Feel trapped in my marriage.

[Hardknocks]

I’ll try and keep this short. DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 3. We have a 2 year old DD.

We have never had the most ‘exciting’ of relationships. Ours was built on friendship, which served us well enough for a while, but now we’ve come to a grinding halt. The marriage is sexless - I’m 31, he’s 30. We haven’t slept together in about 4 months and neither of us want to. Before this dry patch it would happen maybe once every other month.

We just don’t like each other very much any more. I feel we’ve grown apart. We bicker constantly, and often sleep separately after an argument. We try not to let this affect DD, and speak politely to each other but there’s always tension.

I have mentioned multiple times throughout our relationship that I feel we are flogging a dead horse, and yet for some reason he doesn’t want to split up. The last time I got very upset and said I want a divorce he said ‘no you don’t you’re just emotional’. I was adamant I did, and he said ‘fine, but I’m going to keep the house and DD and you can move out as this is your choice, you’re not taking her anywhere.’ So now I feel trapped. I am desperately unhappy but he refuses to acknowledge that I want to leave and just says I’m having a bad day, or I need to sleep on it and I’ll change my mind.

What are my rights here? I don’t know what to do, I just know I can’t spend the rest of my life like this.

Do you work? Does he have a work pension? Do you own or rent?
Do you have your own account with any child benefit paid into it?
Find a free half hour with a family solicitor - yes they do exist - and find out your rights in your situation.
He can ask to have her 50% of the time, how do you feel about that?

Sort out your money and leave. Life is too short to be miserable.

He can’t just keep the house and your child. Just like you can’t just keep the house and the child.

You need to get legal advice. Everything is so dependent on personal circumstances.

Sorry, I should’ve elaborated. We both work full time, always have. We jointly own our house. The child benefit is paid into my account. I would be more than happy for joint custody, I would never keep her from him, but am I meant to just leave without her?

I think I’ll speak to a solicitor and seek their advice, I just feel like I’ve been given no choice but to stay.

You don’t have to leave immediately or stay permanently.

You get legal advice. Then start divorce proceedings. What happens with the house will be sorted during the divorce.

Why on earth did you marry just 3 years ago then have a child? Was it 9 years of happiness followed by downhill since marriage? Or has it always been boring?! It was never going to get more exciting after marriage, only less, so what did you expect. Work at it for goodness sake.

Crikey @Treestumpp thanks for the supportive words.

Speak to a solicitor before deciding anything but no, you aren't trapped. He's just made you think that so you don't leave. I'm assuming you are doing everything so if you leave it would mean he would have to actually do things 😱

Start making a list of questions you would like answers to regarding the house, divorce process and the best way to split finances and childcare. Then start making a list of yours, his and joint assets even if you don't know the amounts yet.

Call or email a few solicitors to find out prices and availability before going for a one off consultation. You can do this

I feel like I could have written your post, so much of what you’ve written echos my own life. If you feel like talking more you’re welcome to private message me.

You’re young, you don’t deserve a lifetime of feeling this like. I think you need to sit him down again and fully explain again, how you’re feeling. Let him realise it’s serious enough for you now to speak tk a solicitor. Could you suggest going on a break? Taking some time apart so you both can decide what you want in life?

Ignore this poster, they seem to exist only to willfully misread what people write and make goady responses.

He doesn’t get to make the rules OP, he doesn’t decide who keeps the house or has custody, but his comments show on why he doesn’t want to split.

I think you need to go and see a solicitor then go from there, but you can’t stay in an unhappy marriage, you deserve better than that.

It might be worth having some marriage guidance as that might help you understand what happened and put yourself in a more positive place to separate in the best way for your little one.

There may be much which could be learned before you split which might help in the future and potentially reduce the animosity which can happen.

Your daughter will be shared for ever and she will could be grateful all her life for how you proceed now.

A lot of marriages go through tough times and come out the other end. You have had enough love to make a long relationship with him, it might be worth making sure what this crisis is just in case there is hope of change?

I write as a d of divorce with parents who didn't know themselves very well and saw the problem as the other. The reality is always much more complicated - IME.

All the time you take to act carefully could really pay off for you all. Not that you have to stay but that you understand why this has happened when you married so relatively recently. And there is no other love interest? That's usually the catalyst for a sense of urgency in the need to break up.

All the best to you, it sounds very painful.

Only you know if the relationship is salvageable but it doesn’t sound like it to me. I have seen a lot of people settle with a partner they don’t want to be with to have children or because they think they should be with someone so they settle. Ultimately if you don’t love and want to be with someone, it can breed resentment and even hate

A lot of you are right, it has gone spectacularly downhill after having DD. She is a particularly high needs child, and we have zero time for each other anymore in between both working relatively stressful full time jobs and caring for her. I know he lashes out and says those things because he doesn’t want me to leave - but maybe we need to reevaluate why it feels the way it does.