In narcissistic people is the ego their protection?

[Rainbow03]

Sorry I’ve just been reading after finding myself in a narcissistic relationship. I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the years so have started a lot of wondering as I find it interesting.

The huge ego in narcissistic people is that developed as a shield from the terrible feelings they felt as children. Underneath the ego is still that fragile child? That ego needs constantly blowing up like a balloon as they can’t sustain it on their own?

Trigger warning mentions abuse. Yep that sums it up.

I grew up with narcissistic family members. I watched as the narcissism developed in my older brothers. I reckon my father had a really rough deprived upbringing. I have children with ASD and I suspect my father has it but rarely you get a crossover between ASD and narcissism and my father had that version. He is ruthlessly self focused, needs his ego fanned, zero capacity for empathy and a lot of misogyny. He could not connect with his children as people or anyone really other than my mother and even her I’d have to wonder because she has alcoholic tendencies so she is lacking something.

My eldest brother got projected onto by my father where he was to relive my father’s life for him. From an early age he (my brother) sexually abused my sister and me. (The narcissist in him) I got away lightly but apparently he sexually abused my sister into her 30’s. My other brother was his narcissistic sidekick and the two of them bullied my sister and me our entire childhood I suspect because they found the lack of ability to connect to parents (my mother is high in narcissistic traits too) extremely painful and built up that false narcissist self for protection.

One of the two parental environments for creating narcissism are

1. highly critical

2. golden child

My brothers particularly the eldest had both of these.

I suppose golden child literally thinks they are above so the ego is strong. The criticised one has a weak ego for protection. The first one doesn’t sound like a protective ego?

I'm pretty sure my ex was a narcissist. I feel that he simultaneously saw himself as a literal God, better than everyone in every imaginable way, and at the same time was the most insecure person I'd ever met. He had the biggest ego but also the most fragile. How these two states of being can coexist I don't know, but it would explain why narcissists are so fucked up. I think their deep seated insecurity is what causes them to need to hurt people, to feel bigger, stronger, more powerful. And their God complex is what protects them from feeling bad about it; it's what tells them they're entitled to treat people however they want.

I think narcissists also feel in constant conflict of, from their perspective, knowing how special and important they are, but also having this awareness that others don't seem to fully realise or appreciate just how special and important they are. This causes them to feel resentment at the world which again, feeds into why they feel it's okay to use and hurt people.

So basically I do agree with you. But I think the fragility and the ego exist side by side, always in conflict, rather than the ego covering up the fragility.

Very complicated…. No wonder my ex smoked a lot of weed…his head must have been exploding!

My ex didn’t see himself as I god I don’t think. But he did see himself as never being the one to blame in anything despite literally being to blame. Telling him that he was to blame was a No No! He was not god but he was beyond fault. I wonder where it came from. He says he was abused by his father and at the same time his dad was highly critical. I know he projected his needs onto me, I was the tool for fulfilling them, which I was rubbish at. Not my job and I didn’t sign up for that. I think maybe he saw me as a parent. Someone who “should” have loved and cared and supported him who he felt didn’t because sometimes I told him I didn’t like something or agree. I was in his war.

Narcissism is a fear based egoic identity.
Victim, martyr, fear of judgement, fear of opinion and a hundred more.....
Behavioural traits and habits learnt in childhood from family members.