Extremely angry at ableism

[ForFirmBiscuit]

My ex and I were going to try for baby when we were together and we were both very excited about it and were thinking about plans for the future and marriage. They were also on the spectrum I could tell, but they weren’t diagnosed. One of his female friends who has even admitted herself that she has had feelings for him for years talked him out of it all and convinced him to break up with me. Her main reason was because I am autistic and need a lot of support because of my disability and therefore can’t look after a baby as I can’t look after myself. I think that’s nonsense and very exaggerated as I would have gotten support to look after the baby from family, services and my then partner would have also helped. I am currently getting support for myself and my issues are no more than any other autistic person. I have always wanted to be a mother and know I have rights to support to keep a baby.
Whilst I understand that I dodged a bullet if he was prepared to do that to me, as an autistic person it was especially hard to find a partner and now I feel traumatised that I have had them taken away from me just like that which is the main point of this thread.
I am extremely angry because of this female friend who has caused problems in the past and has also now made me out to be crazy after saying some really damaging and ableist things about me and how I shouldn’t be alive under a fake account who she said wasn’t hers but I know it was and my ex believed her.

Why are you blaming some random nutter for your relationship split?

A relationship solid enough to bring kids into, would never have fell apart due to some persons badmouthing of you.

Your partner was not right for you. If anything, the crazy bint has done you a favour by getting you out of that relationship before a kid was brought into it.

If she continues to harass you though, go to the police. They can trace nameless accounts.

OP, you must be very hurt but if your boyfriend loved you, no-one could have convinced him to walk away. Blaming someone else for talking him out of it is just fooling yourself. He left because that was his choice, he wasn't committed to the relationship, and you have dodged a bullet.

Imagine if this had happened after you became pregnant. Or when your child was at school.

She is not your friend and you got away lucky. Op, rather than blaming her/him, you need to try to transform that energy into focusing on your own positive future.

A solid relationship won’t be broken by someone else’s words. Your boyfriend had doubts. He may have shared those doubts with a friend, but she is not responsible for your breakup.

I am an autistic parent. I’m really curious what you mean by support to look after the baby in this context? I don’t really understand making a choice to have a baby if that is required, but maybe I don’t understand what you mean by support.

Bullet dodged.

It's ok to be hurt OP.

But holding anger towards someone who didn't leave you, he left you not her, will only destroy your life.

Other people will see her comments as nasty. Try and not dwell on them people write despicable things online "anonymously" all the time.

There might have already been doubts from him without her influence, committing to having a baby with someone who would need support to look after them is a big step. I wouldn't have done it. Not being ableist, just in the same way I wouldn't have had a baby with someone without decent financial prospects. These are just choices, everyone makes them.

You have a choice to make now, to move on, accept that if ex can be swayed so easily then it's better you know now than later when his actions could have had greater consequences and find a different path to continue living your life.

What people want in life and what they get are often different things. Everyone has disappointments, things that seem unfair. Moving forward is all that matters usually.

Try and plan something for the weekend something that is just for you.

I get tired easily and get executive dysfunction, which happens to all autistics. But I would have had breaks and a lot of support.

He didn’t want what you did. That’s always going to be painful but I think your focus on the cause of the breakup is unhelpful. He wasn’t the man for you. Someone swayed like you suggest he was isn’t ever going to provide the support you say you’ll need.

Breaks and support from him?

it isn't ablism that ended you relationship. it was the relationship not being robust that ended it. Nothing to do with this person, and really, you can't know if they are behind these "anonymous" comments either.

Sorry your relationship ended, but it was always going to.

Also, knowing you can't manage motherhood on your own, and are going to need a lot of support does sound like quite a dodgy premise to proceed on.

This fake account sounds nasty, so I would report it to whatever platform it was on. If it contains direct threats against you personally, then go to the police.

He really wasn’t the partner for you if he broke up with you. It sounds like you’ll need a lot of support and your partner is going to have to understand that and be prepared to give the support you need. It sounds like he didn’t want to and that’s ok, it wouldn’t be for everyone. Concentrate on yourself and finding someone who loves you and would be capable of giving the support needed.

I'd assume every mother needs support though.
Motherhood isn't something we should be doing alone. Everyone would struggle with that. It's good if op has a good family support network.

I would however argue, and perhaps you'll also consider this 'ableist' but, if you get cognitive burnout easily, you probably shouldn't be having kids. I don't see how you could function without getting the space and time to yourself when you need it. Which, support system or not, could happen at a moments notice. If you have a shut down, the baby won't just, stop crying.

Also, if you have autism and have a baby with another autistic person, even if you are high functioning, it might not work that way for the child. I've seen it first hand with a friend of the family. The mum was relatively high functioning, the dad had a bit more of a struggle but the kid... I mean, it's like she has their issues multiplied by 10. The daughter is being fostered now because the parents could not cope.

You might not want to hear this but, genetics aren't 'ablest'. They're just fact. Two autistic parents would have been a huge risk for a very unwell child.

Of course, things can go wrong for anyone, regardless of their physical, mental, emotional wellbeing tbf.

But just don't think because your autism is manageable, it will be for your child. Could you, really cope if things went that way? I'd imagine anyone would struggle.

Now you have time to think on it.
Children aren't an entitlement, not for anyone.
Some people can't afford them, some people would pass on illness, some people just don't have the genetics they should take risks with. I don't think that's ableist, it's just sense. No one has the right to everything they want just because 'other people have it'.

It sucks. But that's life, for everyone.
I suppose everyone has the right to take risks though. Or make bad choices. Or be selfish. Or hope for the best and plan for the worst.

A solid relationship won’t be broken by someone else’s words. Your boyfriend had doubts. He may have shared those doubts with a friend, but she is not responsible for your breakup.

This.
It has nothing to do with ableism.

Oh, and the generalisations you are making about people with autism aren't helping anyone.