Difficult situation with daughter and grandparent

[Hopingforadvice79]

Sorry, I probably won't give too many details as a little worried about outing myself - it's an unusual (and probably recognisable) situation.

My eldest child is with their grandparent due to me getting ill (mental health crisis - quite severe) eight years ago.
It had been a long time coming and was my rock bottom. I've been in a very good, healthy and stable place since then, two younger children, have got married etc.

I'm trying my very hardest, everything I can think of to help, support and be there for my daughter, but she's not very interested and just gets in touch for money, which is probably normal for her age! (15), but also because she feels I let her down? And the trust went?
I never left but there was a period of 2 to 3 weeks eight years ago when I was in hospital, almost died, and generally was a mess. She wasn't allowed to come home right then when I was at my most ill, but that was only temporary. But in her mind, I did let her down/leave her and that's what's important. Her grandparent stepped in to help, and what was temporary turned into permanent - she hasn't come back in the following years.

I'm grateful for grandparents help of course, for looking after her and providing stability in a very unsettling time for her. but I worry about the distance between me and my daughter emotionally, and that I haven't been able to repair some of the relationship. I'm honestly trying my best to.

Does anyone have any advice how to handle this? My family in general treat me like the black sheep because I've always been difficult, a let down - I proved them all right by letting my daughter down. I don't really care what they think as it washes over me now, but I care very much about my daughter and want to do right by her, but I find myself either giving in to her and spending lots of money on her (which I don't have!) or if I don't, she'll be upset and I won't get to see her, then I get painted as the bad guy by the family (again), bad mother, manipulative, difficult etc.
I wish I could turn back the clock and be a better person and mum, but I can't.

Totally this!
Why did you have more children rather than fight tooth and nail to get the one you already have back?

Because they keep putting a narrative where OP is the bad guy. Because they haven't supported and encouraged reunification when OP did get better.

Did they do a great job raising her daughter? It sounds like they did. Did they step up? Yes they did, Did they do what was best for their granddaughter and her mother? No, not really.

Would you feel the same if OP lost her daughter due to cancer or a horrific accident with long lasting effects and months long hospital stay?

Op this must be very difficult. I think damage has been done but it is not irreversible. You should try to make small inroads but be consistent in them. Can you pick her up from school once a week or have a weekly coffee date? maybe if you know what her interests are or her favourite subjects you could do something together around this. You will meet resistance because she is trying to protect herself but just keep going to show her that you value her.

At some point you need a full, open conversation where you apologise and just hear her out.

I think you’re doing all you can now to keep having a relationship with your daughter. You can’t change the past so helping her with her creative business, showing interest in her school work, friends etc.. letting her know she can talk to you anytime are all foundations for the future.
relationships with your kids change, I found the teenage years the hardest but keep going and as her life experience broadens she’ll make her own decisions about you, whereas she may have been fed a narrative by g.parents.
Writing to her as a pp upthread suggested is a great idea. Tell her what you want for her future, her life too.

Whether or not she's said so, I imagine she's incredibly hurt that you had more children rather than get her back. Have you spoken to her about this? If not it might be a good idea to get family counselling to discuss it. I doubt many children could really get past that without a lot of support.

Sounds like mother was too busy having other babies and a man than bothering with reunification.

Thank you for all the positive message and really helpful ideas for how to connect with my daughter.

update: we had a lovely day yesterday, shopping, her favourite lunch place, and played some netball with her when we got home. We had some lovely chats about school and made plans for the summer.

This thread has highlighted to me what I already knew - some ppl will empathise, even relate, and offer sound and kind advice on how to work on the situation going forwards, how I can best help my daughter. Others will judge when they don't have all the facts and the nuance of my particular situation (which, in a way I get, judging at face value that is - it's human and understandable to an extent, even if my brain works differently).
All of it - in whatever form-is okay.

I'm so grateful for suggestions of what might help my daughter feel included, loved and wanted (which she is, all three, in abundance). Often it's the little things that matter to her brain, and it's these little things that have a greater magnitude no doubt because of the history. I did let her down, there's no doubting that, but I'm trying my hardest, in my healthier frame of mind, to be what she needs. Hopefully I'll become her safe place again, we were very close before.
and actually - in some ways, we still are now. I think I just get down about it and my perception skews.

Anyway, enough navel gazing, thank you again, for your insight and kindness x

Sorry but yes to this. What's the age difference between then. 8 years isn't very long to meet, marry, have 2 more dc while 1st child isn't living with you. Did she have a role in your wedding?

Does she have her own room and things in your home so if she said tomorrow 'I want to stay' could she?

I wasn't going to answer (no offence!) but I've had some great advice thus far, and the tone of your message wasn't that helpful if I'm honest (again, no offence!)
but in answer:

1. yes - my daughter has her own room here, this is her home too. we've just bought her the new bed she wanted. Old one was fine but she's wanted this one for a while.
2. yes absolutely - my daughter was maid of honour at the wedding. We chose not to have guests but to have a 'paper wedding' with just us and kids. The kids said they preferred that (and we did too, for sure). We're having a party for everyone soon, and my eldest daughter is helping me organise and plan this (she's chosen to do the ice creams on the day).

I'm going to sign off now, and have some family time, with all the kids, I wish everyone well, Happy Father's Day all! Wishing my Dad in the clouds a happy one too ❤️
x

It must be incredibly traumatic to watch from the sidelines as your mother has more children while your still in your grandparents care.

What's her bedroom like at your house, has it been kept up to date and age appropriate?

If the last post was directed at me, not offended at all, the dd in your update, involved, getting on with the other dc, doing stuff together sounds v different from the uninterested dd from the OP, so it probably is just typical teen behaviour.

You sound a lot more positive today which is good. You being in a good place mentally and positive, will strengthen your relationship with your daughter, rather than being driven by guilt/shame/fear.

It sounds like you want more, but she can't give you that, either because of the past, her age, or a combination of both. Well, you can't erase the past and lots of teens that age are a bit selfish,a bit self centred, a bit focused on the money, a bit more independent, a bit withdrawn from parents even without a traumatic background.

So, when things aren't going great(as they are bound to be) you need to accept it, wait for it to pass and remind yourself this is what it is, rather than internalising it all .

You went in with a positive attitude yesterday and had a great day. Sometimes it might be a bad day , it happens. You just need to try again next time.

Hi Op. I admire your measured responses to the less kind and constructive responses.

You went through a vile time 8 years ago. You've done all you could since then. Your DD's feelings are understandable, as she was so young when it all happened, and she's still too young to really understand what happened and why.

It sounds as though you are building a lovely relationship with her again, and are doing all you can to gently enoucourage that. Your love for her shines through your responses.

You may have made mistakes in the past. You may have had some serious misfortune in the past. But you're in a good place now, and are doing all you can to put things right.

It sounds as though you family won't be helping, if they are criticising you in front of your daughter, and are being obstructive to you rebuilding a closer relationship with her. Yes of course you'll be grateful they stepped in when they did, but any loving, decent grandparent would do all they could to encourage the relationship between mother and daughter to rebuild, once it's obvious that mother is back on the right track. They will have slowed down your daughter returning to you, no doubt. But she's getting older, and she will see more than you realise. If you remain a constant, calm, loving and dependable presence, she will start to see through their unfair criticisms and accusations. She will see the barrier they have caused. Ultimately, she may be less close to them because of the damage they've caused.

There will come a point, when she's a little older perhaps, to be more honest with her about what happened 8 years ago, about what led to it, about how much you fought for her, and about the unnecessary barriers you faced in getting her back. It's right that she should know the truth of something that will have impacted her life so much.

Maintain you gentle, loving approach, and your understanding and respect for her feelings. You will get there.