How to walk away with dignity

[Peachesandcream20]

My ex boyfriend from 4 years ago got in touch. Not to get back together, said he was having a hard time and had developed a drug addiction and needed my support. He looks horrendous, put on loads of weight and looks really ill. I’ve been speaking to him for the last two months and whilst I don’t want to get back together I still care for him. However even in the last few months, he’s let me down several times.

it’s clear that really he doesn’t want or need my support - it’s more of a self indulgent thing I think. He leaves me on read, doesn’t turn up after we’ve agreed to meet nor call when he says he will. I’m starting to feel a bit used and put down and upset.

the old me would have said something and it escalate into an argument. The old me would also probably delete al our messages - I don’t know why but that always seems to calm me down. However I would like not to return to these behaviours.

how do I exit this with dignity and walk away? In many ways, his return gave me the closure I needed and I can see he’s no better than when he left, in fact he’s a lot worse. But how do I pick myself up and exit with no drama? He may never reply to my messages again I suppose.

You have answered your own question. You have closure now. Just block him from everything and walk away. Job done.

I agree, just block.

The old me also would have blocked and deleted during our relationship. I do work with him in the same industry and we have mutual friends.

I just wonder if there’s a way of keeping my resolve.

I don’t understand why it’s hard to keep your resolve? From what you have described you are literally getting nothing from this. Why would you want to participate in this non relationship?

You talk about the old me as if it’s a separate identity but, it seems to me, it protected you which is a good thing, no?

Regarding him being flaky, that’s what drugs will do to a person, make them endlessly flaky. You don’t need that and why should you support him and his habit anyway? It’s his decision to continue with his habit however detrimental it is.

You can keep your resolve because it protects you from exploitative characters, which he is.

Block him if it helps your resolve or/and be the strong person you are anyway and ignore him.

Just stop replying to him. Just phase him out. Or you could send a very direct message explaining that you're now cutting him out and the reasons. I'm not really understanding why it's so hard for you. He's treating you awful so just don't engage in it, don't message, don't agree to meet so he then can't leave you on read so it turn up. I'm a therapist op and I'd be wondering if you need to maybe look at some of your own patterns of behaviour, do you find it hard to say no to others. Are you a bit of a people pleaser, do you not maintain your boundaries with others etc. good luck 😁

Fade him out. Take longer to reply. Don't volunteer plans to meet. Don't agree to/always be busy doing other things if he asks to meet. If push comes to shove, just explain that you think your lives have moved in different directions now and it's not helping either of you to remain in the past.

Thank you. This is helpful. I think I am a people pleaser, yes. I had 3 years of psychotherapy and it was helpful but obviously there is probably more work to do.

I think my gut instinct is good but I can also be very black and white and I feel like blocking is the sort of thing I used to do when I didn’t want to confront something. I think it can be very helpful but it can also be quite an emotionally immature shut down response which is what I want to avoid.

he has been very upfront and really I just want to manage my own response. I think the fade out and move on with my own life is probably what I want to achieve and just not to respond.

As others have said fade him out. Dont reply even daily. If you do very short one or two words. Never meet again your always busy. He may sense u are distant growing apart and not chasing him anymore so put in more effort but don't fall for this keep strong and keep doing what ur doing. Archive him if u must and move on with ur life dont be waiting on his text or call or curious if he's said anything yet create ur own life and make ur own happiness. You don't need his drama and he doesn't sound supportive of ur needs. He left you by the sounds of things even if he didn't you dont owe him anything your not a counselor and whilst yes his issues might be sad you have ur own going on and trust me it will drag you down. There are professionals out there for this sort of thing its not ur problem.

He's an addict. That alone makes him flaky, unreliable, a liar and a cheat. If you feel blocking without saying anything is flouncing, then send a simple message saying he obviously has problems you're not equipped to deal with, point him in the direction of NA or AA and then block

You can't expect someone in active addiction to be reliable, consistent or behave the way you want them to

He is using you. He has shown you the I have a problem and I need your help card to get a free pass on your mind and play.
Stop replying, block if you want but he doesn't want your help he wants your attention where he find it convenient.