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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does it go back

8 replies

Nannie24 · 12/06/2024 09:46

Hi there
me and husband have been together for 28 years the last 6 months or so things just seem strained
it’s like he’s always wanting to be somewhere else he does like his own space but it just feel off
I have asked if there’s someone else to which he says no
I know he loves me but I do not always feel loved or like I am his first priority
are kids are all grown up
he does work hard and rarely goes out so in so many ways I feel like I have no right to feel how I feel but I feel like I am going crazy some days
we have had a few issues with a female friend at work which is where I think I started to feel a little anxiety
when I talk to him he listens but does not always response and I have tried to tell him how I feel but now I am worried that if I keep going on it will make him feel fed up as well
any help or advice would be great

OP posts:
Riskitall · 14/06/2024 01:19

How are you? Reading your post I can imagine how alone and confused you feel inside, extremely isolating by the sounds of it. Let's think this through..

How's his physical health, to your knowledge? Any indication of worry or little changes you've noticed? Going to the loo more, sleeping more, could be anything. Sometimes men will subconsciously lock themselves off when dealing with health issues, would he share his concerns with you in that regard? If not please put your arms around him and gently ask. If he's fine healthwise but you're just aware something's off, perhaps there are other problems on his mind, matters financial for instance? Again, same routine. Often, a very subtle act of affection can really open a man up to talk. Try to mark off these possibilities before considering a potential 3rd party being the cause. Are you satisfied you've resolved this previous issue with his work colleague? Because if he's being weird around his phone use in your presence (turning it to face away from you when texting, not taking or making calls in your presence, paranoid or jumpy when notifications pop up etc) it could possibly indicate something else amiss.

Ask for him to show you his messages or whatever else you want to see. Don't sneak or snoop, just gently ask. There is NOTHING wrong with asking. If not you who in the world else has the right? It's given you anxiety in the past so don't be afraid of asking. His reaction will of course be key.

And don't worry about making him feel "fed up as well" if it's his behaviour causing you to. Be bold in asking what you don't know the answers to, just not accusatory. He's your husband of 28 years standing remember? He wouldn't be if he didn't love you back. I personally don't think he's upto any sort of skulduggery, but it's upto you to be certain of that.

Look after yourself

Nannie24 · 14/06/2024 10:32

Riskitall
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my post
I really appreciate it
You have put some very kind and calm sound advice
I am hoping to speak to him on Monday and try to work on it all
Once again thank you I have felt so overwhelmed and low reading your kind message really has helped me this morning

OP posts:
Cyclebabble · 14/06/2024 11:35

I have been married now for nearly forty years. There have been times in our marriage where we have been tired or busy or where we have just drifted away a little. We did come back together and rekindle the closeness but it just takes time and a bit of planning. We did however always have the ability to talk and to be honest. We planned some interesting holidays and set up some days where each in turn could pick something new to do. For me talking is key.

Nannie24 · 14/06/2024 15:36

Cyclebabble
Thank you for taking the time to message me I appreciate it a lot
Yes I agree we need to be able to talk openly but he is not always good at that
I am hoping we can chat and work on things
As he means the world to me and I love him very much

OP posts:
haropo · 14/06/2024 20:36

How old are you both could he be slowing down and want to relax more?

Depressed people often want to be alone.

Hopefully nothing uptoward going on but if your worried keep an eye out,

Nannie24 · 14/06/2024 20:39

Haropo
Thank you for you message
He is 48 I am 43
Yes I know what you mean
Maybe it is me overthinking but I will also keep an eye on things

OP posts:
haropo · 14/06/2024 21:34

Oh I expected you to be late 50s from what you were saying. I see why you're wondering what's going on.

Cyclebabble · 15/06/2024 08:05

Thanks Nannie24. I do not think as a rule that many men are good at talking or expressing feelings. In some families boys were actively taught that this was wrong. They go into avoidance mode and either change the subject or alternatively go into problem solving mode which is not helpful. What I found it helpful to do was to set time aside to listen and be prepared for him to pull away/change subject but gently pull it back to how you are and how he feels. He may not fully understand that he is avoiding even thinking about some of this important stuff.

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