How Has Growing Up in a Blended Family Affected Your Adult Relationships

[TakeMeDancing]

I grew up in a blended family. I had difficult relationships with my mum, stepdad, and stepmum. My maternal grandmother, paternal grandparents, and stepgrandmother (stepdad’s mum) were amazing. My dad and stepmum are fab grandparents to my children, but my relationship with my mum is still strained.

Because of my childhood, I never dated men who had been married, or who had children—I wanted to create a nuclear family for my children. I gravitated toward (and eventually married) what I would describe as safe, stable men. I wanted my future children to have the ‘traditional’ upbringing that I didn’t have.

How do others from blended families feel that their childhoods have affected their choice of partner and parenting styles? I haven’t ever been to therapy, but I’m certain that I’m attracted to a certain type of man because of my upbringing.

I think the whole step-family thing is a red herring. You either have good relationships with your family, or you do not. A multitude of factors can impact that relationship.

I grew up with step-grandparents, a stepdad, and a stepsister. I am a stepmother, and my DD is a half-sister. My father has a younger 'friend.'

I don't know. I just get on with life. There are so many things you can and cannot control, so I try not to give headspace to those things I cannot. I also do not expect people or relationships to be perfect. I don't have high expectations of others or situations, but that doesn't mean I don't strive for things to go well.

I wanted my future children to have the ‘traditional’ upbringing that I didn’t have.

If people could guarantee that, there would be no stepfamilies.

That’s interesting, @DaemonMoon . I don’t know whether my relationship with my mother would have been better or not had my parents stayed together—I was very young when my parents split, so I don’t have many memories pre-divorce. So maybe we would have been strained either way, I’d never really thought of that. I did have resentment growing up that I wasn’t in a nuclear family.

My dad went on to have 2 more children and my mum was very focused on her partner so I always felt a bit out of place as a child, even though I had brilliant relationships with my sisters and step family. I’m the same as you though, I would never have dated a man with children. I never really thought much about it, I just knew that I would be a bit of a shit step mum so I wouldn’t put myself in that position. I also knew I wanted more than 1 child because I know I would’ve felt better if I had a sibling who was going through the divorce with me.

However, there was a lot more to my parents break up than just an amicable divorce and I’ve had to have a lot of therapy for it and I think if I had had therapy earlier then maybe I would’ve been more open to dating men with children or only having 1 child. It doesn’t take up any of my thoughts anymore.

@TealDog I too felt out of place…different rules and expectations at different homes, different routines, the “new family” being like a nuclear family and you’re a bit of an outsider coming in…

Exactly, I think that was a huge factor of why I wanted 2DC because then they’d have someone to fell out of place with. I don’t think every child who’s in a blended family feels that though, I just think my parents were naff at communication.

I had a sister going through it with me, but I still felt those feelings. Perhaps it made it better…I’m not sure.

@TakeMeDancing Did you have step siblings? I wonder if the misplaced feeling are if your parent/s then go on to have a family with the new partner/s - that feels like a nuclear family and you are drifting between homes.

I'm coming at this from growing up in a nuclear family - and my experience was very positive, no dramas growing up, all very safe.

...to "blending" myself as I married and had children, interestingly with someone who didn't come from or valued a nuclear family and then buggered off. I've now met someone and after many years are deciding to blend. I don't think it will be easy but we will definitely not be having children together but will be bringing children from both sides.

@TakeMeDancing Your feelings are what I fear TMD. That's why your post is interesting. Sorry you felt that way growing up.

I'm not minimising your experience, I hope, but I'm from a nuclear family where the parents should have divorced but never did. And it was just awful. All 4 of us siblings are fuck ups.

Of course to the outside world we had the appearance of normality which you lacked & felt marked out by. I'm sad for you & can only imagine how that felt.

I'm sorry for all us hurt people just trying to live the best way we can & trying to avoid the mistakes our parents made.

Parents find a way to mess us up either way.

Like I say, I’m raising my own children in a nuclear family and trying my best (hopefully) not to fuck them up too badly….

One side was a marriage to someone who never wanted kids, so no step siblings or new half siblings. So obvious challenges with a stepparent who never wanted children.

The other side was step siblings who I rarely saw because there was not much contact, and new half-siblings.

I grew up in a blended family, which was for the most part a miserable experience. I definitely didn't want to form any kind of complicated family myself and was always drawn to steady, sensible, kind guys from happy families with still-married parents. DH is like that - parents married and never divorced, he was never married before, had no kids from previous relationships. I wanted my kids to have what I didn't have i.e. a happy, loving, stable, nuclear family with a mum and dad who stayed together. I think DH's parents were a bit worried initially that I might be unfaithful/flighty, given my background, but 20 years on I hope I've proved their worries to be groundless!

Feeling like I never know where home is.
Feeling like I'm an imposition.
Not asking for help (dad thought mum would do it, mum thought dad would do it).
Feeling like no one's priority and sad about it and feeling very smothered if I am someone's priority.
Feeling smothered and controlled by people in general, which leads me to be quite combative.
Very independent thinker - never feel the need to fit in anywhere.
Ultimately more comfortable with arm's length type relationships but then blame people for having transactional intentions with me.
Can be obsessive because I thought a man would 'fix it all' and give me the feeling of home.
But now I've found it within myself and prefer it.

Same (including the bit about the in-laws!).

I really like work friendships because the agenda and purpose is clear. I like to work with people on projects in general, those are the relationships I find easiest and most fulfilling.