Is it too much to hope that life will be peaceful now?

[SoonToBePinocchiosExWife]

After years of my husband's dishonesty and abuse, he's finally moving out. In 3 weeks I'll be free. I can't wait to be able to just live without having to see his chewing a wasp face, without anyone telling me that I'm a failure, and without having to look after a man baby. My friends tell me that this is going to be really hard, and that I shouldn't expect it to be all smooth sailing. Thing is, I'm pretty sure that once he's gone, he'll not be back, despite all his talk of a trial separation.
The one thing that's really worrying me is how and what to tell my 5 year old. Any advice O wise Mumsnetters?

No advice on the 5 year old but it sounds to me like you're already prepared for single life, so no reason why it should be that hard. There'll be wobbles, and I can't say there won't be, but if you're anything like I was it'll be a complete and utter relief to be free of the games and the stress (and the chewing a wasp face).

Well it won't be plain sailing because you've got a 5 year old so you'll have to navigate all the visitation and child maintenance issues, but day to day it will be bliss. Just a couple more weeks for you to get through☺️

Hang on in there OP. You will onli gave 2 people to please and st times, just yourself. Win win.

And that's not to be underestimated. Bed to yourself, what you want on TV, no bloody sport weekends or football kit to wash....stuff you bought staying in the fridge and the cupboards....

Why do the friends think it's going to be really hard?

I think that I've had my frog boiled a little. I didn't really realise how bad it was until afterwards, and they're a little horrified by who he turned out to be. Now they are aware of it all they are worried he'll feel he has nothing to lose and will be even worse to punish me. I don’t think he will, he's too lazy, and as you lovely people have said above, there is so much to look forward to that I can't see how it can ever come close to the sheer hell of having him here.
Just feel really sad for ds. I never wanted my child to grow up with an absent father.

Single life is so much easier than living with a twat.

Your child will still have a father, but if he opts out of his relationship with his child it’ll confirm that he’s not worth it. An absent dad is far better than one you’re constantly on eggshells around.

Yes you are so right.
I feel like such a fool right now.
Listening to him bang on about how I need to take responsibility for our marriage being kaput, because I don't speak to him nicely. He's living in cloud cuckoo land if he truly believes that any reasonable person wouldn't be more than a little peed off at some of the stunts he's pulled. And actually, due to me being a complete muppet, most of the time I wasn't even able to express how I felt to him anyway because I was too scared to.
Once he's gone I'm going to have a little party! And am never going to fall for a man's bulls**t again!

My experience was similar. My marriage was..toxic. I didn’t realise how bad until a long time after he left.
The positives - OMG when he moved out I felt like I could actually breathe for the first time in months. The relief! I didn’t realise how tense I’d been. He was very considerate in the early days.
The cons - Mr Nice Guy went away pretty quickly when he realised our trial separation wasn’t going to pan out and he met someone else within a couple of weeks. The divorce became quite push and pull, felt like his last shred of control over me. He was texting me multiple times a day while I was working. In the end, I blocked him and gave him a different number.
Now we are divorced it’s civil enough. DD (11) is loathe to spend much time with him. I have her the majority of the time. Every single day I think of something he said or did and I think ‘I’m so glad he’s gone’! I have met someone lovely and I am happy to see how things go with him. No rush into the future but it’s nice to be with someone who supports me and treats me well 😊

Thank you so much for your post, it's given me a real boost. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I've learnt that the more perfect a guy seems when you initially meet them, the less perfect and more fake he turns out to be. I feel as if I've been conned!

I’m 2 1/2 years down the line and it’s all calm now. I felt duped too. I married quickly (18 months from meeting to married) and the man I fell for never really existed. He pretended to be what he thought I wanted. Now he’s with someone very different to me and he acts totally different for her. My other half now is definitely not perfect but he’s kind and thoughtful, key for me is he’s consistent. I was single almost a year before I met him though, I needed time to myself to start with.

The positives - OMG when he moved out I felt like I could actually breathe for the first time in months. The relief! I didn’t realise how tense I’d been. He was very considerate in the early days

The day he finally and irrevocably moved out after two years of messing about, I sat on the stairs and cried.

With utter relief that that was over and he was out of my life.

You will be ok 🥰. You will have peace to think what next. Even if you hit a few rough patches along the way, you will navigate your way through what comes next when you don't have an albatross around your neck chipping away at you.

Self compassion, not crisps and wine and you tell him hun, but the ACTUAL PRACTICE helped me. Especially learning about the inner father and the inner mother. Take your healing where it needs to go, with a kind voice (yours) supporting that investment into yourself.

I left a man who was a toxic vortex. I hadn't a pot to p1$$ in, and two toddlers, so, it wasn't "easy" but it was easier than being with him Even when I had no money I could feel peace doing the cross word, having a cup of tea, borrowing books from library, doing a workout in the kitchen. Simple things coukd bring me joy in a way that they NEVER COULD FOR HIM.

So that's what I think, but if you are finding it hard, come back and post again as there's always somebody with a bit of precise wisdom for the chapter you're at

XX

He sounds exactly like my ex. No, it won't be plain sailing though. When mine moved out I had this massive sense of relief which was then replaced by a dark grief (even though I hated him in the end). i found it very difficult to adapt to being alone with 2 kids. That, coupled with his horrifically vile and abusive behaviour towards me (which escalated after he moved out), it was a very difficult time for me. Good news is, I got through it all and I'm happier than ever and don't regret it for a second.