Gay relationship: Breakup & depression

[Nikolas17]

May 2023: Met a guy in a gay club on the dance floor (I’m 36, he is 26). We physically attracted straight away & started dating. Things were going well & after 6 weeks we decided to be in a monogamous relationship. He told me he struggled in the past being monogamous & that his 2 previous bf’s broke up with him because he cheated. He wanted to try it though & see what happens. I slowly started meeting his friends & I realized that he met them on Grindr, had sex with them, had gone previously on a few dates with them but they decided to be just friends. Amongst his friends, he introduced me to his best friend, a 47-year-old man, who I always had the impression he is a bad influence. This made me feel uncomfortable & I always thought that his past might create issues in the relationship.
July 2023 – September 2023: There were a few times he was going out with his friends without me & he kissed people or wanted to have sex with them. He was telling me these things & he was pushing for an open relationship. I agreed to an open relationship end of September however we both agreed in boundaries to protect it. I felt comfortable with my decision because I do not believe fully in long-term monogamy & which would also give me the freedom to have fun with others too. Boundaries were: No sex with friends, no dating people, no sleepovers etc.
October 2023: 1 month after he agrees to these boundaries, he is telling me he slept with a friend of his best friend, a person I knew & met previously. He apologized & he said it would not happen again.
December 2023: After both having dinner at his best friend’s flat, the next morning I saw on his mobile phone that his best friend sent him pictures of him kissing his mate who was also invited & saying to my bf they were missing him (I knew in the past they had 3somes a few times with these 2). He apologized saying that this was not appropriate & that he would speak to his best friend.
January 2023 – April 2023: Things were going well & we had monthly discussions about our relationship & the boundaries. No concerns & we were both happy with our agreement.
At the beginning of May 2024: Some friends invited him to Gran Canaria Gay Pride but he also invited his best friend to join. I was suspicious so I stalked him on Grindr as I knew he had recently downloaded it. I was speaking to him from a fake profile & I realized he was looking for group sex with his best friend & others. I also found out he went to Gran Can on a Monday with his best friend and the others would join them on Wednesday even if he told me they would arrive on Tuesday. I spoke to him about that & he said that he was not looking to have sex with his best friend & that he was only looking to go cruising with him to the gay nude beach. I was in a mental breakdown of what happened so I told him I would break up with him because there is no trust & I'm not feeling respected in this relationship. I then blocked him from WhatsApp.
16th of May 2024: He arrived back in London & we met to discuss about what happened. He told me during this trip he broke the boundaries multiple times & only after I blocked him from WhatsApp he found a random guy & had a 3some with this guy and his best friend. He said that the guy only sucked both of them but he didn’t have any sexual interaction with his best friend. He said he does not know why he puts himself in situations where he knows he will break the boundaries, he has problematic behavior & he is too immature to meet the expectations of this relationship even if he thought he could do so.
3 weeks after the break up I am dealing with depression; I lost my sleep & my appetite & I am struggling a lot. I know what he did wasn’t right & I deserve better but I do not know why I am doing this to myself. I am still obsessed with what he is doing & struggling to move on. He posts photos with his best friend having fun & that makes me feel even worse. Let me know your thoughts.

Hopefully someone will be along with some good advice for you soon. I think you should block and delete your ex on all social media, that way you will not be reminded. Be kind to yourself and reach out to family and friends for support during this time, they will want to be there for you. This feeling will pass in time however raw it feels now. A trip to the GP would also be a good idea if you continue to feel low. You deserve so much better than this relationship offered you and you will find the respectful relationship you deserve in time. See your friends and socialise and be around people. Let all your support network know how you are feeling-it's so important they are aware how you are feeling as they will want to get you through this difficult time.

You tried to have a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't operate that way. Pretty likely from the off that all his friends being from Grndr means he shags one or more at any given time.
You are too desperate for a relationship, so desperate you go back on monogamy, then waver over boundaries which were quite lax and minimal and yet he couldn't stick to them.
Mind you, he told you he was like this, has been open about what he does, you're the one who ignored it all.

I'm curious why you think mumsnet is the best place to (over)share the details of your relationship?

@Opentooffers I'd appreciate some empathy rather than jugdements here hun.... Not sure if you even been in love but sometimes feelings make you not see clearly in situations or had the hope he would change maybe. :(

@AltitudeCheck you are right it is not appropriate
Happy to delete it though

But @Opentooffers is quite right with their advice/observation.

And please don't patronise with 'hun'.

He didn't want what you want. He tried but he failed.
You didn't want what he wanted. You tried but also failed.

Honestly, I think unless you were willing to put no boundaries on his sexual behaviour, or he was agreeing to boundaries that he actually could stick to (rather than think he wouldn't be found out), then it was always doomed to fail but you gave it your best shot.

People don't generally change - he might in 10 years, who knows, or he might still be shagging about. That's a long time to wait and see.

I think you just need to lick your wounds, play some sad songs, and eventually you'll realise this wasn't the one who got away, it was never going to work.

@Nikolas17 Ignore the rude posters, you have as much right to post anything you want, as anyone else does!
I know it's hard when you're in love, as it makes you blind to peoples faults.
But if you step back and read your post to yourself as if someone else had written it, then what would you advise them to do?

I'd personally say drop contact, block on all social media and find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve. Don't think about settling down until you're ready and the person you meet wants the same thing.

I'm not being patronising here, but I hope you've practiced safe sex with this man. With the amount of hook ups he's having, he's a risk to any sexual partner if he isn't being safe himself. Good luck 🍀

Why are you posting this on Mumsnet FGS?

It won't be your first heartbreak and probably not your last.
He does sound more imature than you and not ready for a serious monogamous relationship.
Hand in heart l don't think you're compatible.
Right now your heart is breaking and sometimes l think physical pain is better than mental pain..
If you were in physical pain you would take pain medication .. so have you thought about a short term treatment of anti depressants?
You need to gather as many friends around you as possible.. talk to them.. yes they might get fed up of hearing about your heart break.. true friends won't.. they will listen... other than that.. the old saying is true.. time is an healer.. it's like grieving .. you have to be upset and tearful.. then you might get angry.. then you will become to accept it.. the next guy you meet might be bloody brilliant and everything you want in a relationship...then you will think to yourself.. why on earth did you waste your time over this one.. believe me it does get better.. but while you're in it.. you won't see that.. we have all been there. Sending you healing thoughts . X

@Nikolas17 I wasn't being rude (as a previous poster suggested!) I'm genuinely curious why you think users of a predominantly straight, predominantly female, predominantly monogamous forum will give good advice on a non-monogamous, gay, male relationship/ situation? 😆The gay male hook up culture your bf is part of is very different to the lived reality of most mumsnetters!

So why post here??

@Nikolas17

i think what you’ll find is this is not judgment it’s tough love.
what open is trying to show you is you have squashed everything to fit in and you deserve better but only you can fix this for yourself. Only you can put yourself first because he certainly isn’t!

this person has repeatedly told you and shown you what they were like the only option left is to listen to that! Unless you are willing to put up with a relationship where you always have to give to the others wants.

women on here have posted similar issues (although normally less openness so they find out rather than are being told) they often get told exactly the same.

it really doesn’t matter that you are both men, you don’t want what he is willing to offer and to keep you he lies to you that he will follow the rules then breaks them with the expectation you will just put up with it.

some relationships work well as open but only if both partners follow the mutual rules put in place and he won’t do that

"@cheezncrackers Why are you posting this on Mumsnet FGS?":

A very down person reaching out for help, a son. Poster has reached out, he is welcome here.

I'm just wondering what sort of insights he expects to get from a bunch of women, most of us mothers/mothers-to-be.

If I was looking for insights into my life/relationship I can't say the first place I'd look would be a site specifically for gay men.

"@AltitudeCheck I'm curious why you think mumsnet is the best place to (over)share the details of your relationship?".

Have you read the boards @AltitudeCheck ? Lots of people share (over) their relationships. Poster needs support and advice. As the mum of a young gay man, I am glad poster has reached out to this site.

I’m sorry for what he has put you through @Nikolas17 ❤️ it does sound like he’s truly not capable of monogamy and that is a deal breaker for you. I’d also echo what has been said about taking a break from social media, I drove myself demented after a break up for months and months checking up on what a (horrible) ex was doing and it was like torture. Keep your private life private for you as well, he doesn’t get a right to know what’s going on in your life. Keep your head up, try to move on on as best you can and you’ll see just how much you do not need this man xx

Gay men and monogamy don't really belong in the same sentence often.
He told you what he was then told you what you wanted to hear.

Move on and find that person that's right for you.

"@cheezncrackers
I'm just wondering what sort of insights he expects to get from a bunch of women, most of us mothers/mothers-to-be.

If I was looking for insights into my life/relationship I can't say the first place I'd look would be a site specifically for gay men".

Well Crackers, some of us have been mothers for almost 3 decades. My son is gay. Thank you for your ignorant insight, very informative.

I hope that OP knows that this site is here for him. Many of us have children who identify as gay. OP has been brave to reach out.

@Sparkshaveflown I'm also the mother of a gay son. I'd be amazed if he were to post on Mumsnet about his relationship issues.

I don't think he's having fun. Truly. I've known many men like this in their 20s who 20 years later are completely unable to form relationships. Remove the social media / optimism blinkers. He was never actually the guy you wanted - he's an illusion.

Thank you @Sparkshaveflown my sentiments exactly. If men are allowed to use the forum, then why not gay men? Sometimes advice from a woman is more balanced and honest than from another male or ones peers.

That’s not true and quite offensive

@BIWI Possibly some son's have been aware of their mums using this site. They may feel this is a safe space. This is a public forum and anyone can post. A gay man who is depressed has reached out here. Support is universal and not discriminatory.

I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling.

I'm not surprised it's taking a while to recover after this relationship, it sounds like you were on edge a lot of the time and it will likely take some time to realise you don't need to be on edge anymore.

My advice would be to block, 0 contact 0 checking social media, and focus totally on you. Give yourself space and time and put your healing first.

What jumps out for me is that your ex repeatedly violated your boundaries from very early on in your relationship. When you are next considering a relationship with someone, I think it will be important to set boundaries that you are comfortable with, and enforce them! So - if someone crosses a hard relationship boundary, that's it - you're done. This guy has trampled over your boundaries and seen little consequence, while it's now left you reeling.

So my advice is to take time to heal and work on you, get him totally out of your mind and life, and make sure you know your boundaries and enforce them next time to protect yourself from feeling like this again.