Unsure what is going on here...

[CreatingHavoc]

Interested to hear what others make of this as it's left me feeling pretty shit.

I've been really stressed lately about various things and have felt particularly down yesterday. My sort of ex (supposed to be trying again) came round and asked what was wrong and if he could help. It started off fine but I got quite upset and teary when talking about the worries I have for my daughter (she's autistic and struggling).

It was late at this point and we were both tired. I had finished talking and was just sat next to him on the sofa, visibly upset. Instead of saying anything supportive or giving me a hug or anything he just said 'I'm tired', which felt very dismissive and made me feel like a massive inconvenience.

I was annoyed at his lack of understanding and told him he was under no obligation to stay. He's done this before when I've been speaking about similar issues. It's like he's can't be arsed listening to me anymore so changes the subject or says 'I'm tired' without any acknowledgement or support or anything.

Because I became obviously annoyed at him and told him how I felt he said 'if you're not going to be nice to me I'm just going to go' and he left in a huff. I messaged him and asked him to consider if he had been nice to me by being inconsiderate and dismissive. He sort of acknowledged this and blamed it on the fact that he couldn't concentrate any more because he was tired and it was late (11pm). But it's happened previously when it wasn't particularly late.

The 'I just want you to be nice to me/you're not being nice to me' statement is a favourite of his too and it makes me really angry when he says it but I struggle to articulate why. How can I explain to him why it's ridiculous to expect someone to be nice 100% of the time? Especially when they feel hurt or wronged.

To clarify, he's always pretty lacking in social awareness. Definitely has some AuDHD traits and past trauma (as have I) but he also has a huge ego and the need for adoration. Think he's probably both ND and a narc. Unfortunately he's the only reliable support I have so I can't cut him off or anything.

I'd guess he was expecting you to want sex and when you just wanted to talk he got pissed off.

Hmm, I don't think so as it was him who noticed I was really down in the evening. He asked me what was wrong and we chatted after the kids were in bed. Eldest wasn't asleep though so there was definitely no sex happening.

He's hardly reliable support is he?
The reason his comment about 'not being nice ' is annoying is because that's what he sees your role as. To be nice to him. To make him feel good. When you don't do that, or expect emotional support from him - there's nothing there.
Stop expecting him to be different. This is who he is.

Unfortunately he's the only reliable support I have so I can't cut him off or anything.

This is where you're wrong.
Trust me, you're better off not having someone like this in your life. Do you feel less lonely because he's here? I doubt it.
The illusion that you need him somehow is how he gets away with having severly lacking emotional skills.

@Girlmom35 I have a chronic illness and a very demanding autistic child so unfortunately I really can't do without his physical help.

Maybe he was just tired , sometimes listening to someone’s struggles can actually be very wearying , as harsh as that sounds,

I was in your position many times with my exH. All I so desperately needed was a hug and the compassion of another person that could not fix my feelings but at least make me feel safe and loved. And my exH just couldn't do that. (Not the only reason he is an exH but definitely an element of the lack of love, support and compassion!)
But in hinsight I never voiced the need either - I felt he should know and when he then didn't, it made me feel really upset and unloved.
With my new DP I tell him. "I'm having a bit of a hard time because x,y and z and I really just need a hug please". I'm not saying that would have fixed my ExH but I also realise how much we sometimes expect our partners to pick up on that may just not be a natural thought for them.
My DP prefers to be left alone if he is having an emotional moment so I don't think it would occur to him that if I'm upset, he needs to hug me.
Again, not saying that is the solution in your situation but communicating our needs and wants is often overlooked!
Sending hugs x

Hi OP
I think you need to find someone else to talk to.
if you feel that you need him for help with your DC use his help for that. Hes not a therapist and doesn't sound like a good friend so why waste time talking to him about your problems?
if you suspect he is a narc I would recommend you look up DR Ramani on yur tube, she talks about a concept of grey ricking and less severe yellow rocking- where you don't give a narc any fuel, you talk about weather, roadworks or traffic but nothing that they could use..

The first answer is the correct answer. It;s as simple as this.