Husband seems to have lost interest - is it me or the move?

[Climbingmama]

Please help. I am moving abroad and my DH and I have been sorting out all the logistics and organisation for months. He’s working extra hard and has been incredibly stressed about it all. But lately he just seems to have lost all interest in me. He grew a beard, he’s talking about getting a tattoo…nothing about me and the kids, just a random scene. He barely touches me or kisses me anymore and never initiates anything when previously he was always very hands on!

im worried if it’s not just the stress of the move… if we move and these problems remain, I’ll be utterly alone on the other side of the world. We’ve had arguments about it a couple of times recently and I tell him how lonely I feel and I want my old husband back. But nothing much seems to change. He sits on the sofa at night on his phone or reading. I feel like we have no connection anymore. Help.

You said “I am moving abroad”, does that mean your husband is not going with you?

No we are moving as a family internationally for his job! I’ve given up my job.

^Ditto this.

It sounds like you could be walking into a nightmare situation. You need to have a good chat with him and get some clear answers about what's going on.

Husband totally disinterested in you and family is not a solid start for moving to the other side of the world.

I’d send him for the first year and join him only if it feels right then. Something sounds off.

Sit him down calmly and say "our relationship is poor and we should not be moving unless it gets sorted".
Is there any chance he has been disconnecting on purpose in the hope you'd send him off on his own? Are you moving to somewhere he already frequents with work and knows people?
I'm wondering if it's possible he has already formed a relationship with someone abroad. His other changes sound like either a mid-life crisis or wanting to appeal to someone else's tastes.

OP
its not looking good
whos idea to move?
sounds as though he is depressed, possibly
talk openly and honestly before you lot move and then decide
Good luck

We move in a matter of weeks. Kids enrolled in new school and given notice at current school etc. I don’t want to leave him. I was hoping people would tell me he was just stressed… now I feel utterly sick. He loves us all, he spends time with his kids and adores them but the physical affection and fun have gone. I asked him what he was looking forward to over there and he said ‘to be done with organising the move’. I was just hoping he’d say exploring with you guys or something.

Well I think saying “to be done with organising and the move” definitely sounds like he is stressed out due to all of the change. Plus is he maybe feeling apprehensive about taking on a role in a new company in a new country where the culture maybe be very different? It could all be playing on his mind. Have you spoken to him about it?

Maybe he is just sick of all the moving stuff and is looking forward to a new job/ start/ country now

Moving is stressful. It sounds like that's on his mind a lot, which isn't surprising.

With regards to the tattoo, why does it have to be something of you or the kids? He has obviously chosen it for a reason personal to him.

There are ways to make friends in other countries, so you don't feel isolated. Check local FB groups, there are expat communities depending on where you are. The parents of school kids can be a good support and social point.

Don't depend on him for your entertainment, as he'll be settling into a new job and it will only add to his stress.

Stressed with the move might explain some of the emotional and physical distance, doesn’t explain the image overhaul of beard and tattoos though.

On a practical note are you moving to a country that will allow you to remove your children if your relationship fails and you wanted to move back home?

You need to open your eyes. There’s more to this. Churchez la femme.

Find out before he’s trapped you on the other side of the world.

But he works from home and we are moving to the other side of the world! How could he have another woman either here or waiting for him over there!? It’s not another woman..I just worry that he’s not interested in me anymore. I worry that the move is causing so much stress it’s wrecking our marriage; or else when the move is over, we won’t get back to where we were emotionally because living in another country comes with its own stresses and strains. I just thought we’d pull together through this strain not move apart.

Tbh, when I'm in the middle of a stressful period, I can't think of anything but dealing with what I'm doing now so when he said he was looking forward to the move being over but not exploring with you and the kids, that's exactly how I'd have answered it.

Once I'm through the worst of it, it changes but if I've got a mental time at work or something I can't even make plans for the following weekend until I have the headspace to do so. Not even to give myself something to look forward to.

The MN answer to any relationship problem is 'he's having an affair'. You know your DH OP and it doesn't sound like he's got much of an opportunity to have an affair.

Stress is real and moving house (just a local move) is one of the three most stressful things you can do in life. An international move, particularly one to the far side of the world, is absolutely huge. But you guys need to have a serious chat and you need to get to the bottom of why he's behaving like this and if he can't give you a straight answer I honestly think you have to pull the plug and tell him you're staying put. It will be far easier to do that than to sort out an unravelling marriage once you've moved and your kids have started a new school, etc.

Bloody hell, as per usual the advice on here on this topic is atrocious.

Believe it or not, men sometimes go off sex. For many reasons, but stress is a big one. Just because he's gone off sex it doesn't mean there's another woman involved.

Just talk to him, tell him you've noticed a drop in affection and want to know that he's OK. And then believe his answer.

Why are you relocating OP?
Can’t DH continue to WFH?

Has he changed his mind about the move and job and doesn’t know how to tell you all?

Can you get him away from all the stress for a few hours and ask if he’s OK and if he still wants the move.

Thanks all for your responses. I’m scared to talk to him again as I don’t want to come across as needy. It’s his job, his move and we’re all going obvs. If I didn’t go, he wouldn’t go. He wouldn’t be parted from his kids. I need to try and engage with him when he’s relaxed and open but finding that moment is looking tricky atm. I just never thought he’d back away from me physically. Tbh it was always the other way around. He shows affection but it’s like he’s going through the motions. I guess I just wanted reassurance that he’s really stressed. God I don’t know what I wanted. Reassurance I suppose. And someone to talk to.

If he works from home why is he moving abroad?

What country are you going to?

Change affects us all, even if we think we are good at dealing with it. Do you think you could be also subconsciously stressed at this upheaval - worrying about his new role, how the kids are going to handle it, what work you might do - and it’s also making things feel a bit more tense for you? A beard and a tattoo don’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things, but because you feel he is distant you might be putting more importance on them than exists?

Also I know plenty of guys who withdraw a bit when the going gets tough, it doesn’t mean they don’t feel any differently about their partner, just that withdrawing gives them a bit of breathing space from the world. I wouldn’t worry too much about the beard (he can shave!) or the tattoo, it doesn’t indicate a crisis. It can just be part of him thinking that he is having a bit of a fresh start with work and a chance to assert himself differently in his new role.

Plus it is his work that is making all of you change your lives, he probably feels the weight of huge responsibility in case it doesn’t work out. So he’s not going to be talking about you and the kids exploring, because he has an underlying fear that it might not work out that way and if his job fails then it impacts on you all. I would honestly try and have a conversation about how he is genuinely feeling about the move, articulating that you’re all behind him and that no matter what you will still be a family. I definitely get that lack of affection is hugely upsetting, but don’t try and equate the symptom to a cause before you know what lies at the bottom of it. I think he is overwhelmed.

If you have given up work and you are all moving he may have a lot of apprehension about being the sole bread winner, the responsibility of you all being happy once you get there, along with the actual physical move itself. He may just be feeling the pinch because it has been primarily about him due to his work albeit I M sure you had some say in it.
can you have a date night, not to discuss anything deep but to just have a timeout or cook a nice tea if you cant and just have a relaxing evening, listen to music, whatever it is that you would normally do together that you enjoy. I would try and do something special for my partner to make him feel appreciated if I thought he was feeling particularly stressed…

I would rather come across as needy than find myself on the other side of the world with a man who doesn't want to be with me and not able to come home because you can't take the kids.

You are moving for him and his job, uprooting your whole life for him. That's a massive thing. The least he can do is tell you why he's pulling away and you shouldn't feel like you can't ask.

So - worst case scenario. You move there with him. For whatever reason he's still checked out of the marriage, so you want to come back. He says you can't take the children with you. You will have to either return on your own or stay there. Are you prepared for that?

I'd sit him down and tell him what you've said here. Tell him you don't want to move without it being resolved, and that there's no point in him fobbing you off or gaslighting you that you're imagining things because this..that..the other example to illustrate what you mean. Tell him this is a serious situation as you are genuinely questioning whether you should move with him, so he needs to tell you what's going on.