Do I stay or go

[TaupeLeader]

Long winded message incoming but at wits end.

been with my partner coming up to 7 years, since 16 year olds, now 23 and just bought our first house about to move in.

about 2.5 years ago he started taking drugs, roped in by his friends who only care about getting their next bag and nothing else really matters. At the start it was just casual use and didn’t seem to pose too many issues.

as time gone on, he began using a lot more and more and it began to become a bit of an issue and he would hide and lie about this nearly every time. He was always caught out and would pull the I’ll not do it again card but always did. The problem was he never seen it as an issue and just seen me as nagging and his friends played into this.

despite this all going on, he always remained loyal and never would have crossed boundaries in that sense.

fast forward to July 2023. Boys holiday to Magaluf. A lot of drugs as suspected and got into fights etc. it was only when I was looking through bank statements in preparation for mortgage (after offer got accepted on our dream house) that it came to light he spent couple of hundred in a lap dancing club for a private show. This completely devastated me as I never thought he would be the type to pay that amount of money to have a naked woman dance all over him. When initially confronted he lied and to be honest this very nearly broke us up.

I decided to believe the tears and sob story of how terrible this made him feel the fact he could do this to me and gave him another chance, but the last 3 months since finding out have been sooo rocky, no intimacy and me constantly questioning things. In fairness he has been comepltelt respectful of my thinking and never tries to make himself look better, or get annoyed for how distant I am, hence why I truely believe he was changing.

fast forward again to this month. I went on holiday with my friend and I said to her I guarantee when I am away he will be roped back in to taking drugs despite being off it and doing okay for a couple months. I was right. No I know he has been going through a hard time (his dad just went to prison), but he said he realised himself turning to drugs again would be a mistake.

now the main part of this story, I just had a gut feeling soemthing was up after seeing a girls name on his phone. He had added and text a few girls on Snapchat, one girl who is known for all the wrong reasons had a day or so conversation with him but the messages revealed nothing intimate or anything like that so confused what was even in the point in it but of course he hid this. Then the timeframe when I was on holiday he added another few girls and attempted to add the original girl back he was talking to but she never re- accepted. Again, these girls couldn’t be further from his type and I’m not getting on my high horse but they genuinely weren’t attractive girls and known for being quite strange.

I was so so embarrassed about this because these girls probably thought kmg look who’s boyfriend is texting me and she doesn’t know and it’s just so embarsssimg. I tried to get the motive behind this out of him and he doesn’t even know why he done it himself as he said he genuinely had no intention of it going anywhere.

I just don’t know what to do. I am going no contact for 3 weeks and he has agreed to speak to a wellbeing therapist which is happening on Saturday.

I cannot explain how out of character the texting girls is and the randomness and impulsive of it confuses me and makes me think the whole sob story of not wanting to jeprodise anything again was all a lie.

I don’t know if it was me being so distant or what brought this on but I don’t know what to do from here he has genuinely been amazing in the sense of when we are together always making me feel so so special and has never ever said anything to hurt my feelings ever but his actions don’t match.

I don’t want to loose him because I genuinely don’t think I would click with anyone else the way I do with him but it’s not fair on me if he can’t snap out of this cycle.

does anyone think if he can genuinely quit drugs he might change ? He has blocked all their numbers and agreed to stop going to the bar through the week ( his trigger)

thanks all In advance

Also to add, the conversation with the first girl started off her snap chatting him and him replying, went on about a day, nothing sexual as such but he wasn’t drunk or drugged up when replying.

when he added the other girls and attempted to add her back it was after a few beers and then conversations were each only maybe 4/5 messages

If you stay with him you are setting yourself up for a life of misery: he is easily led by his friends, takes drugs, goes to lap dancing clubs and cheats on you with other women. That is quite a catalogue of things for you to accept and forgive.
He comes over as a very weak person and I would be totally sceptical that he will ever change. He might temporarily to try just to keep you but he will revert to type.
You are so young. If you end this relationship you can take time to live your own life and if you want a new relationship in the future you will meet someone who will enhance your life, not bring misery to it.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You have been with this person since you were 16. Do you know who you are outside of him, probably not. What sort of life do you have outside of him; do you work?. You go on holiday with your female friends which is good.

Is this life with him really what you want for yourself going forward?. You say you love him but do you know what a mutually respectful relationship is because this is not it. I cannot help but think no-one has ever bothered with you or to show you what one of those is actually like. He is also disrespecting you by his actions and poor choices. Such types rarely change and simply blocking numbers is not going to cut it in the long run. He has to be fully committed into working on his own self and he does not seem to be. Do not be dragged down here by him.

Can you pull out of this house purchase?. How committed are you to this now?.
This relationship for what it is is well and truly over and you should not move in with him.

I know exactly what you are saying is correct but can’t help but feel that I’m not ready to leave him because when he isn’t out with his scummy friends we have the best time together. I am early on in my career (work in finance) and I do have a life outside of him, I see my friends 3x a week and enjoy my own company, that’s the thing, I know I would be fine without him in a sense and whilst I have ‘fancied’ other guys before and been envious of friends relationships which seem more healthy, I still couldn’t imagine getting along with anyone else the way I do him. Before drugs he was a comepltely different person and I keep holding onto the fact I can get this person back. He has agreed to take drug testing strips etc weekly just to prove to himself and keep accountability etc and if the counselling is any good and he starts to see what the drugs are actually doing to him I really really hope he’ll see sense because he genuinely isn’t a bad
person like a narcissist or anything like that

And we have key handover date for house and have all Furniture etc ordered so probably can’t pull out at this stage and have paid our booking fees to developer etc and tbh I can’t afford to loose that on top of all the other fees I have coming up to pay for

I'm going to be very honest and direct in everything I say. Don't take that as me not being empathetic. I do feel sad for what you're going through. But you need a wake up call, and that's going to do you more good than a handhold.

You are way too young to be buying a house with someone. I don't think every 23-year old is too young, but the fact that you're buying a house with a known drug-user, shows you're not mature enough to make these decisions.

You are being incredibly naive. You're putting your entire financial future on the line for someone who has proven time and time again he's not reliable, not responsible and doesn't see any harm in drug-use, partying, strip clubs, etc. Never mind how much you'd lose if you pull out of the sale now. You're 23 and can work on rebuilding your capital again. I'd be worried how much money you'd lose if you stay with him and go into debt because of his poor decisions.

You're buying a house. Do you realise how your life could be ruined by him because of this house. You're not married, so you hardly have any legal protection. He could burn the house down with his mates on a drug rampage and you'd be bankrupt.

You keep saying that this or that is out of character for him. Maybe you don't know his character as well as you think you do. Do you know how much someone's personality still develops and evolves in their twenties? His character is who he's showing you right now. This is it. Nothing is out of character, because if it was, he wouldn't be doing it again and again. He's made a choice about what kind of adult he wants to be at 23, and this is it. He's not changing for you. At most he'll lie and hide things from you.

Open your eyes. You're young enough to start over, fresh. And set your bar a lot higher the next time.

I know everything you said is correct and I know I need to leave but I also know that I don’t have the strength to do that. I am going no contact currently and even that’s hard. Another thing that scares me is that every single relationship close to me has similar issues including my best friend who is literally going through like for like as he is bestfriends with my boyfriend but she refuses to believe even though there’s proof, and I do start to think all men are like this. Even the more mature men I work with I hear stories from them and it genuinely makes me think no man can be 100% honest. I know that either way whether it’s as exes or not we will be moving in together shortly and I’m trying not to let this all ruin my excitement for getting the house but obviously it has. I just wish I was strong enough to move on but it is my own fault for giving in each time and even thinking it was a good idea to buy a house with him in the first place.

This whole 'I don't have the strength to do that' story is absurd.
Of course you do.
You're just telling yourself that because it's hard. Yes, it's hard. So is adult life. If you want that, you need to grow up and make tough choices. Otherwise I guarantee you that your life is going to be a string of bad decisions which you will regret later on.

Where are your parents in all this? Who's standing up for you and protecting you? What does your family think of you moving in with this idiot?

Not all men are like this, trust me. There are plenty of good ones out there. But they usually don't run around with other guys who go on drug benders to Magaluf. You're not going to meet them in the social circles you're in right now.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I’m afraid it’s never as simple as “if he gives up the drugs he will be different”. There will be relapses, pressure from friends to use drugs, a lack of commitment to sobriety if the only reason he is doing it is for you and not for himself. Then, when he is using there will be lies, poor behaviour, financial difficulty and character changes.

You think you are not strong enough to leave but you absolutely are - it’s bloody hard at first but it gets better and better and, if necessary, you just need to get through an hour at a time.

I understand some money will be lost with the house expenses you’ve already incurred but what happens when he doesn’t pay his half of the mortgage because it’s gone on drugs? Then you have to cover the whole mortgage and, if you can’t, you’re in a world of financial trouble yourself.

This man is like a drug addiction - you love him and the way he makes you feel when things are good but you must leave him because he is not good for you and will do so much damage in the long run.

You sound like you are someone that has their head screwed on right. You also sound like someone who would really benefit from moving away from your area and starting a fresh.

You got together as children, you are now adults and clearly heading in different directions. Now is the absolute perfect time to break up....DO NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR CONVENIENCE OR MONEY! And repeat that to yourself. Yes you may lose a bit from pulling out of the house now but you can make that back. You cannot get back the youth that you are giving him for free, or the future and restrictions on you if you end up with children.

He takes drugs, his friends take drugs - he is not going to change, his friends aren't going to change. His dad has gone to prison. He lives in a world that you should not want to put yourself into or bring children into.

Don't move in with him. Get a nice all female flatshare in a city, transfer your job or get a new one and have some adventures away from this druggie. You leaving may well be his rock bottom that turns his life around but he won't do it with you there and you are too young to waste your life on him.

OP you are 23. When I was roughly your age I was pregnant, getting married to a much older man. It didn't work out. My much older self now shouts at my younger self - don't do this, what are you thinking. Extracting yourself is hard. Its emotional and expensive. Its scary and unknown. I went along with it, instead of listening to what my head.

From what you've written, this relationship is all you've ever known. I know its hard, so hard to admit that the trajectory of your life is going in the wrong direction. Please, don't make any more ties to this man and his lifestyle. It will cost you money to get out of this, but you're 23 - plenty of time to make money in your career. You can start again.

I completely agree with this and your previous post.

OP, I do feel for you. You're young and you've been with him a long time. Having a house purchase looming also is a huge deal and not easy to back down from.

However, let yourself truly think for a minute. Truly, deep down in your heart, do you want this to be your life for the next 60 years? No trust, drugs, confusion and unhappiness? What if you bring kids into this? Imagine living on the edge for your whole life because you never know if he is about to binge again, or about to message another girl, or about to leave you high and dry. And every time he will have an excuse. You'll be left holding the baby (literally or figuratively) and you will never trust him. But you'll cling on because you think you need him, or he needs you.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him. What else does he have to do for you to walk away?

I hate "Not all men" but not all men are like this. Like girlmom said - get out, start fresh, raise your bar out of hell. There is a good life out there for you but it is not there with this man.

Choose your hard?

Hard: leaving this drug addicted liar and his jerk friends with your money, housing, career, and friendships intact.

Harder: leaving your husband who gambled or drugged your money away, scrounging to pay the mortgage, with your reputation in “finance” in tatters, your friendships ruined, and possibly an STD or two from his various accidental affairs. Look out for chlamydia, by the way—that one can silently destroy your fertility.

Of course all men aren’t like this. My DH of 28 years is not. It sounds like its the high flying/low living men in your social circle. Break up with him and look for someone who is not an addict and who won’t tolerate addiction in their friend group. Not this easily led sucker and his lad friends.

"I don’t want to loose him because I genuinely don’t think I would click with anyone else the way I do with him but it’s not fair on me if he can’t snap out of this cycle. "

You had me at the word " drugs" never mind all the rest and then you say this. You can't really believe this? Don't you think we all have had bad boys in our lives? Some stay and people who love themselves leave. Choose yourself.

You say the lap dance and the chatting to girls is out of character for him...but to be fair, from the age of 16 to 20's people are still developing and growing into who they're going to be. So you don't really know him. You probably thought it was out of character when he began taking the drugs too.

The bottom line is - this is who he is, this is the path he has chosen to go down. Hoping he will change is naive and you are only setting yourself up for heartbreak the longer you stay and keep making excuses for the behavior.

I personally would have left the moment the drugs began (although please note I am saying this with experience and hindsight. I, like you, stayed in a relationship where my husband was chatting to other women, pretending to be a single father, going to strip clubs behind my back...and always apologizing, promising to change etc...and of course never did. Just began hiding things better. I did eventually leave but I wish I had done it much sooner).

You will click with someone else. Don't get stuck thinking you won't just because you've been with him so long that you're stuck in familiarity. You're much more likely to click better with someone that is actually on your wavelength, someone who isn't a drug addict, a liar and cheater.

The bottom line here is your trust for him is gone (if it's not, it should be). Do you want to spend the rest of your life suspicious, hurt, and embarrassed? Because that's how it will be if you stay with him.

This is who he is. Dump him and start fresh so you can be happy.

OP I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is right now but trust me when I say this, its better to walk away now than spend entire youth with this man.

you are so so young, you are strong, you can absolutely stand up for yourself and set yourself free from drug addict and a liar. do not get any deeper into this mess.
I will cost you money but you can earn more money. you will not get your youth back.

Short answer: Go
You knew it already, right? Just wanted some reassurance you'd got it right, and you did.

I really wouldn’t tie yourself into a mortgage with this guy right now. As difficult as it may be to get out of in the short term, being saddled with a house with him in the long term could really lead to some serious financial as well as emotional implications. He doesn’t sound mature enough. I’d take a break completely. It may fe right now that you won’t find another relationship and 7 years is a lot to give up on, but don’t give up on the idea that you can do so much better, you are so young, there is plenty of time. Don’t waste these years being stressed by and tied to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Cut your losses now, save the money you had for a deposit and put it away for the future. Enjoy being young, free and single for a while. If he matures and shapes up in the months and years to come then maybe you can revisit the relationship, but in the short term just focus on being happy yourself.