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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

men who don't listen - sorry long rant.

13 replies

bitterlemon · 07/04/2008 22:22

I don't quite know how to phrase this but i broke up with my dp a while ago and we were trying to have counsellning and work through out issues. Now he's told me again that my opinion doesn't count and I am to shut up about some issues that i have (while at the same banging on about issues to do with me - they are of equal standing in my view)!!

I feel so angry now. Why cannot he accept that even if he hates my opinion, I am still entitled to not only hold it, but say it? He's not exactly holding back on me . He is basiscally saying that he can decide wwhat we talk about and when and i must not disagree or raise topics he doesn't like. He has sent me reams of emails about thngs we've dicussed/done together which I have rpelied to and he then says "vindication!!" and discounts my opinion and closer the subject forever. I do raise it again with him and then he accuses me of tit for tat behavior which means he can ignore me and he tells me thatI need anger management to bring myself back into line (I have seen him jump up and down with rage before now, literally foaming at the mouth with rage. If I mention it though, he would say that I provoked him as we'd had a row just before this) I wouldn't mind so much but a consellor told us recently that he seemed to do most of hte talking, cutting across me and he ought to give me time to marshal my thoughts/give me time to speak which he took on board at the time but now he is applies this gullotine on topics to ones he deosn't like so he can bring up whatever he likes (throw it at me more like) but if I raise something, I am tit for tatting or vindicating. I would cry now but I am so angry, I cannot. I also have a headache from my frustration he will not listen to me

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bitterlemon · 07/04/2008 22:25

I will add that he has not literally thrown stuff at me although he has leaned over me swearing at me - I am more lkely to lob a vase or similar at him. It's the not being listened to bit which bugs me and he knows it. SO I am giving him power over me and i need to know how to reclaim it so we can move on, either torgether or apart.

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OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 22:26

Sounds like a very frustrating situation tobe in.

Is there any point to having councelling with ihm if you are no longer a couple though?What will talking about the past and sharing your feelings achieve anyway? Perhaps just having closure on the past would be healthier for you in the long run?

bitterlemon · 07/04/2008 22:28

Well the counselling was with an idea of getting back together. Evidently it's not going to work!!

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OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 22:30

Sounds like he has a lot of ishoos and the councelling isn't helping him work through stuff. Sounds like a toug situation to be in for you!

Panino · 07/04/2008 22:58

agree with OBDB.

It sounds like he has MASSSIIVVEE security issues. Can't stand being held to account for anything. Suspect he has heavily criticised as a child for some reasons (usually poor parenting) and will not broach any dissent as 1. it MAY question his self-belief, which is fragile and 2. isn't prepared to risk being criticised again.

and no, counselling is not going to shift this.

littlewoman · 08/04/2008 02:11

If he doesn't listen to you, I can't imagine for one minute that he listens to the counsellor, so how will he ever learn anything about himself.
I would also see a counsellor on your own so you can decide if you want to stay with a man who is not interested in you. That sounds so harsh, but what we say reflects who we are, and he clearly isn't interested in who you are if he isn't listening to what you say. He wants you to be a reflection of him. Narcissistic maybe?

NotQuiteCockney · 08/04/2008 08:49

The fact he's in the couples counselling and appears to be listening (sorta) to it, is a good sign. It takes time for people to change bad habits, like not listening.

I'd agree with Panino, except - he's agreed to be in counselling, which indicates a willingness to change, surely?

Is there any chance of him getting individual counselling?

bitterlemon · 08/04/2008 23:18

He agreed to the couples counselling since I badgered him into it but once in the initial session he opened up quite a lot - unfortunately cutting right across me most of the time. I spent most of the time trying to not cry when he began listig my faults until the counsellor brought me back in the conversation but it was very hard. I had expected that but I felt drained afterwards. I don't know what I had expected.

It's 10-12 week wait though and I think it's going to be too long. I get angry and write nasty emails to him since I am not allowed to say stuff otherwise and then he tells me that I'm dumped, not before sending me beggging texts to go live with him etc then a complete change of heart. I'm not in a good place with these games he keeps playing but if I said anything he would say I deserved it for writing the emails etc, so it would be my fault again.

It's no good is it?

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littlewoman · 08/04/2008 23:50

Oh bitterlemon, it all sounds like you can't do right for doing wrong. Totally understand the mad e-mailing urge. I used to give people my phone because I couldn't trust myself not to send mental texts. No advice really, just sorry it hasn't settle down for you yet.

madamez · 08/04/2008 23:55

DUmp him. He has no respect for you and probably no respect for women. It's quite a common pattern of abusive behaviour to suggest that the partner is mad and unreasonable for simply defending him/herself.

hotchocscot · 09/04/2008 00:28

bitterlemon, why are you persisting? do you still have really strong feelings for him? from an outsiders POV it looks like you are just throwing good love after bad, and you should end contact with him and move on. Not easy if you still have feelings, but this doesn't seem to be healthy for you.

bitterlemon · 09/04/2008 15:04

Well I did love him but I can't take this anymore. He's just texted me suggesting a daytrip to Belgium on Satruday.

Now I'm sure one of us has flipped .

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dragonstitcher · 09/04/2008 15:45

This is mental/emotional/verbal abuse. You are better off without him.

Abusers use counselling to charm the counsellor and control their victim. Counselling does not work when when of the couple is an abuser.

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