I have an awful feeling my daughter is to blame

[Damnedidont]

I love my daughter. She has many sterling qualities. But self awareness is not one of them. She has recently split with her partner of some 6 years. They have a 3 year old boy together. No doubt her partner was not blameless. But my daughter is demanding, self centred and unreasonable and I have the awful feeling that when push comes to shove this split was more her fault than his. She can be insensitive, pursuing her aims with a relentless drive that tramples everyone in her path. She is also very attractive, intolerant and spiteful. Against that she is very hard working and loyal. She now has a new partner and I am filled with impotent dread. I know how hard the failure of her last relationship hit her. And, of course, I am aware of the impact on her son as she co-parents with her ex. I really don't want to hit her when she is down. And even if I tried to get her to see how her behaviour impacts her relationships I know from past experience she will not listen. Currently she is living with another chap. He seems ok. Albeit prone to temper tantrums. But I worry that she will scupper this relationship by her shrewish behaviour. It's not only her partners she is like this with. She is often gratuitously spiteful to her sisters, brothers and me. I just don't know what to do - maybe I should do nothing. But then she seems so set on making this relationship work and seriously wants another child. Her current DP has children from a previous relationship but DD does not seem to show them any warmth. They are lovely kids and deserve better. I want her to be happy but I am certain as I can be that she will blindly destroy this relationship. I don't know what I am expecting from this thread, maybe this is just a rant that I cannot express to someone is real life

Well if he has a temper it’s probably better this relationship doesn’t last. I would tell her to wait before she rushes into pregnancy with him.

Other than that you can’t really do much. She needs to learn how to get along with people.

@Damnedidont that's really difficult, OP!

Honestly, it sounds like you realise there's little you can do unless your daughter asks your advice.

My ex is a nightmare and his mum is very nice to me. I suspect that she feels the same about her son as you do about your daughter. I appreciate her and don't really blame her for what her son is like. Not sure if this is a helpful comment, but it does show that you can support your children while not supporting their bad behaviour.

Good luck to you both!

Your daughter is a grown up. Although it’s hard it’s really none of your business.
If she asks your opinion it’s up to you if you want to be truthful.
Just let her get on with it x

I'd advise staying out of it. Be the place of warmth and comfort for her DC so they always know where to come for a hug and consistent, drama free love.

Equally, love your daughter unconditionally. Advise her if she seeks counsel. Suggest she slows down, life isn't a race and her approach might be difficult for her DC to keep up with and adjust to.

I think that if you offer your opinion unsolicited, you're in danger or alienating her. She'll not change on your say-so. She might dig her heels in to prove you wrong.

That's not to say you should encourage her to live this frantic life. But perhaps watch wisely from the sidelines.

I admire your clarity, so many are blinded by family loyalty.
All you can do is be the best grandma possible and, if advise is ever asked for, be ready with the truth albeit from a place of love for your DD.

my daughter is demanding, self centred and unreasonable.
She can be insensitive, pursuing her aims with a relentless drive that tramples everyone in her path.
She is also very attractive, intolerant and spiteful.
she will scupper this relationship by her shrewish behaviour.
She is often gratuitously spiteful .

I think you need to back away from your DD as it sounds as though you really don't like her. I wonder how much of her behaviour is a reaction to her upbringing.

Has she ever asked you for emotional support?

OP just because they are our children, ones they are grown they are their own responsibility. I also have a DD who can be very self centered, and I freely say that I don't always like her, and its normal to feel that way. We can love out children, but they are not always likable. Sometimes our adult children need to find their own way out of their mess for them to grow. If you are always going to be a traffic light for her behavior she will never get to experience life's consequences. Let her learn, be there for her if she requests it, but otherwise stay out of it. She will only resent you if you keep correcting behaviors she refuses to acknowledge. Let her learn, she is an adult.

she sounds really difficult, but she is an adult and responsible for her own decisions, including how to behave and how to treat people - nothing you can do about it, really

Interesting that the OP has listed other positive qualities that you failed to quote.

Being aware of a persons character does not mean that you dont like them.

I dont like that my eldest DD is a drama queen, there is never a crisis but a full on melodrama. She has always been this way, she was the kid screaming the playground down when she grazed her knee. As an adult she rang me not long ago when the washing machine "was absolutely fucked", the drain/filter thingy needed cleaning out, ranting about how she didnt need this shit now, and when I tried to talk her down she hung up on me. Doesnt mean I dont love her.

You can dislike the behaviour but still like/love the person.

ETA like the OP do worry sometimes that her dramatic antics will drive away her placid and easy going partner, currently they work opposite shift,her days and him nights, but when that changes....yes I do worry that he will get fed up with it. She has lost other people in her life due to it.

I don’t see why you need to ‘blame’ either your DD or her ex for the end of their relationship — people just get bored, or fall out of love, or their feelings don’t survive parenthood. And in your shoes I’d be far more concerned that she’s living with a new man who has ‘temper tantrums’, presumably living also with her three-year-old, than about her ‘shrewish behaviour’. Female ‘shrewish behaviour’ doesn’t usually end up with dead men and children, but male ‘temper’ causes hurt or dead women and children.

Your language about your daughter is horrible. You can recognise her faults without using such emotionally loaded terms like shrewish and spiteful. You are over invested about her relationships, clearly despite the very long list of character flaws you've listed she maintained her relationship for a number of years. Stop fretting about what May or may not happen in this relationship and be there for her if it all goes wrong.

There are a few things you can do - you can say you are worried he has a temper, and you can challenge her negative behaviour when you see her do it. But make sure you limit your comment to what you see her do, don't use it to dump a whole list of faults on her.

Thank you. I feel you have really grasped the essence of the issues.

Nah it's not horrible if it's true and OP has recognised her good points too

And I'd be concerned too if my daughter, who had a 3 year old, had recently split with her partner and was living with a new man

Just be there for your grandson. He's definitely going to need you.

She is one of seven. The other 6 - including her identical twin - do not have this destructive trait. I fear that the emotional support I give her may be part of the problem. There is a fine line between supporting and enabling.

They are accurate descriptors. No point in posting unless you give a true picture And during those years he repeatedly left her, openly only going back for his son. Till he left for good. Who do you think comforts her when her relationships fracture? She comes home . An endless stream of boyfriends Maybe if I had been less frantic to soothe and reassure and more honest ... Maybe part of the problem is that she is dazzlingly beautiful so there are always lots of admirers. Initially. Her female friends have a short shelf life. Not many parents have the luxury of choosing not to fret over their children. Of any age.

I'm not surprised that you're concerned about her.

It's good that you can be honest about her. Ignore the posters so say you don't like her or other such comments.

She probably won't like anything you say, but one thing I might suggest to her if I were you, is to look into the challenges of being a stepmother, especially as she doesn't particularly like/get on with his kids.

It's not fair for his kids to have to be around an adult who feels a she does about them.

If she has a baby with her current partner, the baby will be related to the kids she doesn't like.

If you go on the stepmum angle, it comes across that you're concerned about her, not being critical.

Send her this article to read.

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/support-for-stepmothers-the-challenges-of-being-a-stepmum

OP, I am saying this kindly, so please try to give it a thought rather than dismiss it as a criticism.
The traits you describe likely are a coping mechanism she developed as a child to cope with whatever she had to cope with. Your update that she is one of 7 children and also an identical twin is also telling. The "difficult" character usually does not come out of nowhere. There tends to be a reason behind it.
I personally think that she would benefit from therapy. What I see as a problem is that she lives with a man that has temper tantrums when she has a very young child.
Also, if you were to have some therapy it would help you put things into perspective and give you more insight.

It sounds as though she could have NPD.
If this is the case she will never take advice, she will just manipulate everyone to her own ends.

Me too, it’s hard to be so honest. When she is awful to op and her sisters, I’d call her out then though.

I'm interested to know about how she fit in with the family when a child - where is she in the birth order? - and especially with her identical sibling. The way you talk about her looks is interesting - you note repeatedly that she is attractive but there is a degree of reserve too in how you talk about that, like her beauty is a bad thing somehow, slightly shameful - why would her being beautiful be a problem? Is she prettier or does she have noticeably different features to the other children? To her twin? To you? Did her being pretty make someone else feel bad? Does her beauty or her looks remind you of anyone? If so is that person a handful? I think there is a degree of labelling and scapegoating going on and she's somehow living up to what was expected of her as a child

Thank you but I have now had a lot of constructive advice from a wide range of well informed people and professionals. Luckily you were miles off the point!