AIBU mother in law drama

[herewegogogox]

i have been with my DH 11 years he is a great man & father to our 8 year old DD.
i would say i have an ok relationship with in laws. Im very grateful that she has my DD 4 days a week whilst me & DH work & in the holidays she’s very reliable & great with DD.

over the last few years ive had to start medication for a health condition… this medication makes me retain water & slows down my metabolism, this is something I cannot control & the medication is critical… this had lead to me gaining 3 stone. MIL is weight obsessed she has gained a few stone over the years & weight is a regular topic of conversation, one in which i try to avoid as i am super self conscious of mine at present, also why does it matter!?

over the last year there has been digs about my weight, very subtle but I’ve noticed .. before an event she told me my dress was beautiful & she would borrow it but it would “bury her” this was infront of others i was mortified.. my husband offered to say something but i declined not wanting to start a problem.

anyway… fast forward to this week… she offered me some clothes that “didn’t fit her” & were in her words “enormous ” & held them up & repeatedly said look how enormous they are… for once i said something ….”oh so if they are enormous you think they’ll fit me?” & left with tears in my eyes. Rang my DH & explaining the whole thing… unbeknownst to me he rang her …

well, you would have thought she would have apologised… NO… She denied half of the conversation occurring & tried to tell my husband she had only said they were big for their sizing… when my DH said was she accusing me of fabricating the whole conversation she said yes!!!

i have no idea where i go from here, I accept i took it very personally as the way i am feeling about my weight but why couldn’t she just apologise knowing i was upset, not only that she has now lied about it!

WWYD?

She's mad, that's not about you. Pity her disorder.

Spend no more alone time with her.

She's his mother, not yours. Sod her. Your husband can deal with her (and sort all birthday and Christmas cards etc for her going froward etc).

She's nasty and a liar.
I would be very nervous of her and her weight obsession around my child.
So many with eating issues were triggered by a tactless rude remark that were said to them by a gobshite.

That’s awful, and pathetic that she lied about it afterwards! I would do nothing until she apologises. I also wouldn’t want such weight-obsessive chat and bitchiness around my daughter. I hope your husband supports you. Well done for saying something and sticking up for yourself Op.

Is she aware of your health problems and that's why you've gained weight ?

If she has then she's being really cruel.

I’d call her out on it in front of your Dh and see what happens. It would be tricky and extremely expensive to stick your child in nursery 4 days a week, but bloody hell, I’d be very wary of her making shitty comments in front of her and causing issues. Can your Dh do pick ups fryer house instead? Try not to spend time alone with her.

Agree with pp that she's a really bad role model for your DD.

Your DD shouldn’t be around someone obsessed with weight to that scale. What if she starts calling your DD chubby or your DD heard how she talks about your weight. Who knows what she says when you’re not around?! I’d start looking at after school clubs and holiday clubs… no matter the financial cost it will surely be better for your DD.

I agree with whoever said its your husbands mother.
Let him deal with her.
I wouldn't wanna spend any time with her now but yeh i get it you are reliant for child care.
Tricky

My MIL is also quite cruel about my weight. It's surprisingly corrosive, I don't normally let people unsettle me like that but I find her judgement really

Grr, slipped! I find her surprisingly hurtful. She is orthorexic and has health problems related to her poor nutrition, and to her being fat is like being dirty. She just can't help but comment. I'm afraid my only solution has been to avoid her as much as I can.

Your mother-in-law is being unkind and her disordered attitude to weight and presumably food is not good for your daughter to be around and I speak from experience as my mother is obsessed with weight and it had a huge impact on my attitude to food and I was binging and purging before I even left school and only got better when I felt loved unconditionally by my husband. My biggest regret is that my mum minded my daughter after school some days and we both passed on those weight/food messages to her and I had tried not to. My mum hasn't changed- still describes people as 'Fat but nice' etc and my daughter has had an enormous struggle with food (diagnosed eating disorder). My mum was a doting grandma and loves her grandaughter and I thought she was great with her and none of it was intended to cause harm but I was so used to it when I was growing up I didn't even realise just how often she mentioned slim/gaining weight/shouldn't be eating that etc. You and your husband need to make it a condition of her minding your daughter that she does not talk about weight/diets etc, she is 8 and will be hearing those harmful messages, explain why it has to stop completely immediately and if you don't get a promise she will do that please make other childcare arrangements and then go low contact.

Avoid her. Grey rock her and do not visit anymore. You know what happened/was said. Dont let her twist it

This, your DD is at a very vulnerable age in terms of body image, I would be very unhappy about the amount of time they are together if she has this attitude and obsession about weight

If she's accused you of lying on top of being really cruel, I'd avoid her. The childcare issue is a difficult one. It really is a big risk for your DD. Eating disorders can be fatal. Even if your MIL praises her for being slim and gets her to refuse certain foods it could do long term damage. Seeing as she's a liar then there's no trust here.

The most sensible thing to do would be to seek other childcare. But that's costly.

Your MIL is not an emotionally safe person to be at all around for the reasons others have given. If she is too difficult for you to deal with it’s the same deal for your daughter also. Find alternative childcare for your child.

Thank you all for your advice & confirming that i was not over reacting! My DH has had my back throughout thankfully…

unfortunately my DD was present when that conversation took place so witnessed MIL’s cruelty towards me ..

MIL knows about my health condition which makes it so much more cruel.

for context i am a 14-16 she is a 12-14 so there isn’t that much difference in us.. historically she is a size 8 so i think she is definitely projecting her insecurities onto me

Sorry it should be hated by my mil!