Considering going NC with parents, how do you know if reasons are 'good enough'.

[ConsideringNC]

Physically, mentally and emotionally abusive mother during childhood. Busy and distant father. In adulthood mother took no responsibility or acknowledgement of abuse, absolutely no apology.

In early 20s she was a good supportive mother and grandmother. Relationship rebuilt to a point but narcissistic traits always remained.

Now I'm 46 and she is 67. She has no interest in me or my kids (unless it's on FB posts) Never visits, never asks how I am. How kids are. Always diverts conversation to her favourite child and her golden kids. Every single conversation. My kids, my other nieces/nephews don't get a look in.
I don't enjoy talking to her as it's a constant reminder that all she wants to talk about is sister.

I don't visit her because of this. She doesn't visit because she just doesn't want to and is with golden grandkids constantly.

I'm just bored of it. I recently went NC with a toxic friend and the relief of it's made me think.

It would be devastating to the family dynamic though.

Maybe if we were able to have a civil conversation about the past and the favoritism we might be able to work on things but the second she feels threatened or criticised she attacks (verbally and Physically)

She's never going to change or give you the answers you want. Fool's errand.

If you have other family members you are close to then no contact will be very hard. Low contact might be better and can be done without them realising. Try distancing yourself and if she / others ask say you have a lot on your plate and you didn't want to worry her. Then more distance. Just be very boring whilst being outwardly polite so she can't find cause to be dramatic.

Are you me? Only difference between us being 5 years and it’s my brother in laws kids and MIL.

You don't need to "give reasons". You just do what is right for you.

What family dynamic would it be devastating to?

I held off being NC with my eldest brother for years because I worried about the relationship with other family members and then one day realised that if they took his side then I didn’t need them either.

I am NC with my mum. It sounds like it’s potentially a more complicated situation in that for us, it was related to safeguarding issues. We didn’t feel she was safe to have a relationship with our dc.

But ultimately, I made the decision because there was no possible way to move forward. There were aspects of her life and behaviour we told her needed to change to be apart of our lives. She said she’d never do those things. She also told lies about Dh and I (to distract from the awful things she did to put our dc at risk). It was the lies and the misinformation though that did it for me. There was no coming back from that.

If a friend had done the things she did, I’d cut them out of my life. If a parent of one of dc’s friends did the same, I wouldn’t allow them to spend time at that friend’s house. If a partner had done that, I’d break up with them.

In the end, that’s sort of what it felt like, the irretrievable breakdown of a long relationship. If my Dh had done those things, there would be no coming back and we would be divorcing. So I treated that relationship just the same.

I think maybe it would be different if she wasn’t bothered with us. Maybe I just would have mostly avoided her except for weddings or funerals. But unfortunately, mine took to harassing me and causing all sorts of chaos (sending crazy stuff to my house). So a firm, clean break was necessary.

It’s still very sad. I wish it hadn’t had to be this way. I wish she’d been open to seeking help and sorting herself out. But I’m so grateful I made the decision. The positive impact it’s had on my mental health has been tremendous. Like a weight has been lifted. My physical and mental health is so much better. It was absolutely the right decision and I have no regrets at all.

She’s not going to change so you can put up with it
go Low contact, as in you don’t see each other you don’t talk to each other but if you go to family events you can politely say hi, officially there’s no problem.
or you can go no contact.
personally I’d opt for low, for an easy life. But if she is verbally and physically (and emotionally) abusive, a conversation isn’t going to change that.
also ask what you mean by ‘good enough’ good enough for who? Are your reasons good enough for you? Will you be happier? It doesn’t really matter how anyone else rates them.

You are me! I do low contact. It's as much as I can bear. I don't want the inevitable drama of going NC and I also know that the rest of the family would save themselves in that situation and 'side' with her, so I don't want to put myself through that upset either. So low contact it is.

Will it be impossible to see your siblings/niblings if you cut her out? It’s why I didn’t cut mine out, it would have been tricky to keep in touch with extended family otherwise.