Opinions needed

[Nannie24]

I would like to hear from you lovely ladies
I have been married 28 years
Got together very young had kids young
Like every couple had up and downs
3 years ago he went to work for a company always had our own business due Covid we had to shut it down
Now he has female friends who he texts and one is in need of help more than I would like
If you text a person most days who is not family is that normal ...
We have discussed that I do not like how much he talks to her and he says it is me that has issues maybe it is.
He's got to the point where some times he leans his phone when he's texting I have said this he says he does not
I have had a rough week my my health have a lot of health problems
So I am probably a lot more tired and not thinking straight due to health anxiety
But my adult daughter was with her dad and saw photos on his phone
Now he says they are only fans pictures... once again they could be
But is that ok? I am not a prude but feel like I don't think that's ok
If you want to look at pictures go on the site then come off it
Why have them as photos on your phone
I feel lost as i don't think he would ever cheat but his words and actions don't always match up
I don't want to go on and on and push him away
But it really has upset me
He is a good man but I sometimes feel like I don't know him
I feel silly asking for help but i can't take much more
I try to talk he shuts down or dismisses what I am saying
He not a great talker never has been
Also is messaging someone pictures like that ok? As I don't know if it's a person not a website
My mind just goes round and round
Any thought would be great
Thanks

Sounds like there’s enough here that your suspicions are justified. But I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions.

Why not say to him please show me your photos/text stream with this person straight away so he doesn’t have chance to delete but you’re not snooping behind his back. I think his reaction will give you your answer.

If he has nothing to hide, he will understand your concerns and try to reassure you and will show you. If he’s hiding something, he will refuse and probably try to gaslight you and make out you’re crazy. Don’t fall for that. If your partner needs a bit of reassurance once in a while, you ought to provide it!

Lmnop22 thank you so much for your opinion it is very good advice I really appreciate you taking the time to message me
I have just found it all very overwhelming and have struggled to think clearly lately

As your partner, he should be validating your feelings, no matter what. Even when he feels you're being unreasonable - which I don't think you are - or when your feelings are a burden to him. If he's not a safe space for you to talk about your feelings, then who is?

Every relationship has different rules, every couple finds their own boundaries on male-female interactions outside the relationship. I don't think messaging that frequently is a problem in every relationship, but the reality is that it is in yours. So then it's up to you AND HIM to find a solution for that. And solutions require compromises on both ends.
If he can't do that, if he can't be validation and accessible and open with you, then maybe you need help from a couples counselor who can show you both - but mostly him - what a healthy communication style looks like.

Don't back down, don't stop pushing. You deserve better.

Girlmom35
Thank you for your message it's also very helpful and you have pointed out a good few points which I appreciate a lot
I guess maybe I am scared of what I will find out and if it will be the end of our relationship
I just feel very unsure of what to do so having lovely kind people like yourself helps me to see the bigger picture which is not where I am at mentally at the moment

You've been together for most of your life. It's normal to feel afraid. But you don't need to put up with this behaviour just for the sake of not ending your relationship.
You need to see your worth, and expect to be treated accordingly. He's being incredibly disrespectful to you and not honouring your feelings. I don't mean that he needs to agree with everything you say and has to do as you please. But everything you feel is valid and merits an open, accepting and loving conversation. Sometimes just having him acknowledge that he hears how you feel and understands can already do wonders, even if nothing else changes.

This, what I've just decribed, is not going above and beyond. It's basic human decency, basic minimal communication skills that everyone should have.

Girlmom35
Yes what you say makes perfect sense just sometimes I guess I don't like to hurt or make issues when it could all just be me
I have come from a background where you don't make a fuss and I am so used to taking care of the people I love it's what I am best at so to maybe cause the problems just seems scary and I have always put others feeling before mine
But you are right and I will try my best to be open without being argumentative and speak as openly as I can
Thank you so so much

What’s he doing downloading only fans pictures anyway? How is going on Only Fans in any way acceptable?! And for your daughter to find them?🤢

Do you suspect these are actually photos your DHs friend has sent him?

Moonstarand rainbows
I don't really like that he has it but I guess it's maybe something he has a right to do
Yes I am concerned it's from a person not a site

The only fans photos I would let slide if they are from anonymous sites etc and he has no interaction with the people, he’s allowed eyes and it is what it is.

Messaging his “friend” everyday, no.

You’ve told him you don’t like it, and he must be getting something out of it to message every day and not want to be transparent about it. If the marriage is his priority he should make it so by protecting the boundaries, that isn’t to say people can’t have friends but there’s a fine line between that and emotional cheating.

If you’ve been explicit that you don’t like it then it’s down to him to decide which he values more. Would he want you messaging a bloke every day?

Betteddaviseyes111
Thank you for your message
I appreciate it
I think it's hard as of yet I have not seen the photos and I do not know where they are from for sure
I still Have that conversation to come
Yes I am not overly happy about the messaging she does have a lot going on but I feel it's put a wedge between us so really maybe that speaks volumes as well
I always thought he would value me more but does not seem that way at the moment
He would say that he trusts me and therefore would not worry about me messaging someone else everyday
I am very open with my family and have nothing to hide
He can be very private which sometimes makes it hard to judge the situation

It is a tough one because there does need to be trust in a relationship, however if them messaging is putting a wedge between you then that’s not okay and I think you should have a chat and be really clear about that.

I don’t believe for a second he would really be okay with you messaging another man every day, even if he says so.

Trust and respect are built by knowing the other person ultimately has your back and respects the marriage above everything else. Maybe try joint counselling to find a middle ground?

Bettedaviseyes111
Yes trust has never really been an issue until last year
It's just sometimes lots of little things add up and then you think how did I get here
I hope more than anything it's all nothing. And we can work things out and move forward
But it still has caused me a lot of hurt and it has made me poorly so there's a few things that need to worked on with just that
Plus I need to feel like he's top priority which I definitely do not
It's been so good getting to hear from everyone on here as I have felt so alone as to what to do and struggling with each day so much
Thanks again everyone