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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to go NC without feeling bad

24 replies

BollockstoThis1 · 13/06/2024 12:15

Don’t have the best relationship
with DM she is early 80’s now but relatively good health. I have other siblings and offspring who can do no wrong who she dotes on.

In an ideal world I would love a normal loving healthy relationship with her and I have tried all my adult life to achieve this in different ways but to no avail.

I love her and still care about her as she is my DM. But interactions with her don’t leave me feeling good yadder yadder I have tried to resolve things in the past but she won’t admit any blame or wrong doing and she twists things. She makes out she is a caring, kind, loving, meek and mild old lady (which some members of the family may see that side of her but I often see another side). She gets little digs in, guilt trips me and recent conversations are like reopening past hurts and injustices which is like rubbing salt in old wounds.

Communication and visiting is one way and one sided on my part. I last visited last week and made contact at the weekend and when I phoned another family member was visiting and they answered her phone. I chatted to the family member quite pleasantly and they explained DM was busy with another family member who was visiting and she hasn’t bothered to phone me back and its been several days but I imagine I will receive a short text today or tomorrow asking if I am ok as she hasn’t heard from me for a few days and if I reply it will all start back up again.

How do I deal or manage this please going forward? If I reply at all it starts back up if I ignore completely I am the baddie. If I suggest occasionally she could phone me (she gets lifts off family members and she gets taxis to their houses sometimes) I am the baddie. Many years ago I tried to go no contact several times and tried writing letters, have tried speaking to her calmly etc etc she has said I have hurt her and she had no idea I felt like that but she has never acknowledged any part or blame and each time I back down and so it goes on.

OP posts:
Luminousalumnus · 13/06/2024 12:25

You can't go no contact without feeling bad unless there is something very wrong with you. Feeling bad is an acknowledgement you have hurt her.
Could you limit her to specific times? So you visit her for an hour on Thursday before you lunch with friends (so she can't make you stay longer) and you phone her on Tuesday morning - whatever you can stand.
Don't rehash the past. You are antagonising yourself and she's not going to change her mind. Talk about her illnesses, her neighbours, TV shows and does she need anything practical done. Keep everything super bland.
Or go no contact, but for me because I'm troubled with an overactive conscience, I would find that harder.

ClickClickety · 13/06/2024 12:52

You need to become "very busy". Reply back with short but polite messages and stretch out visiting her for longer and longer periods. It'll be like weaning. She's probably still bearing a grudge from your prior no contact so avoid any talk of emotions or needs or explaining what you are doing. Grey rock it.

Ignore the flying monkeys too. If she wants to spend her life complaining about you to everyone else then that's her choice. It's very sad that you don't have a healthy relationship with her but that's the way life has gone.

Girlmom35 · 13/06/2024 13:05

You need to separate 3 things: your actions, how you feel about those actions, and how other people feel about those actions.

You make choices. Those choices have consequences. Assuming you're someone with a rational mind and some common sense, you've probably thought long and hard about going NC with your mother and this isn't just an impulse decision based on a small disagreement. If you know this is what you have to do, you just have to go ahead and do it. You have your reasons and they are valid. This relationship with your mother is a burden on your emotional wellbeing and you're allowed to make choices in your best intrest, regardless of how other people feel about that.

You're going to feel a lot of things after you make that choice. Guilt, shame, relief maybe, sadness, grief, ... All of those feelings are normal. They are telling you that you have to process something, that you need time to heal from what has happened. Not feeling these things would make you either a psychopath or a robot, which I hope you are neither. These are normal feelings to have. They are temporary and it gets better in time. But you will carry them around in some form for the rest of your life, and that's okay. She's your mother and you're allowed to feel sad about having to resort to ending contact just to be able to function. The important thing is to remember why you ended contact in the first place. Don't let your guilt convince you otherwise. You've made a choice which was in your best intrest, so stick with it.

Other people are going to have feelings about what you do. They might judge you, be angry, be indignant. These things are none of your concern. They can believe that you're wrong, evil, selfish, ... Their opinion of you is their problem and their burden to carry, not yours. Distance yourself from people who can't keep their opinion to themselves, because this is not helpful. Set stern boundaries. Your decisions is yours. You don't owe anyone an explanation and it's not open for discussion. They don't have to understand, but they do have to accept it.

If you do decide to cut contact, the best thing would be to inform your mother of your decision, but don't engage in a conversation where she feels she can change your mind or tell you how wrong you are for doing this. Once you make the call, you're informing her. It's not a debate, this is not a democracy. Your life, your choices, your rules.

As someone who's gone NC with my father 5 years ago, I wish you a lot of strength, kindness to yourself, and a lot of love.

DatingDinosaur · 13/06/2024 13:07

"she hasn’t bothered to phone me back and its been several days but I imagine I will receive a short text today or tomorrow asking if I am ok as she hasn’t heard from me for a few days"

I'd reply "oh, mum, lovely to hear from you. When I rang [relevant sibling] said you was busy [and would ring me back?]. I assumed you would once you had a spare five minutes."

MyPearlAnt · 13/06/2024 13:19

She is so old now and you've already been through NC attempt, explained everything and she refuses to acknowledge.
I would channel that energy into accepting that and instead of no contact I would go low contact. For example, you visited her last week you said, then you rang her again in the weekend. How about just dropping to once a fortnight of a call or visit ? Maybe even once a month? Maybe text rather than a call and a visit in a week as you can control the communication in text a bit better. If you normally spend 2 hours in a visit, cut it short to an hour or even half an hour. Make excuses why you can't stay.

NC will not bring you peace, you already predict you will feel bad about it and have done it not very successfully before. Nor will it punish her or make her realise how she has and is hurting you, in fact it will make her play the victim even more and it's you who will feel worse. Family will be split into teams taking sides because their experience of her is so different to yours they cannot relate or understand. Social events will be awkward and a bad atmosphere. So my advice is to just drastically reduce contact and keep it breezy. Work with a therapist or some supportive resource that understands this dynamic to help you heal and accept that this is as good as you'll ever get with mum - sad as it is. Focus on acceptance and boundaries: low contact and support/therapy.

bloodyeffinnora · 13/06/2024 13:48

I agree with pps to have a set time you visit each week/fortnight and keep to one hour, keep conversation bland. same for phone call or texting, keep to set time and limit, keeping it bland. it's the only way you will cope, she will never change now.

BollockstoThis1 · 13/06/2024 14:41

Thanks all I think you are all right. I hate when we don’t speak at all and she plays the victim and is all upset and has sympathy from siblings and DN and sees herself as having the upper hand and moral high ground. But then equally when I see her it is mostly unpleasant and I go away feeling unhappy, angry, frustrated and or sad.

My siblings and DN’s still all live locally (one even lives with her) so she is very fortunate with visitors. The others also all live slightly closer than I do and they all seem to opt for competitive visiting going several times a week. DN her fave visits about 4 or 5 times a week!!! DM says things like well I haven’t really seen anyone this week. I’ll say was so and so not round when I phoned or I thought you said so and so visited you. She’ll say well that doesn’t really count, or she’s only visited two or three times this week or she didn’t really stay very long, she only stayed about an hour so it was just a quick in and out. She hasn’t got dementia but is just like her DF nothing is ever good enough, and she tries to play us all off against each other apart from anything DN who is wonderful and can do no wrong. My DC might as well not exist.

Some of my friends who know a lot of the story really can’t understand how I still visit and want a relationship with her and why on earth I feel guilty after how she has behaved in the past (but I do).

So I guess it’s LC. I thought visiting when I fancied worked better as if I get into the way of visiting on X day at Y time. I either get I thought you normally visited on X day and I looked for you coming or DN will sabotage my visit by either making sure she is there first, monopolising DM and or making sure she stays over lunch time so DM hasn’t had her lunch yet so I have to wait or she takes her out somewhere if she knows I am intending to visit so she isn’t in.

OP posts:
MyPearlAnt · 13/06/2024 14:45

If she could have more than one guest at a time it might be good to pop in when there are others, so you have checked on her but it's not as intense as one to one visits, or maybe taking something like a baby or a pet so it's more of the focus on the visit. When I have to see people I don't like it helped to see them in company, they also behaved better because witnesses were around so the visit stung less... and I had other people to chat with on to pass the time of that obligatory visit.

BollockstoThis1 · 13/06/2024 15:24

Thanks for the suggestion @MyPearlAnt but I am in my 50’s so beyond the baby years and our hairy pet dog wouldn’t be welcome in her house.

My DC are both away at Uni now and she showed little to no interest in them growing up so they have always been aware that they were well down the pecking order compared to DN. So they take some persuading to visit. I sometimes take DH along and she is better then (I work part time so he can only really visit on a weekend and I would rather visit on one of my days off which sometimes change for various reasons). My siblings would never commit to a visiting time either and if I visited when DN was there I wouldn’t get a word in and doubt it would even register with DM that I had even bothered to visit.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 13/06/2024 15:31

You seem very enmeshed with her and waiting for her approval in some way. Even at 50 we can want that. Would you have therapy for this? To help you care less in some way?

BollockstoThis1 · 13/06/2024 17:25

Newgirls · 13/06/2024 15:31

You seem very enmeshed with her and waiting for her approval in some way. Even at 50 we can want that. Would you have therapy for this? To help you care less in some way?

Can’t really afford therapy and also got a lot going on in my family with illness.

OP posts:
Baital · 13/06/2024 17:44

I would go low contact instead of NC, from experience it is less emotionally draining.

Call once a month - if someone else answers pass on a message to call you back when she's free. Don't call her back.

Put you energy into looking after yourself, and accepting that you will never have the relationship you want with her. Prioritise relationships that support and value you.

Newgirls · 13/06/2024 17:47

Obviously we don’t know your personal situation here op but it’s ok to put yourself first. Therapy isn’t always expensive - there is a lot online now. It sounds like with a demanding mum and ill family you are used to putting others first. The only thing you can change is how you react to it all

BollockstoThis1 · 14/06/2024 19:31

Thanks all. I received the expected text tonight asking if I was ok as she hadn’t heard anything from me all week with a dig slight dig in it.

I resisted the urge to say anything to provoke the situation and sent a short breezy text back saying all ok phoned X day similar to the message suggested by @DatingDinosaur upthread. I feel better now I have heard from her and we haven’t had a heated exchange. I think I will reduce contact and phone or visit once a week if no reply or busy with another relative, drinking tea or digesting a meal when I call she can phone back if she wishes. But I am done running round trying to keep going with a relationship that should be natural but is thankless and very one sided. She won’t change now and I need to focus on my life and our family.

OP posts:
VoteHappy · 14/06/2024 19:52

Totally agree with calling and visiting once a week.
DN pushes in or she won't take your call then tough banana until next week.
Take the power back, commit to that and no more.
Ignore the FM, manipulation or PA comments

NOTHING you do will ever be right as the Scapegoat, so stop the hoop jumping, stop hoping she will change, she won't and commit to this and nothing more.

Newgirls · 14/06/2024 21:40

Yes op! Sensible plan and sounds very free-ing.

AMillionPeopleCheering · 15/06/2024 01:06

I have gone through exactly the same with my mum. I would not fix a particular time or frequency for your visits because it just turns into conflict if you can't make it one week.
Then grey rock during the visit.
Covid was fantastic for me because it stopped all the routine expectations and I just never restarted them.

BollockstoThis1 · 15/06/2024 07:10

Thanks I think ours has come to this as she has been behaving worse towards me.

Minor things but they all add up. I.e. getting little or big digs in, playing us off against each other more than usual X has visited X times and X has got this or has done that for me (its the barbed way its said), If I have a day off and don’t visit she tries to catch me out (I am not entitled to do anything other than work or see her) playing games and trying to show me for not visiting as regularly as she thinks I should. Examples, include deliberately not answering my calls, not replying to texts either at all or for 6 hours or more or not at all (when I know she has her mobile and the landline right by where she sits). If I ever phone using the work phone she answers quicker and more regularly and makes a comment that lets slip she had chosen to answer but is shocked it was me. I have seen her do this at home in the past so I know how she works. Oh its just so and so they can just wait my time, I’ll just pretend i’m not in or if they want to know how I am then they can just come round instead of this phoning, they’ll be the ones thats sorry when I’m 6ft under etc, giving birthday and Christmas presents back to me after a couple of weeks in a very ungracious way even though it meets the brief of what she has requested) etc. Very sad but the game playing is wearisome and has back fired.

OP posts:
Passiflora2 · 15/06/2024 07:22

My situation is very similar and I empathise with all you say. I’m at the point where I try to avoid seeing her as much as I can . I go round to do practical things or visit for a cup of tea, then leg it. I don’t even phone her now if I can avoid it. She talks at me for an hour about herself or makes passive aggressive comments. I really can’t stand her but she’s likely to die soon and I’m trying to keep things amicable as I don’t want her to die when I’m not in contact at all. It’s not worth the guilt and anguish.
As others have said, minimise contact as much as you can, keep conversation to bland topics. If she starts being unpleasant just tell her you have to go as you have an appointment.

I can’t even bring myself to do admin for her now. I’ve spent hours sorting stuff for her just to be on the receiving end of a vicious comment several weeks later.

Passiflora2 · 15/06/2024 07:24

I think a lot of this sort of behaviour is a feeling of powerlessness and feeling they don’t matter . Too much time to brood, boredom and loneliness. So they play games, snipe and manipulate.

BollockstoThis1 · 15/06/2024 09:06

Passiflora2 · 15/06/2024 07:24

I think a lot of this sort of behaviour is a feeling of powerlessness and feeling they don’t matter . Too much time to brood, boredom and loneliness. So they play games, snipe and manipulate.

Agreed instead of always trying to sympathise as its almost five years since my father passed I have offered solutions all of which are dismissed and ignored. I have also suggested she is very lucky to have relative good health and have all her family living locally and to have all the visitors she has which is also dismissed and ignored.

OP posts:
VoteHappy · 15/06/2024 12:23

BollockstoThis1 · 15/06/2024 09:06

Agreed instead of always trying to sympathise as its almost five years since my father passed I have offered solutions all of which are dismissed and ignored. I have also suggested she is very lucky to have relative good health and have all her family living locally and to have all the visitors she has which is also dismissed and ignored.

You are offering solutions to an issue she doesn't want to solve.
Her needs are met with this game, stepping out of it is the solution.

Be prepared with firm resolve though as often the " game" ramps up and can include niceness( fake) Flying monkeys and a ramping up of all the previous behaviours.
An arsenal of neutral statements is useful
It's not easy
All the best op Flowers

Hoppinggreen · 15/06/2024 12:26

You cant
You just have to decide if the peace you get from being NC is worth the guilt - it was for me

BollockstoThis1 · 17/06/2024 15:38

Weekly contact is working out better for me. I feel better with less contact and sniping and digs but still a bit sad that it has to be like that. I haven’t made a statement saying I was reducing contact and she hasn’t said anything other than the text last week.

DN is taking full advantage of monopolising my DM in my absence. I went up this morning. Today is my only day off this week which DM knows. I didn’t say I was going to visit and was possibly just going to call after last week. I would normally go pm but either way my visit was scuppered because DN had already arranged to come and take her out late morning. I saw DM for less than 20 minutes which was fine and I won’t call or visit again until next week either. DN walked in and I said hello and she totally ignored me.

OP posts:
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