Husband on chat

[ByLemonFox]

Long post sorry. Been married 12 years, and he has been unfaithful in the past. We moved on, but he has since been on chat sites/ swapped messages etc. Always causes an upset when I find out, but we move on. Last time was a couple of years ago and it was nearly the end of us. I hadn’t previously given an ultimatum but that time I did. I said never again, or we’re done. He said this was a good thing, and we went to counselling etc. however, yesterday he told me he’d been doing it again, for the past few months. He said he hasn’t met anyone and that’s not the intention.
I just don’t know what to do. He says he’s sorry and it won’t happen again. When I say he said that before, he said I’m throwing it back in his face. What would you do?
Since telling me we’ve hardly spoken. He wants me to tell him what I want to do asap, I just can’t find the words. He was kind towards me yesterday and understood I need some space but today is a bit frosty and wants resolution asap.
I love him and in many ways he’s 100% my person but then he’ll do this and makes me feel crap. I’m so indecisive.

Well you gave him an ultimatum and he's done it again. Knowing that.

His promises not to do it again mean nothing so you know that he will.

If you backtrack on your ultimatum knowing this, you are accepting it. And he knows that. So any underlying fear he might have about what you will do if you find out will be gone. So he's likely to do it more and not less because, if you didn’t leave after an ultimatum, you never will.

What would I do?

I left my partner of 12 years after discovering he had signed up to a dating website. No evidence of messages or having ever met up with anyone. Just the fact he'd registered and got a profile. And just the one. It's a hard line in the sand for me. So I'd have left him long before now!

Well, if you stay with him, this is what you're always going to get. So you basically have to decide if this is acceptable or not
No point discussing it further with him .

Completely ignoring the unfaithfulness, I also dislike how he is putting the onus on you to resolve this.

How dare he be 'frosty' to you and push for a resolution. My resolution would be to chuck him out, but you say he's done it before and he'll definitely do it gain so depends if you want your marriage to be like that ?

Im sorry yiu have been put in this position but there was no point in giving him an ultimatum if you had no intention of following through with it.
As pp said you are giving him the green light to continue treating your relationship with contempt if you stay. He has had plenty of chances to change his behaviour but he obviously doesn't care enough about you to do that .
Know your self worth. Leaving may be hard but you will have more chance of happiness by forging a life without him.

Thank you for your comments.
Just to add, I can’t throw him out, the mortgage is his only. I know I have rights but the actual mortgage is his. I’d have to rent, and would struggle with affording that. Not the deciding factor though, just a sad part.

He knows, and had agreed to, your boundaries. He has trampled right over them. You have two options:

1. LTB
2. Accept that this is who he is, he will always have a “bit on the side”, and turn a blind eye.

The choice is yours.

Whats a chat site?

If you're married surely you'll be entitled to half the house regardless of whose name the mortgage is in. So he will have to sell up, that'll teach him!

So you can stay married to him and , for now at least, have the security of a house, or leave and have the fear of an insecure future, but where you are in control of it, and don't have to live with doubt and lies and feeling unworthy

You’re married so you have rights albeit the mortgage is in his name. The house is a marital asset.
Ring around some solicitors for info about their free half hour consultation surgeries. Get yourself back some power by finding out what your “rights” are. That way you can make a more informed decision.
Say nothing to your DH, just go about things quietly and gather information. Info’ is power.

He is taking the pi*s so tell him that when he’s older, can’t get it up and needs the dribble wiped from his chin , he can look elsewhere because the way he’s carrying on, you won’t be there.

So sorry to hear this.

I think one positive is he told you about this.

This is clearly an addiction that he's not happy with himself. That doesn't make it alright and something you accept but it does mean it is something he could get help for if he puts in the work.

You say you both had counselling but he needs psychotherapy. That would be my ultimatum now and a lot of hard work making you feel safe. If he does all this then you will eventually know if you can stay together.

It is perfectly possibly for long term relationships to get through and thrive this sort of thing but it takes work and commitment and a lot of reassurance. It it was me I'd want both family therapy (for your relationship and the reassurance) and then his own work at the same time.

Just to add, if you do go down the above route then stay away from sites like this. It will not help your own mental health. Instead get yourself a therapist who can give honest personal advice.

Sorry you are going through this. I think he’s frosty so you’ll hurry up and forgive him and move on. I think you really have to think about whether you want to live like this. You have to consider the effect of this continued behaviour on your mental health.

Re the house it doesnt matter that the mortgage is in his name only it is half yours as you are married.