I need to stop trying to mould my mum into a decent mother

[Whatever28394]

Just need to offload I think.

I had a rubbish relationship with my mum growing up. She has anxiety and depression and just wasn’t there for me at all; there was a lot of tension and stress and my siblings & I spent the majority of our time at my grandparents.

Our relationship has improved a little in recent years but when I’m around her I find myself reverting to being a people pleasing little girl. I’m always trying to placate her and avoid her bad moods; she’s always pissed off about something and there’s such a negative atmosphere. I have my own DC now and I’m desperate for them to have a completely different childhood - one of love, warmth, attention. I just wish I didn’t feel like this still after all these years.

Can anyone relate? Thank you for reading!

Im estranged from mine at the moment (I’m late 40s) also mine has severe depression which I make allowances for. But mine is spiteful and mean (eg if you go to visit she will tell you that you need to go to Turkey as you look so bad)
having a c section she tells people you were too posh to push.. it’s all meant as a joke but it’s all spite

i used to let a lot go due to her mental health but I can’t seem to do that anymore … she’s just gone to far

If wasn’t those comments that stopped me visiting .. she literally gives you dirty looks while you visit or rings crying and tells me she wants to kill herself and everyone else has a good daughter …

I’m so sorry you had to go through that, it sounds awful. You sound incredibly strong now to be able to put yourself first and remove yourself from her negative influence. I hope you’re really happy without having that around you.

Yep can definitely relate. My mom is very self centred, selfish and toxic. I have come to accept that it is not in her to be a decent mother so I have given up hope.

My dad who was my rock recently passed away (they split up years ago) and I do feel completely lost, vulnerable and alone as he was like a mom and dad.

Yes!

You can’t pick your parents and they are not always who we needed to be when we were growing up. They most likely had general trauma that they were dealing with but luckily - you’ve stopped that being passed on to your kids.

A really really good book to read on this is ‘Doing the work’ by Dr Nicole LePera. It was a game changer for me. It really helped me look at my mother’s behaviour and also mine. Defo worth a look.

My mum has a whole host of mental disorders, mine and my brothers childhood was really shit and we’re now both no contact with her.

Really try to limit your time with her, quick phone calls and flying visits. That’s if you do want to see her. It’s not your job to fix her or make her feel better. When the negativity from her starts then just leave.

Focus on pouring all the love you have on your kids x

I’m so sorry about your dad passing, that must be awful when you relied on him for support. I can relate to this - that’s how I felt when my grandparents passed (as they pretty much brought me up). I hope you have some support from friends or others while you’re grieving.

I’m sorry for your loss @Fajita123 💐

Thank you so much for this, really appreciate it. The book sounds great, will definitely check it out x

Yes OP I can relate. Best thing to do is distance yourself as much as you can and accept that your mother just isn't ever going to be able to be the mother you deserve.
I hate my mother. She's 92 and has abused me all my life. I'm ashamed to say that I can't wait for her to die. I've had nearly 70 years to get used to her disapproval and long ago realised that I will never experience the love of a mother for her child. Even at my age I find this heartbreaking. As a child I longed to live in a children's home as those I knew who lived there had a lovely time compared to the physical and emotional abuse I suffered at my mother's hand.
I have 5 wonderful DD's and have tried to make sure that they feel loved and cherished but it's hard when you've never experienced such treatment yourself and have nothing to model yourself on. They are wonderful girls and I adore them all - I just hope I've been good enough.
Sending hugs and solidarity OP. x

Yep. My mother has been dead for over a year and it has been the most peaceful year of my life. I’m 52.

Don’t let a crap mother define you either as a mother or as a person. Sometimes we are dealt a crap hand in life and not the one we deserve.

I got great advice in my dads final years, and I think you've already cracked it but:

Stop expecting Italian food at a chinese restaurant.

You'd love Italian food, it's delicious, but it's just not in the menu here unfortunately. I know you don't really enjoy chinese food, it makes you feel a bit queasy sometimes, but you're hungry, you're here and just look at the menu and pick anything.

It really helped me stop feeling disappointed that he didn't think or act/react as id like him to, but that was his issue and not for me to fix

Xx

I can relate as well. I know now that I'll never have the loving close relationship with my mother the way other women do - including my own sibling.

I still do the daughter duty and I'll admit it's getting harder now she's getting older and more dependent. Put it this way, if I was to care for her in her old age the way that we were cared for as children, well, I'd be breaking the law.

Work on detaching emotionally from her, I found that helped me a lot. Now when it overwhelms me, I go all armchair psychologist and analyse why she might do that, and why my reactions are the way they are. And I try to learn from it and put that knowledge into the next generation. I had a dysfunctional childhood, and so did both my parents in very different ways. So I'm working to ensure that the generational dysfunction dies with her.

So true, my mother has definitely shown me how not to parent and I will raise my children the complete opposite to her. She has even successfully turned most of my other family members against me, tbh I am not bothered as it's no major loss to me. I am just glad I had my Dad in my life who taught me everything, even though he has passed he is still in my heart and everything he taught me will stay with me and the kids forever.

I just read on another post that there is always a villian in a toxic family and it's a small price to pay for peace. I am just glad I have such supportive friends who I see as family and who love, support and know me way better than my actual 'family'.

Same situation here. How I’ve kind of made my peace with not having a “proper” mum is remembering that she’s not just my mum, she is a human and we all come with our emotional baggage and damage and issues. I’ve accepted that she is the way she is due to her up brining and I suspect she is definitely on the spectrum somewhere too. The good thing is you’ve recognised what you didn’t like about her parenting and you’re breaking the cycle and not repeating it with your children.

My mum was often depressed. I rarely felt loved by her. Fortunately I made peace with her limitations a few years before she died. My father's behaviour since she passed has been, er, interesting. It must have been hard going for her.

Now I feel sad that we weren't better able to connect while she was alive. I think she wanted to but got overwhelmed. When I meet her in my dreams now it's only love.

Fault Lines book by Karl Pillemer is helpful for accepting the family you got.

Therapy, OP, with someone good. Your mother won't change. All you can do is unpick unhelpful scripts she handed on so you don't let them limit you or your children, examine who you turn into in her company, and focus on how to come to terms with the fact that she isn't who you'd like her to be, and how to get your emotional needs met elsewhere.