Lovebombing or natural calming down?

[Alltheskiesaregrey]

For those of you who have experienced lovebombing, how long does it typically last? For those in happy, stable long term relationships, how often do you and your partner do romantic things for each other?

I have some question marks over my current relationship. We've been together a year and I can't work out if it's been a natural calming down of the relationship, or if it was indeed lovebombing in the early months and now he's 'got me' he doesn't feel the need to be romantic etc any more.

Love bombers will generally step it up again if you appear to be pulling away. It’s a constant push and pull. But if you’re running round after them constantly looking for affection they’ll act cold.

Might it be more helpful for you to describe your experienc le than asking for others' experiences?

Only because it'll be difficult for you to extrapolate anything from other people's experiences because they will vary so much and won't really say anything about your experience.

And most people probably can't reliably remember what it was like at the start of their relationship compared to now.

I have a male friend who love bombs, it is not some malicious act. He decides he is madly in love with each girlfriend, can’t believe how much he loves them, wants to live with them sees a future, like literally obsessed. Then I’d say he starts to calm down after about a year, and by the two years it’s over.

i say it’s not malicious, as it’s not, he genuinely believes it, that’s how he feels, he just gets so excited. And then he gets to know them properly, the novelty wears off, and it’s a slow decline.

and yeah,he’s a twat.

I have some question marks over my current relationship.

Are there other things as well as the possible love bombing? How are you feeling? Feelings of doubt and confusion might be indicators that you're not in a healthy relationship.

Was it a gradual calming down or just stop? How stark is the change? Was he OTT at the start?
Also, did he then expect certain behaviours or agreements from you in return for all he did, but didn't get that when you stuck to your guns, so no rewards from him since?
It usually gets transactional - put up with this, because I've done that for you ( even though you never asked for it), sort of thing.

I did start to type it all out @GreyCarpet but it was stupidly long! I'll try to condense it.

Basically in the very early weeks I got sick and had to cancel a date, and he sent me an extravagant large bouquet of flowers. It was sweet but weird (to me) due to us barely being a couple then. My friends said I was being cynical and just to enjoy the gesture. He was also very texty, always wanting to meet up and wanting to call me, so on. I shut all that down because that's just not me, I don't do long calls and endless texting, and he did calm down on that stuff and I also did a bit more texting, so it balanced out. But I was wary then about the amount of contact he wanted - it seemed full on.

I've not had anything expensive since that bouquet, so no huge grand gestures, which as far as I can tell is usually what love bombing is, but quite regular little gifts eg chocolates, flowers, things like that. I reciprocated too. In the last 5-6 months there's been nothing like that, no treats except the odd bottle of tonic or a bar of chocolate if we nip to the shop. We do always split date nights, but lately he's not even stood me a drink at the pub, or if he has it has started to feel a bit tit for tat, or even a bit clinical.

We had a weekend away and he totted up all the expenses to divide them, but right down the tiny details say £3.50 for parking. However a few weeks before that I'd taken him for a night away as I was going to meet some of my friends and I paid for the hotel, petrol etc. He mentioned about the cost and I'd said just get me breakfast or something because I was going anyway and he just ended up being free to join us. So he did just got me the 9.99 premier inn breakfast or whatever. Which I thought fine, he's taken me literally, but obviously the travel and hotel was a hell of a lot more!

I recently had a bereavement and though he was trying to be supportive, I found him a bit lacking. When he's got an issue about something, he's very talkative and open, but when it's mine he's just not very good. I think I'd have appreciated a card or even flowers or something, but nothing.

I don't know if I'm expecting too much or being over sensitive because I'm grieving, or if he's now starting to come across a bit tight and thoughtless, or was it a form of early days lovebombing? And it's not that I demand constant gifts, it's more that I've noticed it from their absence, particularly at this moment in time.

In the context specifically of an abusive relationship, the lovebombing stage recycles. How long it lasts in the beginning can really vary, depending on when the abuser feels their partner is committed enough that they can let the mask slip.

When the lovebombing ends, it's not a case of a mere absence of the gushing romance and exclamations of love. It's replaced with devaluation. It's a stark contrast of suddenly putting the person down, making them feel worthless, etc.

Then it cycles back to lovebombing. Abusers work in accordance with this cycle to give their partners hope and to stop them leaving.

I think you may be conflating lovebombing and romance here. They are not synonymous. Indeed it is natural for the romance to die down a bit after a year or so, but that doesn't mean you were being lovebombed in the beginning.

Hmm @Frasers I am starting to wonder if my bf is like your friend! However he's known from the start I have no intention of marrying or cohabiting as I divorced only a few years ago and am in no rush to marry again, but he does say he sees a future and tbh I did too until recently. He's never had a relationship last beyond 18 months, so now I'm wondering if this is why!

To be honest I wouldn't say that he was actually love bombing from the start, as I think most relationships start out like this. He was just keener than you at the time.
Although what seems to have happened over time is him possibly respecting your boundaries more in the way of no marriage or cohabiting.
It does actually seem that you are now wanting more from him and should tell him so as he may not really understand if you aren't showing it. And perhaps your grief (sorry for your loss) is making you feel more vulnerable.

It actually sounds like a normal relationship to me.

I agree with @yellowsmileyface that it appears that you are confusing love bombing in an abusive relationship to someone being over the top keen, to the relationship calming down (the honeymoon phase over). It seems that your boyfriend was very keen at the start (probably fuelled by your good boundary setting), but he's become complacent as time has gone on. His tightness re money is over the top and petty and I would call him out on it. Perhaps he has some money issues and this is his way of trying to deal with them. Perhaps he's losing interest bc he's wondering where the relationship is going (if you've no intention of living together yet). Perhaps he'd like to be living with a partner and it's putting him off that you don't want that. Have a good chat with him and you may find out there are reasons for his behaviour.

Thanks all. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship before so am always cautious about these things, but I didn't experience love bombing in that one. And I don't remember how things were at the start compared to a year mark in my last healthy LTR!

We've had many a conversation about me not wanting to marry/cohabit and he respects those boundaries and isn't pushing for more. He has said is happy with how things are and has never been sure on marriage or kids for himself either. Until last year he had spent many years travelling and working abroad and had very short term relationships so not had the urge to settle down. And early this year he bought a new house for himself which is very much a single man type flat. He knows I won't be moving in or moving him in with me (I have children and he has not been introduced to them as yet).

I'm certainly not wanting more from him either, until recently I was very happy with our status quo. I think maybe at the moment while I'm emotionally quite raw, I was hoping he'd step up a bit more, based on his previous overly attentive behaviour. I did mention this a bit to him at the weekend, saying how romantic he used to be, so I will give him a bit of time to see what he does with the information.

The money thing has given me a bit of the ick to be honest. I know he bought his house so will obvs have had huge financial commitments there, but that was nearly 7 months ago, so I feel like a card or bunch of flowers after the sad news I had, or even a glass of wine or whatever to cheer me up, wouldn't be out of his budget. He has spare cash for sporting events and trips with friends etc and we've had a few city breaks together, so I know he has 'fun money'. I suppose compared to his full-on nature at the beginning, it has started to feel a bit more mundane and not as exciting as when we first started dating. I know that's natural but I can't help keep my guard up and watch out for negative changes as we progress.

He might have a history of short term only because he gets dumped for going off the boil too rapidly. People who are OTT at the start often run out of steam fast. In the beginning they are all excitement and enthusiasm. Trouble is, they can get rather addicted to the initial high, so when it's not new anymore, go into a lull, at which point they could start seeking something new.
This has probably gone on longer than he expected. I would think, as you are offering from the start, only as far as dating, and he is probably a commitmentphobe, he thinks it suits him for now.
It's hard to maintain something that has no chance of progression over time, staying the same can become a rut, even if it does fit with life. Given your situation, I think it's likely that you'll have a few relationships over the years until your DC's are fully independent and you are in a position to share more, things have a way of not staying the same either People want progress or they don't want to get in too deep.