How can I stop feeling jealous over my bf's female friends?

[Lightningbug12]

I've been dating my bf for about 7 months now, and he's truly the light of my life. He makes me so happy, and I am quite content with our relationship. The only main issue I've been struggling with is my insecurity and jealousy when it comes to him going out to drink with his female friends. He only has a few, and I've met them all. They're all great, and they haven't given me any red flags. I have brought up my insecurities to my bf once, and he assured me that he only sees them as friends. No one has given me any reason to feel otherwise, and my bf is always open to listening and talking to me about boundaries and concerns in a healthy way. One of them that he actually brought up was not hanging out with anyone of the opposite sex alone, not because of trust issues but to just avoid any awkward situations or possible problems.

I've been trying my best to work on my feelings, and for the most part I've been doing well, but sometimes I see older photos (like this past Feb/Jan) of them all out drinking together and I get so upset. I have one more year until I can legally drink, so when they go out to bars, which isn't often, I can't come. They do lots of other activities that I go to, but for some reason the idea of my bf going to drink with other girls just upsets me so deeply. Even when I like these girls, and they seem to like me, I just feel scared. But I know there is no real reason for me to feel this way.

I just feel inadequate, and that because he's drinking with them he will want to leave me. As I write this all down, I am aware that I'm being irrational and silly. He proves to me every day how much he cares about me. If I could drink, my bf would have me by his side in a heartbeat. I just can't seem to get over this fear and jealously, no matter how hard I try. He hasn't even joined them to drink in months, yet I still stress whenever I think about it. And I'm not even a drinker, to be honest.

You sound very young and life is too short to be feeling like this , don’t wish your life away waiting on the opportunity to drink and try to fit in with some other people.. live your life on your terms..

I do get how you feel, it must be hard. It's not nice to see your bf out with other ladies having fun, and I wouldn't like it either. It doesn't matter that it's irrational it's how you feel and I would too x

Are you in the UK? If so you could probably go out with them, if you wanted to. If they're all getting served no one will notice you at the back, and surely your boyfriend will buy you a drink. Not at all recommending this if you don't want to by the way! Just that it is a solution. Or you could go and stick to soft drinks. Even if you don't want to do this, I would suggest it to your boyfriend like you do want to come. See what his reaction is. If it's anything other than - yes great!! You might have an issue.

Unfortunately I am not, I'm in the US! I can join the army but can't go to a bar haha. The past couple of times we've all gone out as a group to an 18+ bar, and all had fun together. There's a lot of other activities we do together, and I know that I shouldn't let my stress and life revolve around this issue. I know that if I asked to go to an activity, he would be 100% down. If he said no, I definitely would see it odd.

I just struggle with insecurity, and I have trouble not seeing alcohol as a "Big Bad." I think that's because I am young and don't have a lot of experiences with it. He really doesn't go out with them often, and for the most part I am there then he does, but I just get a strong reaction whenever I think about him drinking with them without me.

Yes you are young and the thing you have to understand here is if he did cheat then it's says everything about him and nothing about you.

I find it weird you are looking for red flags with his females friends, do you apply the same to him?

If something happened it would be his behaviour to blame here not the other women. He is in a relationship with you, they are his friends.

Internalised misogyny is something you have to be mindful of OP.

Oh, that's so interesting. I never really considered it that way. You do have a good point. I can't control what the girls do, I shouldn't focus on that. I should focus on my relationship, because that is something that I do have control over, in some way. I should be holding him accountable if something did happen, theoretically.

I guess I've just always been told to be wary of girls. I've never really believed that, but I guess those feelings were still bottled up somewhere and I didn't realize. He really doesn't have the red flags that I am looking for, I am in a healthy and stable relationship with a guy that is very open to communication and aware of himself. Which oddly enough makes me scared sometimes?

Good OP, half way there.

As women we are socialised to compete with each other (appearance, body, beauty, men) when in reality it's usually the men who do the cheating etc, and yet I see post after post on here blaming women for something a male partner has done.

So focus on you, how you feel, your independence and not reliance on him to define who you are. He sounds like a nice chap, but don't think this relationship is the be all and end all, it isn't. You have a life to carve out for yourself.