I want to leave but in afraid of what my husband might do to himself

[CheekyPeach1990]

My husband and I have known each other since we were 17 or so, we've been married for nearly 8 years, together for about 10. We have had 4 children together, 13, 7 a loss and then a rainbow baby who's now 3 months old. We've been through a lot together.

However I've lost count of the number of times I've thought about leaving or at least separating.

He's not a bad person, he does his best to be a good father but he messes up frequently. He has some issues (childhood trauma) that need working through and he is only just starting to see that. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being his counsellor. I don't want to hurt him but I'm truly worried about what he might do if I leave. We've talked about it before. He knows he messes up and is always remorseful after the fact but how many times must I forgive him?

I wanted to say he's not abusive but I think he is. There have been a few occasions over the years where I think his reactions have been out of line, especially with the children. He won't hit them but he will physically overpower them into submission. It happened yesterday again. My middle son wouldn't leave school so he picked him up, kicking and screaming to the car. My son immediately told me what happened, in tears, and didn't want to accept hugs or apologies from my husband. I told my husband I was disappointed. He hates himself for it.

I'm considering telling him all of this - we are able to have frank discussions with each other but again, I fear what he might do if we separate.

What does messing up look like? Is it more than picking up a child having a strop?

I've also picked up a child when they've behaved like that.

What would you have done?

I don't see what else he could have done in a situation like that? How else does he mess up?

I can't see anything wrong with picking a child up and carrying him to the car. He's not injured, except his pride.

Agree, that's a bad example. I've picked up my DSs against their will when they were kicking off lots of times.

Do you have other examples?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What he does if and after you leave is not your responsibility. You are not responsible for him, thinking that you are is a problem.

I agree with others picking up a child having a tantrum and removing them from a situation is not abuse and something alot of parents do.

I think you've chose a bad example for his behaviour op. I think everyone has picked up a tantruming child to remove them from a situation.

But generally yes, in many other situations, overpowering a child into submission is wrong, it's a power trip and designed to frighten. No child should have to put up with that.

Also, yes it's exhausting being a counsellor to someone's childhood trauma. Tell him he needs to speak to his GP for his moods and also get some counselling to deal with his past.

As for what he might do if you break up? That's on him. Don't let his mental health issues keep you and the children a prisoner. What about your mental health and that of your children? Shouldn't they take priority? If it's a bad situation at home then leave him.

My middle son wouldn't leave school so he picked him up, kicking and screaming to the car.-

If my child refused to leave school, I would do the same. I would not appreciate my child complaining about me to my spouse and them being ‘disappointed’ in me either.

You can leave if you want to, you don't need an excuse. How your husband deals with you leaving is not your responsibility, just like his behaviour now is not your responsibility. Do not let him threatening to do something keep you where you don't want to be. It is a very common tactic, used by (usually) men to keep hold of a relationship. If you feel you or your children are at risk from him, you need to leave.

Seriously, you can't throw labels like abuse when it comes to your children and then give that as an example.
If you don't want to be with him you don't have to be. But don't go around telling people he's an abuser if that's the prime example.

He's not a bad person, he does his best to be a good father but he messes up frequently.... He knows he messes up and is always remorseful after the fact but how many times must I forgive him?

What does he mess up? The example you've given isn't great as PP have said. But if it's so frequent, surely ou can provide a list? I can easily imagine a long list of relatively minor things but that cumulatively become an issue. Or a shorter list of really big things. But I can also see a long list of non issues that are an issue only for you. Can you clarify?

He has some issues (childhood trauma) that need working through and he is only just starting to see that. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being his counsellor.

Totally fair enough. It's exhausting being someone's counsellor, especially when they're doing nothing to help themselves. But, if he IS now tring - and that needs to be a proper attempt eg seeking counselling of his own - then perhaps he deserves a chance to prove it. If he's just saying the words but doing nothing, then I'm with you on being exhausted and feeling you can't do it any more.

don't want to hurt him but I'm truly worried about what he might do if I leave.
You should never stay in a relationship because you are worried about what the person will do if you leave. If you are really worried, look up resources that you can send him to help himself.

Ok, fair enough. The example is poor. But to clarify, my son wasn't tantruming. He was just playing and being a kid, my husband lost his patience and totally over reacted. This isn't the first time, he's done it several times to our eldest and our second child. Because he can't manage how he's feeling, he snaps and over reacts. Our children often tell him to stop, that he's hurting them but he just carries on. Once my son said he wished he could have a new daddy.

He says he'll change and do better and get help etc but he doesn't. I'm not sure this time is any better.

Sorry your reply comment still doesn't indicate abuse just perhaps slightly different parenting techniques. If I told my child multiple times it was time to leave and he flatly refused to leave and ran off to play with his mates I would go and get him and tell him he was leaving. And that may involve holding on to him so he can't run off.

The situation you describe happened in my house last week. DP told DS it was time to go home as mum was making dinner. DS wanted to play with friend so after 2 warning DP picked him up and put him in the car. He came home crying and told me daddy was mean. I asked what happened and when dad and DS explained what happened I told DS he needed to turn on his listening ears and do as he was told. The tears stopped. Now he is 4 but another possibity is the reason your children may play this scenario up is because they get your pity rather than being told they need to listen to their other parent.

It’s really important to have a United front as parents.
If your DH has trauma then he needs to see a psychologist. A wife can’t be a councellor.
If your DH told his DS they were leaving more than 2-3 times and he didn’t come then his reaction doesn’t seem disproportionate.
Be careful the DC don’t come crying to you because they know you will always take their side against their Dad.
Maybe together you could attend a parenting course? Or at least together make some parenting rules together - you and DH together and then explain them to the children.