Relationship mess

[AnxiousAmelia]

I’m 45. I have been divorced for several years. My ex husband and I had drifted apart he was happy with a friendship situation, where he spent 6 evenings a week doing his hobby and I was nanny and housekeeper. I was less so and instigated the separation.

The divorce was slow and almost led to my losing my sanity as he did everything he could to slow it down and tried to keep all our assets for himself.

Eventually I met someone through a new job. He was also divorced and made me laugh and feel good about myself.

I realise now he was love bombing me and slowly but surely pulled me away from my social circle. Missing me when I was not with him or seeing others. Wanting to come with me when I saw friends. Discussing marriage and moving in within six months. I did neither.

18 months in we had an argument and stopped seeing each other. Within hours he was wanting to try again and I’m ashamed that I did. The year since that I have been treading on egg shells. He has mood swings and gets stressed about life and blows up at me. Repeatedly ending our relationship and blowing hot and cold. Sometimes I try and calm him down and suggesting he takes time out and see if he feels the same way in 48 hours and if he still feels the same we should definitely leave it. He always wants to try again and by doing this I have stopped myself experiencing the emotions of breaking up.

i think this relationship is abusive. I believe he has some undiagnosed MH condition other then anxiety.

After insisting we spend time together he then accuses me of suffocating him and needs space. He now wants to pop in and out of my life like we are just freshly dating and I think he wants that first rush of excitement.

i am too old for this shit. I have stupidly been telling myself that if I can understand what drives his behaviour I will be able to easily leave it behind me. I know I have been kidding myself.

we live in a very small rural area I can’t move away due to family and work. Can you please help me figure out how to keep this person out of my life before I lose myself and my sanity.

Get firm. Tell him you're done. Do it kindly but if he won't take no for an answer, get harsh. He probably won't make it easy but presumably he'll get the message eventually. Are you afraid he'll turn nasty?

Tell him you feel suffocated and need space. And then don't take him back.

Just end it and ignore him when he gets back in touch. It's not actually that difficult to do. It just feels like it is right now.

Send a message saying it’s all too much explain how he treats you and how you feel
. Do make it clear there is no going back for
you now , but do need send that message u till
you are ready and can stick to it .
Then let him do his calls and txts but after 24 hrs tell him you are blocking and do it .

If you don’t feel strung enough for that just send the txt and block. You have to put yourself first . He’s no good for you . I’m sure you have read about guys like him on here .

https://drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Do read the above article, it will help you.

Does he live nearby? Do you have any friends or neighbours nearby who can support you? If so, I suggest explaining everything to them and asking them to be on hand if you need help/support. Then be resolute. Lay it all out as a message or email. Explain that it is healthier for you both to move away from this relationship. Leave no open ends. If you have any of his stiff, bag it up and leave on his doorstep. Block and ignore. If he comes round tell him firmly to go. If it doesn't work get someone over to help you.

I have stupidly been telling myself that if I can understand what drives his behaviour I will be able to easily leave it behind me.

That is the problem right here. You are trying to work out what makes him tick rather than trying to work out why you have zero boundaries and no self esteem. Try to understand yourself first and once you have done that everything else will fall into place. Ask your GP if they offer any counselling, or try The Freedom Programme. Hopefully another poster can link to it.

All you need to understand is the guy is dysfunctional and he has brought that to your door.

You can look and analyse the root of it if you want but you are not his psychiatrist or his MH nurse.

Understand that you are on a merry go round and you will stay on that repeating the same thing over and over until you decide to step away.

Remember if you go back you are deciding to go on that merry go round again!

Wait for the next time he tries to end the relationship- shouldn't be too long from what you've said. Give him fair warning that this time will be it. He'll end it anyway, but this time block him on every form of communication, just don't see or speak to him again.