concentrate on your own well being and have your DH make up for his deceit by being considerate of your feelings ( you did start your OP by saying he has always been a good husband)

Johnhasalongmoustache · 16/06/2024 20:52

TLDR

ScribblingPixie · 16/06/2024 20:54

This woman at work and her husband are strange, dishonest and very creepy. I'd discount everything they say. You are trying to draw conclusions from a ton of contradictory information. You could do that for decades and never known the truth. I can quite understand why you brought up a lie detector - that is pretty much the only way you'd get to the bottom of it. But the real issue is that, with good reason, you don't trust your husband and you're not happy. I'd see that is the one truth in this whole situation and think about what you want to do about that.

Original poster
MyCosyTraybake · 16/06/2024 21:02

OhDearKarmer · 16/06/2024 18:55

@Silvers11

Not many women who have a nuerotic, paranoid, controlling, verbally abusive, car vandalising maniac would voluntarily admit to having an affair with someone, as she did with op.

I do agree with this. It’s something that has gone through my mind, if it were an abusive relationship you wouldn’t admit to it.

however not sure it was voluntary - he told me he has encouraged her to have a phone call with me. She then blocked me on social media and I managed to get hold of her number so I messaged her. OW husband messaged me straight away demanding to know how I got her number and she wouldn’t reply until I told him. Just another part in this story!

OP posts:
TruthorDie · 16/06/2024 21:07

Longdarkcloud · 16/06/2024 20:49

Sounds like a case of two people with Personality Disorders marrying. The OW and her H have been winding each over up in a sort-of folie a deux.
OP just what do you think will change if you got your DH to admit to an affair? Is it worth forcing the Pandora’s box open?
Tell your DH you don’t want to hear any more about the matter and if anything similar happens in future you will see a solicitor, no ifs or maybes Then concentrate on your own well being and have your DH make up for his deceit by being considerate of your feelings ( you did start your OP by saying he has always been a good husband)

Of all the posts on this thread then l think this is closest to the truth. The OW and husband sound as crazy and irrational as each other. The histrionics do point towards a certain flavour of personality disorder

But l would be challenging the husband harder and demanding the truth. He owes you that surely. Especially as he has form for this kind of thing.

Original poster
MyCosyTraybake · 16/06/2024 21:11

Longdarkcloud · 16/06/2024 20:49

Sounds like a case of two people with Personality Disorders marrying. The OW and her H have been winding each over up in a sort-of folie a deux.
OP just what do you think will change if you got your DH to admit to an affair? Is it worth forcing the Pandora’s box open?
Tell your DH you don’t want to hear any more about the matter and if anything similar happens in future you will see a solicitor, no ifs or maybes Then concentrate on your own well being and have your DH make up for his deceit by being considerate of your feelings ( you did start your OP by saying he has always been a good husband)

I’m not sure what i’d gain. For me things just have to make sense, i’m like that in any scenario in life I suppose. I’ve been trying to make it all make sense and by my husband admitting it I could put that part to bed. I can then make a decision based on facts / the truth.

He has been a good husband and Dad. He has his flaws, but everyone does. We’ve done our best through difficult times, we still probably had work to do even if this situation hadn’t happened. We were still growing up when we got together (I was 14 he was 16) had children very quickly etc so our whole lives have been a learning curve.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyCosyTraybake · 16/06/2024 21:18

TruthorDie · 16/06/2024 21:07

Of all the posts on this thread then l think this is closest to the truth. The OW and husband sound as crazy and irrational as each other. The histrionics do point towards a certain flavour of personality disorder

But l would be challenging the husband harder and demanding the truth. He owes you that surely. Especially as he has form for this kind of thing.

Show quote history

I agree. He definitely needs to take some more responsibility and to be more open about whats happened. He’s very shut down about it this. I’m a talker and need to know everything. He’s the opposite.

OP posts:
TickingKey46 · 16/06/2024 21:30

Wow, your head must be fried! I hate to state the obvious, but it's a massive shit shower.
It's appears you haven't got any clarity or certainty about any of it.
To some extent it feels as if it doesn't really matter if an affair has happened or not, I think you need to be honest and realistic with yourself. It feels as if your not getting the reassurance you need.i think you should free yourself from all the drama and heart ache and end the relationship, I hate to say it but you will be forever reliving this situation if you don't.

Silvers11 · 16/06/2024 21:38

OhDearKarmer · 16/06/2024 18:55

@Silvers11

Not many women who have a nuerotic, paranoid, controlling, verbally abusive, car vandalising maniac would voluntarily admit to having an affair with someone, as she did with op.

Fair comment. You're right

Scrollbreadroll · 16/06/2024 22:20

Not many married women would admit to an affair that didn’t happen and then quit their job over it just to “cause trouble” in your marriage. It’s more plausible that an affair happened, her husband was furious and she had to quit her job to save her marriage.

Castle0 · 16/06/2024 22:24

MyCosyTraybake · 16/06/2024 08:43

@ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo i’d say they definitely used work email, OW said they didn’t look into it properly because she’d left, no point etc. The letter from his boss to say ‘no evidence of an affair’ i’ve never been sure about but 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, no employer would do an investigation into an "affair" because this is not a breach of employment law. Nor it is a breach of company rules (except in very rare specific employers). Against what framework would they be investigating an "affair"?

The work investigation did not say "no evidence of affair".

He has lied to you.

There may well have been an investigation into harassment or something else, but wake up, he could tell you literally anything regarding his workplace, you've no way to know its true or a lie.

SandyY2K · 16/06/2024 22:50

The OW and her husband are not credible individuals.

Her husband is crazy going to the school as he did, then he accuses another colleague. He sounds controlling, dangerously jealous and unhinged quite honestly.

The whole thing sounds crazy, but your husband's behaviour is sketchy.

Contemplation2024 · 16/06/2024 23:04

tribpot · 16/06/2024 09:28

It sounds like an incredibly distressing situation, and for me the most telling bit is that your DH now wants you to stop talking about it and 'move on'. How convenient.

I feel as if you'd be better spending the money with private investigator, if nothing else to help you sort through the categories of evidence you have and how reliable that evidence is.

1 The police have been involved because this woman's husband was convinced she was having an affair with someone at work, but suspected both your DH and another man. He put a tracker on your DH's car and followed him to your child's school.

I think this is your 'top tier' of evidence.

2 The woman in question told you on the phone she had been having an affair with your husband. But she seems to have MH issues, was living with an obsessive who was stalking people, and both her and her husband's stories kept changing.

I think most of the evidence you have about what happened in the workplace, as opposed to the stalking, comes from this?

Either the husband or she sent you screenshots of emails, not the emails themselves. So you had no way to verify if the header information had been changed (unlikely on workplace email that the end user can change the display name themselves, but the screenshots could have been doctored).

3 You also saw screenshots of things in your DH's handwriting, which he claims to have been writing in the office (bizarre) in his own notebook, and which she then stole. These were presented as attachments to emails, but you don't have any of the actual emails. He seems to deny having written out the song lyrics of one of his old songs and claims they got it off YouTube but how did it end up in his handwriting in that case?

So the notes are real but the proof of them having been sent to her is more flimsy. However, enter:

4 Other work colleagues - you mention someone else has told you directly that your DH was sending handwritten notes to this woman and she to him? Other work colleagues have also said the woman in question had some kind of breakdown before she left.

5 The work investigation - who actually told you about this? What evidence of it do you have, if any, that isn't hearsay? As PP have said, it would have been an investigation into sexual harassment rather than just 'did they, or did they not, have an affair'. If it was based on reviewing emails, an automated scan of emails will not have looked at handwritten images attached as PDFs to emails, just the emails themselves. But you wouldn't expect an investigation into harassment would have just been a review of emails.

So all in all a highly confusing set of evidence, and nothing actually provable beyond your DH being the victim of stalking. But you have some weird facts that either your DH has admitted or a workplace colleague has confirmed:

  • he was handwriting non-work stuff in a notebook at work
  • he was sending handwritten notes to this woman.

I think it is also telling that, in the counselling, all he did was protest his innocence. I suspect that he knew if he strayed from this one line he would eventually trip up on a lie. The purpose of the counselling was surely not to debate the facts but to talk about how the situation had made you feel, and by just saying 'but I'm innocent' he could shut that down and make it about him. (But mysteriously he also didn't want to talk about how he had been the victim of stalking?)

Add to all this your DH's obsessive behaviour around you (monitoring you?), the previous emotional affair, the isolating you from your friend to ensure that you would have no-one to validate your concerns, the fact he is now trying to shut down any discussion about it and telling you to move on. None of this points to a healthy relationship, whatever happened with this woman. But there is an awful lot of smoke here for there to be no fire.

I would focus on some more counselling for you alone, to reflect on your marriage and what you want to happen next. And probably also to come to terms with the fact you will never truly know what happened as too many people have told too many lies. But that you should find a version of it that makes the most sense to you, and act on that.

Excellent post

Gymnopedie · 16/06/2024 23:36

I’ve been trying to make it all make sense and by my husband admitting it I could put that part to bed. I can then make a decision based on facts / the truth.

The problem is that it's difficult to prove a negative - that nothing happened.

DBD1975 · 17/06/2024 00:03

OP please just know I had a similar situation a few years when I was accused by a work colleague's wife of having an affair with her husband. It was all total lies, I was in total and utter shock. I thought it was a case of mistaken identity but it turned out he had led her to believe the situation because it suited his purposes.
It also turned out she was an alcoholic but my life was hell for several months whilst the case was investigated by my employers and the police.
People are crazy, some people thrive on drama and they don't care who they hurt if it serves their own purposes. Please just know your husband could well and truly be totally innocent as I was. Before this happened to me I would not have believed it possible but please trust me it is.

Mom2K · 17/06/2024 00:26

MyCosyTraybake · 15/06/2024 22:39

My life turned upside down 9 months ago and honestly I have no idea how to move on from this…
This is a really long one!

I’ve been with my husband over 15 years, children, house etc.

Last year a man turned up on my doorstep telling me my husband had been having an affair with his wife who was my husband’s colleague. I knew of her but only by name. I was in total shock, we had a young baby at the time and my MH was all over the place (I had support in place for this and I was doing a lot of work on myself) he’s always been a very hands on Dad and a very loving husband, some might even say to the point where he is just totally obsessed with me. It was just all so confusing, there had been absolutely no signs and I never would have suspected anything. His phone was always around, not that I ever looked, we spoke on the phone daily when he was at work as we always have done, worked from home for majority of the week.

I was shown emails from my husband’s work email but never any from her until later down the line. There were notes in my husband’s handwriting and a photo of them together on a train going to a work event. I was told at the time that he didn’t think anything sexual had happened only emotional.

The story unfolded and it turns out a lot of things had happened in the run up to the guy turning up at my door. The guy had been turning up randomly when my husband was at work trying to confront him, kicking his car in etc. My husband then discovered he had a tracker on his car in the April. I found out after that the female colleague had tipped my husband off as she was being tracked too. He’d also rung another male colleague at some point accusing him of an affair too.

My husband had kept everything from me, apparently to protect me as I had other things going on. The police were called that day as the guy had followed my husband to our daughters school where he verbally abused him in front of our child and then followed him back to our house which is when I turned up.

I got sucked in to what I was being told that I ended up contacting the woman she said everything was true and they had in fact been intimate multiple times (which her husband knew but just 2 days before he told me it wasn’t sexual) Their stories kept changing and it just got more and more confusing. I saw more and more emails, he’d written her a song / poem, a long love letter. By the time this had happened she had resigned and in her exit interview she told them it was because of the affair and apparently they carried out an internal investigation. From that no emails were found and no evidence of an affair. The guy ended up getting a caution for stalking as they were able to trace the tracker to his address etc. He’d lied to the police at first but ended up confessing apparently.

My husband still 9 months down the line says it absolutely isn’t true, he’s denied everything. He says they are both crazy and the female colleague had gone off the rails at work. Other colleagues have told me the same story about her. But there has been such a huge deceit from my husband, affair or not, and I just cannot get over it. We are still together but I can’t take anymore ups and downs. I love him but the resentment towards him builds and builds.

I asked him to take a lie detector, stupid I know, but i’m out of options. He won’t do it and says I need to forget about it and move on…

Where do I go from here…. I will never ever know the truth and I don’t think I can live like that 😔

You divorce him. Whether or not they had sex is irrelevant - do you think you could ever come back from him writing her long love letters, poems etc?

I couldn't. It's still cheating and he's a liar. He's a liar by the fact he could even do just those things behind your back...so there's no way to trust anything he says now.

Also he's not doing anything to rectify the damage he's caused or do whatever it takes/you need for you to trust him again. His 'just get over it and move on' attitude is disgusting. He's not sorry about the EA/possible physical affair and doesn't care how it has impacted you.

Tahlbias · 22/07/2024 08:59

I'm sorry this have happened to you. It's not something that is easy to get over, even if it isn't true. That slither of doubt must be doing a number on you. Can you get some sort of counseling?

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