Making new friends, nothing sticks

[UnCornettoPerFavore]

I'm a woman in my mid 30s. I have a few friends but I WFH and am quite introverted and a bit shy, so haven't naturally amassed many friendships over the years. Every now and then I try to put myself out there and make new friends, but I'm beginning to lose all hope with it because every new friendship inevitably fizzles out.

Example 1: met a woman on Bumble BFF. She was lovely, and we had a lot in common. We met up quite a bit and she said she felt like she'd known me forever. Then one day she told me she'd been struggling with her MH, so I let her know I was there for her and checked in on her periodically. Eventually she stopped replying and I never heard from her again.

Example 2: knew someone from a hobby. He would message often and suggest meeting up, and likewise I messaged him to meet up. Then every so often he'd just stop replying and I wouldn't hear from him for months. I'd message him to check he was ok and we'd go back to meeting up, but then he'd stop replying again. So in the end I gave up.

Example 3: this is quite recent. Met someone on a dating site, got on great but I wasn't feeling any romantic chemistry (and I don't think he was either), but we became friends and met up every couple of weeks or so. I really enjoyed his company and I thought he felt the same since he instigated at least 50% of our meet ups. We'd been friends for about 6 months but he didn't reply to my most recent text, sent a month ago. I haven't chased him up as I know it's more than likely I've been ghosted. He did get into a relationship that seemed really intense (not that I said that) so maybe she doesn't like him meeting me, or maybe I've done something to put him off, I don't know. Last time we met everything seemed fine and he was asking if I'd be up for meeting his GF, texting me afterwards etc.

I don't know if I'm unlikeable or if this is just a fairly common experience of trying to make friends in your 30s. It's made me a bit paranoid and reluctant to put myself out there again. Are these situations familiar to anyone else?

Wfh is difficult. I think it’s unhealthy for most people not to have that human contact, and
OLD sites can be minefields for anyone!
Do you have to WFH? Is there a hybrid option?
Or just another job?? Seems extreme but a job is about a lot more than the salary, it’s where a lot of friendships and relationships are born. And of course for many, kids provide social openings too, that aren’t open to you. So if you’re naturally quiet and shy, shutting yourself in the spare room working online isn’t going to help forge those friendships and relationships. Get out there!

Hybrid would be my ideal situation so I'm currently applying for other jobs. I have tried getting out there, I mean that's where my three examples came from and they all ultimately fizzled out. So I'm reluctant to keep putting myself out there because each time it happens my confidence gets knocked more and more.

There comes a point when all your friends seem to get married off and disappear, and so its tempting to try and do the same, not marriage necessarily, but at least get into a relationship. It sounds like youre doing that as you mention dating, so maybe throw yourself into that and try and find a partner.

I think its good to meet friends via repetition i.e. doing a sport or hobby. So for example go and play badminton down the road every Wednesday at 7pm, each week you'll chat to someone at the end, exchange a few pleasantries, then go the next week and it will build and build, then after 2 months, someone will have bday drinks and invite you along afterwards. It takes time making friends as adults. My advice as an adult that has moved around is the key for me is knowing what I am interested in and doing that. Its hard to make friends with people online from no solid base. I have met the friends in my life from living abroad from having housemates, going to women's circles, going on retreats, going to a self defence course, going to a bootcamp 3 times a week....in my opinion, you have to do things regularly, in real life to strike up friendships.

There’s nothing wrong with you. As people get older they are more comfortable in their lives and routines and not being as social so making new friendships can be hard to maintain.

I think getting back in to a work setting would do wonders for you and invite work social events etc.

I understand completely. Found myself single again recently, it’s a struggle tbh, self confidence can be kicked away so easily. But in truth, I’m older and a man, so really you should find it easier on OLD sites etc: Just be picky, don’t emotionally commit unless it really is right. And separately, try sports / activity clubs to just expand your social network without any dating or relationship pressure. There’s decent people out there, just got to wade through the rest to get to them!

@Treestumpp thanks, I mean that’s what I suspected but there’s so often this little voice telling me this doesn’t happen to other people, not repeatedly anyway, therefore it must be me. Rationally I know I’m an ok person.. I did a distance masters and made a big group of friends who I speak to every day, so I can’t be that bad. The problem is we’re scattered all over the world!

@NorseKiwi thanks. I did actually do badminton for a while but I stopped as it was almost all men and they played very aggressively. I do need to find something to go to regularly though. I’m planning on signing up to the next intake of an in-person language class.

@DaisyChain505 thank you, I needed to hear this. And I’m feeling quite positive about a new job where I can have some f2f contact with people. I’m currently on three reserve lists so hopefully an opportunity will arise soon.

@Bittenonce thank you, and I’m sorry you’re finding things a bit of a struggle. I did dip in a little bit last year but ultimately decided I don’t want to date anyone for various reasons. But it does mean these sorts of things are more likely to sting, without that anchor of a partner.

It's really difficult

All I can say is it takes a huge effort from both sides - more than when you're at school or whatever and naturally pushed together

No advice but you’re not alone. Half ditched me when I got pregnant and the other half are like acquaintances now. I do not know why. Sending a handhold

That’s terrible, I’m sorry. Why are some people such shits?

Making friends as an adult is so hard. So much has to line up - most of the time you need to have similar interests, be in similar life stages, have time for a new close friend, have compatible schedules! Which kind of makes it a numbers game, keep meeting people until you meet people you click with. I think the hobby approach is definitely good - that ticks the interests and schedule boxes so if there’s someone you get on with you’re almost there.

God I’d love to know. I think I’m quite self aware but I truly don’t know what’s going on. I wonder how much is caused by modern technology and always being able to find the next best thing? Would we be able to maintain better friendships if we existed at our current age’s a few decades ago? I’m so sorry you’re feeling this too

Difficult agree and Im 50s. I texted my friend few weeks ago. Was childminding but she meet me next week. I find nobody follows up plans.. hobby good but I knew her through kids so odd coffee. She agreed she said nobody commits now. I dont know op its not easy

It used to be easier when people went to church and you saw them Sunday and for activities in the week.

Nowadays everyone has to compete with dopamine from phones so hard to measure up

The first woman was having a bad time and maybe the relationship was just not established enough to really deal with a newer friendships d got in delays about her MH issues.

The last one was supposed to be romantic, it wasn’t but you filled in a gap while he was had the spare time. He probably got a GF so you were a will do for company.

You need to meet a lot more than three people for a chance for a couple to really stick.

It’s all quite mysterious but this helped me;

1(weekly turning up to activities e.g tennis/parkrun volunteering even if you can’t be arsed, still go
2/swim group (sea)
3/worked from home so joined a co-work space which was AMAZING for meeting people