‘D’H advice. I need perspective.

[Yesimtheproblemitsme]

So my DH is on a work trip, I’m at home with our 4yo.

My grandfather died late last night. He was 94 and had dementia.

We knew he had limited time before my husband left for the work trip yesterday afternoon. His breathing and swallow reflex were slowing. DH went anyway.

He died early hours of the morning, I text DH when I heard the news at breakfast time. My family are several hours away.

No contact all day. He finished conference and did paperwork for 4 hrs before phoning briefly to say good night to our child.

He can’t see an issue with this!

You are understandably upset. But he is busy at work.

Im sorry for your loss. Do you have some friends nearby?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I also think that's poor behaviour on your husband's part. I wouldn't expect my partner to cancel a work trip because of a pending death unless I was actually planning to be at the relative's bedside, but I certainly would expect him to check in with me on a conference break after getting the news of the death, and to take time for a conversation before doing his paperwork.

Your husband's behaviour seems unempathetic and I can understand why you're upset.

I think that's poor behaviour too. I would phone to check in and give support. I wouldn't necessarily cancel the work trip, depending on how critical it was, but I'd certainly want to be in touch.

Is he generally not very nice?

I can understand him going on the trip but surely most caring partners would call with condolences upon finding out he had passed.

You have to establish if this is out of character for him or, a regular pattern of him being cold/selfish/a general knob head. And if it's the later, then that's not going to change and, you don't need to live with it if you don't want to.

He's busy at work, but I would still say his behaviour seems rather cold and indifferent.
Has he never lost anyone in his family or his circle? Even when a death is expected, and the person is very old, it's still a wrench for everybody, and then there are all the arrangements and adjustments that have to be made.

Hang on. This is a death, your grandfather's death. People are strange around death.

I think the best thing you can do is be really direct with your DH about what you want from him - e.g. phone calls, coming home.

The way he copes and supports might not be matching up with what you need. So tell him.

To answer a few questions:

The work is a networking event and conference that is also broadcast online. He isn’t a brain surgeon / military etc where it would impact other lives.

I knew he wouldn’t miss the work trip, but this also meant I couldn’t travel to be with my family- it’s too far I one day with my 4yo.

Im a bit gobsmacked he didn’t phone me between his conference finishing and starting paperwork tbh - or before the networking meal.

I was very close to my grandparents growing up - they lived about 4 doors down etc.

That’s very sad, I’m sorry for your loss.
Your husband has let you down, just take your child and go be with your family.

Is he generally a workaholic? My exH was like this, obsessed with work and being seen to be important. It hurts.

I'm sorry for your sad loss. Your husband hasn't handled this well. But you know that already because that's the reason why you're posting. Irrespective of whether people are 'strange' about death or workaholics. Doesn't matter a jot.

What's the background here, OP? I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time he has let you down. I suggest you go and be with your family and take some time to grieve before making any decisions but use this incident as useful data for how you decide to proceed.

yes, he’s a workaholic and he likes his name recognised. He will answer the phone / emails day and night.

It never used to be like this, we used to travel and participate in sport together etc… but he worked for a medical group (not in a hospital, but very niche) during Covid and helped across the world. Our child was born in lockdown and he worked across 4 time zones constantly. It’s spiralled from there.

Don't get me wrong, I know having a job you love is important - I’m lucky enough to have retained in a sector that feels like I’m doing a hobby, but I still maintain boundaries!

Are you having a laugh? Is that what you are used to in your relationships?!! Your bar is very low.

If my DH told me a close relative had died I would stop work (unless it was impossible to do so) and phone him immediately. In the OPs partner's situation this would have been at the very latest at the end of the conference day (although he I am sure he had breaks when he could have phoned). If my DH treated me like this I would leave him. That's very poor. Some things are more important than work and their a very few jobs that can't be interrupted for 10 minutes for an important personal phone call.

I’m so sorry for your loss @Yesimtheproblemitsme . Losing a close family member is devastating and I’d definitely expect a partner or spouse to be more supportive. He’s been unnecessarily cruel, I’m so sorry you are having to deal with it on top of losing your Granddad.

It's horribly cold behaviour. I was devastated when my grandmother died as I'd spent as much time with her growing up as I had done my Mum.

I would be on the phone telling him to stop preening like a peacock in front of his colleagues and get his arse home so you can go to your family. It's no place for a 4 yr old among all that sadness.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

He's a fucking arsehole and he doesn't love or care for you the way he should. This is kind of a dealbreaker.

Has he as an adult has to navigate the loss of someone he was especially close to?

I was very close with my Nan. She died in her 90s my DH left me to be business as usual, went to work and I had to get on with everything exactly as usual, no space or time or much care and concern from him. Not even just stepping in a bit more with our child in the evening of the day of the death.

Then he lost someone close himself 2 years later and finally realised what an insensitive arse he had actually been and at one point apologised to me saying he hadn’t really thought about or understood what I was feeling. Some people don’t get it till they have to feel it for themselves and realise what THEY would want/need from those around them in the same circumstance.

Piss poor and very thoughtless Behaviour from him OP……I’m so sorry for you loss and am sending you a very un MN hug xxxxxx

I am sorry for your loss. Are you able to travel to your family with your 4 year old today?

WTAF to some of the responses??! That the OP should understand that he's busy at work and/or that it's her job to tell to her own HUSBAND how to behave appropriately on the death of her close family member??

"Yesimtheproblemitsme, I so very, very sorry. I'm sorry I'm not there with you right now. I'll be home as soon as I'm able. Please take care of yourself. I love you".

That took me literally 20 seconds to type. What is this man doing that he literally cannot spare 20 fucking seconds to send a message to his wife?

OP, OK very sorry for your loss.

When my dgm was in hospital dh drove me in for visiting times.. When she died he expected me to ask her dd for his fuel costs.
Now an exh...
Yanbu to expect more from your so called life partner..

You say several hours, how far away are your family? Id go, stay over half way if necessary. I drove over 300miles in a similar situation with DC. I just made sure we stopped regularly, let them listen to interesting children's books and had activities to keep them occupied.
I wouldn't expect DH to come home but I'd be angry at the lack of thought.

Unless you’re a surgeon or a pilot, no job is so important you can’t take a compassionate family call. He sounds like an insensitive twat (sorry Op, and sorry for your loss).

Being busy at work doesn't mean he couldn't call or even message to send his dw some kind words on the DEATH of her grandfather.

People really do have low expectations.