Suggestions for coping strategies (for me) when my father visits (think the dementors in Harry Potter books)

[handlemecarefully]

Sadly I really dislike my father...He is a lot of the reason why I have latent misandrist tendancies. He is very much like the dementors in the Harry Potter books, after contact with him you feel spent, lifeless and totally drained

He and mum are scheduled to visit from this Thursday until the following Wednesday. I don't normally let them visit us here (we prefer to go and visit them in their home town [360 miles away] because dad is better on his home turf) but my sister is coming over from Oz with her son for a surprise visit and is staying with us (unbeknown to my parents, they will find out when they arrive)...

Anyway it is hard to explain how utterly life sapping my father is. He isn't a wicked man - just rather stupid, overly critical and totally lacking in social skills. He has no friends of his own because he is such a PITA.

Within minutes he will start: "Why haven't you cleared the junk from the garage?" "When did you last weed the garden" "Your children are spoilt" etc etc and to my children: (barked orders) "Sit up straight,hold your fork properly!!" (children look bewildered and lower lips start trembling as eyes fill with tears)...to the dogs: "Gerrrout the way" accompanied by kick to the ribs

It's hard to convey his utter negativity really. I start off with saying something like "Yeah dad, yeah", I progress to saying (in response to 'why haven't I done xyz' - "Well dad, because I don't think it is appropriate to put the children in cryogenic suspension and place them in a hermitically sealed unit whilst I devote myself to xyz" and I usually culminate in saying "Of fuck off!! FUCK OFF!" at which point it gets rather messy....

Anyway I want to be able to deal with his horribleness in a better more effective way - and I don't want everyone else to have to suffer the trauma. What can I do?

Posted this 4 minutes ago and already out of Active Conversations. Mn is moving fast tonight!

sleepycat - I hope she isn't anything like my father!

Wowee, he sounds like a fucking wanker

The only suggestion I can make is cod's "bullshit bingo" - note down in advance a few stupid crap things he will definitely say and keep a mental tally as the visit progresses

it gets me through many a toxic few days at MIL's, that and feigned migraines

How on earth does your mother cope with him?

i guess its too obvious to suggest just stuffing yourself with chocolate what with you comparing him to a dementor. lots of happy chemicals and if your mouth is full you cant swear at him

no sensible suggestions sorry, hope you cope ok

Bullshit bingo, actually quite a good idea! perhaps in friendly competition with my co- conspirator / sufferer (dh!)

Snice - she is quite laid back and just lets it go over her head most of them time

I wish I could!

If your sister is stying with you could you pay for a B&B for your parents? Say you want them to be comfortable and not squeezed into a full house. Then at least you and your sister can have a bit of a break first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I think it would be good to introduce your father to my mother. They'd have a lot in common. A little love interest on the side might get them to lighten up.

More helpfully (I hope) there is the chipmunk strategy. I got it out of a children's story and it has done me proud for years and years. You have to imagine your father is a chipmunk. You have to look at him with the same interest and animation that you would a chipmunk. You have to react to his misbehaviour as though he is a chipmunk.

Arrange an outing for your parents which don't involve you. A trip to the theatre followed by a meal for two. A present from their loving daughters.

If the worst comes to the worst, you could develop flu and leave the others to cope.

lol at chipmunk strategy! - interesting though

Aha, wasn't that Noel Streatfield, Quattro?

Think the bingo idea is great. The other thing I would do is never react or make excuses when criticised. Just say "Oh" and move on.

Maybe you and DH could practice this beforehand hmc?

I'd try to avoid him in the first place ... otherwise, yes, don't engage. If he makes inappropriate comments, behave as you would with a toddler shouting 'Poo! Willies! Wee!'. Tight smile, move on.

(If you need practice with a toddler who shouts 'poo! willies! wee!', I can loan you one ... purely in the interests of being helpful, obviously ...)

I think rising above it is deffo the wise and mature way to go but I think I'd be tempted to pull him up on EVERY SINGLE BLUDDY THING until he realises he can no longer get away with his constant sniping (this depends on whether you have more energy than him mind you!). You might sound quite childish and petulant doing this but at least you wouldn't explode with pent-up rage!! My FIL shares certain traits with your dad and MIL also seems not to notice . I do think your mum could be enlisted as support though - a quiet but very direct word about how his behaviour makes you dread seeing them and how upset the kids can get.

Sounds extremely difficult HMC. And it does make one wonder about who gave him 'permission' to abuse your animal and intervene with your children in such a brusque manner.
What happens when you do resist his bullying behaviour ( for that is what it sounds like)?? He seems to have learned that he has no boundaries and can impose himself in whatever situation he deems able to.

Can't say I would be subscribing to the bingo/chipmunk approaches, as entertaining as they would be!.

He IS behaving like a bully, not a PITA. Abusing an innocent animal plus being rough with the children equals being issued with a list of minimum expectations of behaviour.

How old are the children?? Why does dh stand by and let this happen? Your rel. with dad may be complex, but dh has less reason to be so passive.

Thinking about it DH absolutely does not let his dad get away with anything any more - he knows I won't tolerate constant criticism of the kids so he explodes in spectacular stylee and his dad is cowed into silence - until the next time

Lol at Chipmunk strategy. Could you explain further please? A few examples perhaps? Am staying with my parents for a few days soon and will need coping mechanisms.

HMC my mum used to be like this until I severed all contact for a year. Now she doesnt say anything. It is all tight smiles and pretending she is the most laid back grand parent in the world to my face and then loads of hissing in the next room to my father. Never managed to cope with it myself so I have no advice I am afraid.

With my fil, I take the chipmunk strategy for low level Daily Mail esq ranting, but anything offensive I say things like 'that was a hurtful thing to say' or, 'I don't allow that sort of language in this house'. Dh has also learnt to do this, which has reduced the fights between them to zero.

For just the plain annoying sniping (my mum does this, which I think is part of her early dementia as she never used to go on and on about household tasks) we award medals (after they've gone) for long track skating (over and over the same subject) etc

BS bingo is highly amusing, but we save that for family gatherings with alcohol where you just know that the same old crp will come up.

So, I'd pick your battles - no dog kicking, no shouting at the kids should be tolerated. Sniping about the house ? 'Dad, if you'd like to do those jobs, feel free'. Repeat adnauseum.
FIL used to do things to get a rise out of DH, and just doesn't bother anymore - in fact he has even started to stop himself saying 'but I know you don't agree with me on that, so theres no point'

This has taken 12 years of extreme firmness from me though !