Awkward Situation

[LouisPhilippe]

NC, just in case. 😁 Husband has a friend with whom he shares a hobby. Husband has most of the necessary tools, so they meet at ours once a week.

I’ve met friend’s wife and we’ve socialized casually. We get on fine, but are very different people and don’t share the same interests.

Whenever husband’s friend stopped by, he enthusiastically told me they want to be ‘couple friends because you are such fun to talk to’, etc. I just nodded along and said something along the lines of ‘sounds good, etc.’

There was a recent musical event to which the friend invited us as his wife had tickets. Husband was not interested in any of the performers, and neither was I, so he declined.

Since then, his friend has acted quite unfriendly toward me when stopping at ours, he won’t make eye contact, won’t smile, just barely says ‘hello’. As declining the event and his attitude change coincide, it appears he blames me. Which is nonsense as husband would have attended without me had he been interested and I had not.

His behavior toward me is very awkward and uncomfortable, so I have been avoiding him and just let them crack on. But husband thinks I should still put forth effort and try to engage, instead of avoiding the friend.

But I can’t be arsed to try to win him over as he is husband’s friend and I am not invested, plus I detest drama. If he wants to act this way, I feel I am justified in avoiding him. What say you, wise people? Force myself to engage with someone who is deliberately unpleasant, or continue to avoid him?

What a load of petty cobblers!

I reckon your husband said no to going because of 'er indoors' and his mate now thinks your a dragon of a wife!

Just don't put in an appearance when he's around and let your husband crack on with him.

But husband thinks I should still put forth effort and try to engage, instead of avoiding the friend.

Why? To stop it being awkward for him? Fuck that shit. I agree with @ManilowBarry , it's very possible he used you as the excuse for not going to the concert.

Stick to your guns @LouisPhilippe , you're not in the wrong here.

Thank you, and I agree, I don’t feel in the wrong at all. I would never be impolite to someone in their own home, that’s just not on! I will continue to avoid.

Sorry, this man comes to your home and ignores you? And your husband allows him to do that?

My husband would show him the door and he wouldn't be welcome again. Why does yours tolerate his friend disrespecting you in your own home?

@Fargo79 He still says ‘hello’, but no smile, avoids eye contact, acts very awkward, marked difference from pre-event decline.

I am not inclined to expect husband to take sides unless his friend crosses the line into downright open hostility, because he is the only one left who shares husband’s hobby after the loss of 4 of his hobbyist friends over the past few years. I know this is important to him and I want him to crack on, so avoidance seems the best approach.

But you brought up a good point, I will explain to husband that I don’t want him to lose the friendship and therefore my approach is best.

You are allowed to say no, his friend sounds quite immature and needy.
Your husband might have to pull away from this friend. It's your house too after all.

@Steakandwine Yes, he is quite needy and also tends to depression. And he is a retired psychotherapist! 😳

I don’t mind removing myself whilst they engage in their hobby, it’s not a bother and then I don’t see his friend at all. I just don’t want to make an appearance to try to awkwardly engage with friend.

Oh Wow really! 😳

@Steakandwine Yes, I was quite surprised by his profession, even before the awkwardness.

I bet. Well long as he doesn't get too weird around you or your husband.

Sounds like he wants to do more other than this hobby and he's got the hump.

@Steakandwine Sounds like he wants to do more other than this hobby and he's got the hump.

I think you nailed it! Hopefully he will get over himself.

What's husband's verdict on why his friend has gone mardy? I'd ask whether he used you as an excuse to refuse the event. If so , tell him to back off asking you to engage.

I would take one for the team to some extent though if your DH has lost 4 friends from this hobby (you mean 4 bereavements?). I don't mean make any great effort. Just accept this guy is a bit of an oddball, continue to say hello when you see him and leave them to it. If his behaviour gets more hostile that may need to change but I'm sure it'll ease off

@Frogandfish Yes, that is precisely why I don’t plan to push the issue, and just want to avoid his friend and any possible escalation. It was terribly difficult for husband to lose that many friends in such a short time.

Husband says he did not use my lack of interest as an excuse, but I expect friend blames me, regardless. He will just have to sulk quietly as I will continue to avoid him.