How do I help him?

[Chocolateorangecookie]

My DP of 3 years has a business that’s been very successful in the past but now is totally failing. We live around 2 hours apart.

He has come to a point where he has ran out of money completely and has just has to default on his rent and other expenses. He’s hoping to pick the business up with some new tactics but hasn’t go anything financially or really emotionally or physically to do that anytime soon. Yes obviously really down about it and probably depressed.

He is constantly, understandably, miserable. I try my best to support him with a listening ear at any time, kind and loving words, i do tasks for him to help him out. I’ve bought him groceries before, I’ve taken him on a trip to try and help him relax but it all doesn’t seem to make a difference. He also doesn’t see these things as me helping him. He currently only sees the solution as his business picking up and money coming in.

So my question is. How can I support him going through this difficult time in a way that will actually help him?

It sounds as if your DP is depressed. Please don’t be tempted to put any money into the business or give him any more. You don’t say what the business is but could he get some professional advice or guidance on how to re-boot it? Also, would he see his GP? Perhaps if he felt better about himself he would be able to deal with his business problems?

Thanks for your reply.

He does seem depressed and it’s at the point where it’s really taking it’s toll on my mental health too.

I had given him a small loan some time ago but now he’s in this position again and I just can’t stomach giving him more money that I may well not receive back. So I’ve thought of other ways to support him.

He won’t see the GP as he thinks that the problem is solving the business issues and then his misery will lift once he hasn’t got financial worries.

His business it as a middleman for very specific professional services. It’s a niche area and no body can really help him.

Sounds like his business is unviable and he needs to seek paid employment.

Yes, I agree with you here. He’s so reluctant to do that as he still has some invoices that are outstanding (serious delays to payment but also no money to take them legal right now) and wants to keep the business open and working on it, in favour of getting a salaried job. It doesn’t make sense to me. But I guess he isn’t thinking clearly right now.

He needs to let the business fold if it is not viable financially. He needs paid work.

I would take a huge step back and distance yourself from him. Being a rescuer and or a saviour in a relationship never works out as you are also seeing. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

Thank you. Yes I agree with you about letting the business fold. He’s so stubborn! He wants to make sure his invoices are paid as that would reawaken the business and obviously his own lifestyle. I fear it will destroy him getting there.

LTB? He sounds like an emotional sponge and can’t offer you anything as a partner. No doubt he will want to be cocklodging soon, too.

He can go and get some shifts through agencies to provide for himself. My DH was out of work for a month or so a few years ago and first thing he did was get shifts via agencies to bring money in.
Don't give him any more money.

Well why didn’t he instruct lawyers with your loan to threaten those who owe him money?

And if his business was that successful why did he not have any funds to see him through?

How much are these outstanding invoices worth?!

Why has his work suddenly dried up? Surely there’s no relation between the invoices and his services he can offer?

Business fail all the time - its crap when it does and I;m sure he feels a failure. But he needs to be an adult about it and quit before he gets into more financial trouble. He can't rely on you or anyone else propping him up indefinitely.

I don’t quite know how but his monthly spend is ridiculously high. Especially considering it’s just for him. I spend half what he does and have children to look after and pay for. So a few shifts wouldn’t even touch the sides.

The companies that owe him money are huge, deep pocket companies so he wouldn’t be able to fight them and they’d drag it on for years and bankrupt him for sure.
The money he is owed is substantial so would get him out of this mess.
Im not sure why he doesn’t seem to be securing new business. It’s there but never seems to come to anything or someone else does the deal before him.

If his monthly spend is ridiculous then he needs to review that to find a way to support himself. He cannot just keep spending if he doesn't have money or want you to give him money.

So his spending is higher than a single mother with children but he won't cut back?
He is happy for that single mother with children to buy him groceries, pay to take him on trips and lend him money, but his ego won't allow him to work a few shifts to keep himself afloat until things improve financially?

What does he think is actually going to happen here? How long is he willing to put you under financial stress to keep himself going in an unsustainable lifestyle? You cannot do anything for him, he has to help himself by seeing the reality of the circumstances he is in.

Yes I can’t quite comprehend what the outgoings are exactly to be so high. I can only imagine that perhaps he isn’t being fully honest and there is some debt there that is being paid off too.

I agree with you that there isn’t anything more I can do and that actually what I am doing is enough. He should be happy that so am there for him.

I could help him for longer if his monthly expenses weren’t significantly more than mine.