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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend's child...........

14 replies

warmsummersday · 07/04/2008 20:11

Hi. I don't know what to do. I have a very close friend and we both have girls the same age and we meet up once a week. I love my friend dearly but I can't stand her child. That is very harsh to say and there isn't many kids I would say that about. She is nasty to my DD, she is bitchy and will say things under her breath to DD or even me, she is rude (burps at the table and just rude in every way possible). Today for instance, we took the girls to the theatre, she always pushes in a has to be first in everything, so after the show we awere paying for car park, she put the ticket in so it was only fair my DD took it out but she was there ready to grab it and did grab it even though I said DD turn. So I had a go and they stormed off to my car, when I got to my car I said it was only fair. I then later apologised for reacting the way I did. (have been quite stressed over weekend)

It's also just little thing like she will say can you spell this to my DD and she knows full well my DD can't but will just keep repeating it.

I just don't know what to do, she stresses me out so much and I am reaching boiling point. The mum doesn't really think there is a problem and it just goes over her head. I never have this problem with any of her other friends, they always play so nicely.

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 07/04/2008 20:13

how old is the child?

PinkTulips · 07/04/2008 20:19

my neighbour, who i got on well with, had a kid like this.... really awful child... rude, mean to other kids, ignored her mother completely. she used to come into our house if the door was unlocked and if it was locked she'd batter on the door or window for ages unless i let her in. she stole things repeatedly and tried to hurt my dd on several occasions

friend moved back to uk in the end and i'm sorry to say i was glad to see the little brat go

MrsMacaroon · 07/04/2008 20:22

Maybe start meeting up at night for girly drinks instead of with kids? Not a lot you can do about her kid being a wee bugger...it might just be a phase of bad behaviour and in six months she might have changed a bit? The mum probably notices but doesn't know what to do...

Youcannotbeserious · 07/04/2008 20:22

Hmm.... When you said 'they', did the mother back the child up?

If so, I'm sorry, but I think I'd think about cutting contact!

3littlefrogs · 07/04/2008 20:31

Don't put your dd through this. Either see your friend without the children, or cut the contact.

You are not setting a good example for your child by not standing up to them, or at least, apologising for standing up to them.

Your dd is seeing the awful child getting away with her behaviour - not good in the long run.

Original poster
warmsummersday · 07/04/2008 20:31

The mother doesn't really say much to the child and lets her do what she wants most of the time and probably thinks I am too hard on my DD but personally I think that is why she behaves so well.

She is 5 and no it's not a stage, she has always been like this since we first met when they were about 2 but it justs seems to be getting worse as they get older and I am becoming more aware of how they behave together and I guess deep down I know my DD doesn't need a friend like her but how do I go about telling then mum?

OP posts:
Feelingbetterslowly · 07/04/2008 20:39

I know a little girl that is exactly the same, if you hadn't put the ages of your dd and friend in I would have thought it was the same child. Her mum doesn't discipline her but I do otherwise dd thinks she can get away with the behavior too, and so the friend's child hates me as well as my dd. We've stopped going round-it was doing dd no good or me, and if it is not doing either of you any good what is the point in going? I felt v bad as I felt like her mum could do with the break (I used to entertain dd and her two and tidy up and settle the disputes between the kiddies while she "made coffee" for two hours-i.e. hid in the kitchen!) but then realized she had people round constantly and basically offloaded her kids and discipline on everyone else! I know it is really hard to do, and I found it very hard, but you need to wean yourself off them slowly so that she doesn't smell a rat and cut contact-you need to give YOUR dd a good life, not her dd xx

Original poster
warmsummersday · 07/04/2008 22:01

thanks feelingbetter for that. Yes the mum is like that, offloading her onto people, I have had her a few times and never had the favour returned (not that I ever would or DD would go on her own)

Did you explain to the mum why you didn't want to see them anymore?

OP posts:
Feelingbetterslowly · 07/04/2008 22:15

No, just kind of petered out contact. She used to catch us on the way out of nursery and get the dd to ask my dd if we wanted to come for tea, so started with "we need to go to the supermarket, but maybe another day", or "we need a night at home tonight as it's been a busy week", that kind of thing, and then would go every third asking or so, but instead of going for three hours go for two, then one, etc. We just got more and more "busy" and kept forgetting to ring as much etc, bad I know but they forget about you in the end

Original poster
warmsummersday · 07/04/2008 22:17

But were you good friends with the mum? This mum is one of my best friends.

OP posts:
Feelingbetterslowly · 07/04/2008 22:21

Yeah, we live two roads away from each other too, and the dd's are in the same nursery class . It didn't happen over night-more over about 6 months (sorry, that bit isn't good news really is it!). her children were always so grubby too-I used to hate having to clean them and play with them etc-it used to make me cringe-things like hands, hair and clothes caked in old yoghurt etc [yeugh]. She's a bright intelligent, kind woman though, I just don't understand it!

MrsMacaroon · 08/04/2008 08:59

i think if this woman is one of your best friends you really should say something... you've got nothing to lose if you're thinking of cutting contact anyway. Either that or only see her- ie evenings/weekends.

baunilha · 08/04/2008 11:22

I have a similar problem, I am not best friends with the Mum though.

Her son is rude, arrogant, doesn't understand 'no' and speaks to me so rudely it's unbelievable. Yesterday was the last straw for me and although my son likes playing with him I'm not going to spend any time with them anymore. I have lost all respect for her as she does nothing to prevent or punish his bad behaviour.

I'm not going to criticise him to her though, no good would come of it and I would suggest that if you want to keep this friendship you shouldn't say anything either. Just slowly stop socialising with the children and meet up for lunch, coffee, drinks whatever, just the two of you.

Pheebe · 08/04/2008 15:54

if most of it goes over your friends head then when together i would treat her daughter just as you treat your own, don't accept poor behaviour, pull her up for burping at the table (tell her its rude etc), pull her up for snatching or pushing in. your friend may pick up on that and it might help start a convo with her. i think if its negatively affecting your dd you need to think about whether its worth continuing exposing her to this other child, no matter how good friends you are with her mum

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