im worried about having more than one dc, as my parents always favoured my brother, and im scared stiff,that if i had more what if i ended up doing that ?

[lionbeast]

hi, we have a beautiful baby girl who is the joy of our life, she is a such a happy little baby, me and dh get on great and have a really nice life together, we have a nice home. and really everything thing is great for us.

dh, was an only child. i was one of three, unfortunatly i didnt really have the worlds best childhood[not the worst either] but mum and dad have always favoured my brother and still do now and now his ds is now the fav granbdchild.
i have started to distance myself from my parents as i find my mum especially can be quie a negative person to be around.

well dd is 9 months now, i just don't know if i ever will have anymore children, and 90% of that reason is because im scared that i wouldn't love him/her enough or maybe id favour one or the other.
a part of me thinks we have everything we ever wanted maybe we should stop now. but then dd is only 9 months so maybe ill change my mind in the future?

i would hate dd to grow up feeling how i felt. when i was PG i was worrried that maybe id be a bit of crap mum as i didnt have a good role model from my own childhood, but now that doesn't worry me at all,as i love dd with all my heart and soul and KNOW i could never do or say some of the horrible things my mother has said to me before.
i know im a great mum.
and im not worried about that at all now.
but i do worry what if i had another then had a favourite, and worry about it to such an extent that it will probably be the reason why i will stop at one.

I worried after having first ds that there was no way I could love another child as much as I loved him.
Along came dd and I was amazed by how much love I felt for her without taking any love away from ds.
It is a worry at the time but the love just comes.
I think with older generations they were just taught that boys were better than girls and so favoured boys. Not sure if that is the case but seems that way to me.
We now have another dd and I love them all so much but differently, if that makes sense. They are all different little people .
Hope that ramble helps..

You know how worried you were you'd be as crap a parent as your own? And think how silly that is now, with all your brilliant caring loving parenting.

You know how worried you are you might favour one child above another? Just think how you'll scoff at yourself when you have two children that make your heart just swell as they cuddle each other.

thank you sm and slur, yes slur i can totally see your point and have wonder that myself, thanks for taking your time to post to me

You don't have a finite amount of maternal love - it's not one quantifiable amount you have to divvy up between offspring. I have 4 DCs - I have a very different relationship with each one, because they have such different personalities, but that "heart and soul" love you describe is there for each one of them. And I think the vast majority of parents with more than one child would agree - and because your parents had "issues", it doesn't mean you will.

God this terrified me when I was pregnant with ds2 - I wept daily in case he was a girl.

My mother didn't like girls. She favoured my brother heavily, and I already had a son - I thought if I had a girl i wouldn't love it.

Ridiculous.

I had a boy anyway - but you love them differently. You don't love them the same, you love them as much as each other, but you love them differently.

You remember that woman who get swept to sea with her children, and she had to choose which one to save, but the rescuers managed to pick up all three of them?

If that had been me and my kids, we'd have drowned while I was trying to choose. And even though she still has both children, I pity her deeply because she knows she made a choice, and chose one over the other. And the vast majority of parents will not and cannot do it.

It was never published which child she chose - she did try to leave the unchosen in the safest position possible to be rescued. Poor woman.

A wise person on here once said that you don't halve the love when you have another child, you double it. I've found that to be true and can honestly say that I don't prefer one or the other (though I know that's not true for everyone).

I really wouldn't let that be a reason not to have more children, as I also think that siblings are wonderful.

thanks for understanding and posting to me
yes the main part of me agrees that i bet if i had more children id feel how i feel now about dd that my fears before i had dd where ridiculas,
it would be a real shame to let how my mum treated my affect my adult life to such an extent she dictates how many children me adn dh have.
thanks for helping see see your love is muulitplied not shared

Love doesn't come to order. I have four DSs, and didn't fall in love with each one at the same time - I adored DS1 almost immediately, but it took around four months with DS4 to feel real love for him, though of course I was proud of him from the first minute I saw him and I certainly don't love him less nowadays (he's 11). I know at least two women who had severe PND and didn't even like their babies for the first year. But new babies don't really know the difference as long as you look after them right, and you don't need to love them to do that. You take care of them because they need it, and you show the elder ones how to look after a baby properly, and gradually get to know it as a person. And in a while you suddenly find you love that little person more than anything in the world (except, of course, the elder brothers/sisters).

In the meanwhile, you would never emotionally abuse or neglect a child because you are just not like that. You wouldn't be horrible to a friend's child just because you don't love him/her, would you? Do you stick pins in passing prams? No way. You wouldn't do that because making someone weaker than yourself unhappy isn't your idea of a good time.

So no, don't worry. If you're happy with one, then great, but if you would like to have more, don't be afraid. You are not your mother.

Hi again

My sister was 'the golden child'.

The theory of favouriteism (sp) is this...(well told to me by my therapist)

If one child is 'all good' that makes the other child 'all bad' to do this all the good qualities must be the 'all good' childs, even the 'all bad' childs good qualities go to the 'all good' child...and vice versa for the bad qualities to the 'all bad child'.

From what you just put, I cannot see you doing that. And to just even it up a bit...it is not possible to treat children exactly the same. Every individual child and parent is different and has different backgrounds hence our relationships with our children will be different with each one. The only thing you can do is acknowledge your failings with them when you are aware of them and show them how you can make mistakes and learn from them.

Chances are you will make a good parent as you can learn from your mothers errors...so she was good for something...

yes i agree, thanks for the support
i also call fav brother the golden child and his son is king x lol

I grew up believing my mother did not love me as much as my two brothers and my sister. When I was 22 she told me she didn't love me as much as the others because my father loved me too much - this was at a terrible session with an eminent psychiatrist and my father. When I was pregnant with dd2 I was very worried that I could not love dd2 as much as I did dd1, my fears were definately unfounded. However they did lead me to question, again, my mother's mental state. She died before I started having a family so I am fortunate that I have not had to inflicte my mother's favouritism on my children. She taught me a lot - mostly how not to do it. I will always be sadden that I did not have a "normal" mother figure and am often left amazed at other people's mothers, how nice they are. Despite several years of therapy I have a legacy of mistrusting people and often see a criticism where there isn't one. Sorry didn't mean to ramble .
Suffice to say love grows everyday and when the next child comes along it more than doubles. Good luck with your decision

My mum has also said to me that I am my father's favourite. She might actually be right

i feel so sorry that any of us had to go though this sort of shit. i think its true almost anyone can be a mum but you have to work hard at being a good or great mum, and put them 1st.
some times i wished i was never even born.

Oh lionbeast that is so sad, I sometimes feel the same way and then look at my beautiful dds and think if it wasn't for me they wouldn't be here and the world would be a poorer place - I suppose dh had some input

opps i ment i wished i hadnt been born when i was a kid, not now
now i have everything i want.
guess i broke the patten by choosing a lovely supportive caring husband, as if i was going to subconsioulsly repeart the past i probably would of gone for an abusive one, as i would of liked or felt right being ith someone like that, in fact after having dd of course meeting him was the best thing ive done

i know, my dh is very loving and caring too, I am sometimes very hard to live with . It's good to know the cycle is broken and can't be repeated