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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused about dating

21 replies

GenerallyConfused95 · 11/06/2024 17:06

I'm 30, and I've never dated. I'm shy, Christian, I don't drink or go into pubs/bars and I don't smoke. Where I live now it's basically impossible to get to a church where there is anyone vaguely close to my age so online dating seems to be the only way forward but I don't know anything about it or the sites to use. Any and all advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:
something2say · 11/06/2024 17:46

Hiya

I would Google dating sites for Christians and sign up. If you can't find any, join one of the usual ones and be honest about your beliefs. You arent alone xx

thanKyouaIMee · 11/06/2024 17:49

Do you have any hobbies where you might meet people? Do you go to any places you might be able to strike up a conversation with people? Online dating has loads of specific websites based on faith, definitely have a look!

Pinkbonbon · 11/06/2024 17:51

There's someone out there for everyone.

I'm reluctant to recommend Christian dating sites as my feeling is that unfortunately they attract a larger proportion of predators looking for victims. For the same reason that as a Christian myself, I keep my wits about me at church as they attract both the best, and the worst of people. Evil is always drawn to good.

So, I would recommend instead either joining a hobby group or social group where you can meet people, eg: via meetup.com. Allowing you to take things easy and socialise with various people without jumping straight into a dating. Groups that don't revolve around nights out might be a good start as you may find fellow non drinkers.

Alternatively, tinder. Yup, you heard me right. Imo, paid sites attract a higher proportion of narcissists and oddities. Tinder has a good mix of people looking fir a good mix of things. But it will be, eye opening.

Very important on online dating not to chat endlessly for ages before meeting up. If they haven't met you within 2 weeks, then they are not going to. Lots of time wasters online looking for ego boosts.

Also, obviously, block anyone who tries to turn the convo sexual. Or says anything inappropriate or that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Generally read up now, and throughout your life, how to spot red flags in dating. And also, red flags of abuse. That'll stand you in good stead.

And, as a person of faith, you may find this easier than many, once you get into the practice of it: Take time yo yourself in solitude and ask yourself, or, God, 'is this person good for me?'. Listen to what your gut says.

Don't be fooled by people who are all showy about how good they are or what good things they do. Giving to charity for example, doesn't make someone a good person. Nor does buying you gifts or showering you with compliments. Devil's often come in beautiful disguises.

Look for people who are kind without expecting a return. Who are humble. Respectful. And who prove consistently over time that they are reliable and genuine.

If you use tinder etc then do it in short bursts. No more than a few weeks at a time ideally. Line up a few dates then come off it.

Never meet people at your home. Or theirs.
Always tell someone where you are going and who you are meeting. Or jot it down somewhere next to your house phone.

Keep first dates short (coffees etc).

It's new and exciting op and it'll be a bit scary too. But you can do it! Good luck!

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 11/06/2024 17:54

Very good advice from @Pinkbonbon
Just try not to take it too seriously and good luck, OP!

GenerallyConfused95 · 11/06/2024 18:04

thanKyouaIMee · 11/06/2024 17:49

Do you have any hobbies where you might meet people? Do you go to any places you might be able to strike up a conversation with people? Online dating has loads of specific websites based on faith, definitely have a look!

I've tried to find hobby groups, but unless you're into drinking, darts or pool theres nothing around me and I'm still only learning to drive so not able to go further afield like I'd like to. I have a lot of hobbies I'd like to pursue, theres just no clubs or groups nearby

OP posts:
GenerallyConfused95 · 11/06/2024 18:08

Pinkbonbon · 11/06/2024 17:51

There's someone out there for everyone.

I'm reluctant to recommend Christian dating sites as my feeling is that unfortunately they attract a larger proportion of predators looking for victims. For the same reason that as a Christian myself, I keep my wits about me at church as they attract both the best, and the worst of people. Evil is always drawn to good.

So, I would recommend instead either joining a hobby group or social group where you can meet people, eg: via meetup.com. Allowing you to take things easy and socialise with various people without jumping straight into a dating. Groups that don't revolve around nights out might be a good start as you may find fellow non drinkers.

Alternatively, tinder. Yup, you heard me right. Imo, paid sites attract a higher proportion of narcissists and oddities. Tinder has a good mix of people looking fir a good mix of things. But it will be, eye opening.

Very important on online dating not to chat endlessly for ages before meeting up. If they haven't met you within 2 weeks, then they are not going to. Lots of time wasters online looking for ego boosts.

Also, obviously, block anyone who tries to turn the convo sexual. Or says anything inappropriate or that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Generally read up now, and throughout your life, how to spot red flags in dating. And also, red flags of abuse. That'll stand you in good stead.

And, as a person of faith, you may find this easier than many, once you get into the practice of it: Take time yo yourself in solitude and ask yourself, or, God, 'is this person good for me?'. Listen to what your gut says.

Don't be fooled by people who are all showy about how good they are or what good things they do. Giving to charity for example, doesn't make someone a good person. Nor does buying you gifts or showering you with compliments. Devil's often come in beautiful disguises.

Look for people who are kind without expecting a return. Who are humble. Respectful. And who prove consistently over time that they are reliable and genuine.

If you use tinder etc then do it in short bursts. No more than a few weeks at a time ideally. Line up a few dates then come off it.

Never meet people at your home. Or theirs.
Always tell someone where you are going and who you are meeting. Or jot it down somewhere next to your house phone.

Keep first dates short (coffees etc).

It's new and exciting op and it'll be a bit scary too. But you can do it! Good luck!

Edited

I've been scouring meetup and eventbright, but everything nearby is focused on drinking or on the far side of the nearby cities, I considered tinder, but my friends who aren't Christian have showed me some of what it's like on there and I'm not sure it's for me 😅but I'm going to screenshot and save your advice because it's amazing and I'll keep my eye out for groups that aren't drinks focused, if I don't find anything I might try and create my own 😅

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 11/06/2024 18:12

GenerallyConfused95 · 11/06/2024 18:04

I've tried to find hobby groups, but unless you're into drinking, darts or pool theres nothing around me and I'm still only learning to drive so not able to go further afield like I'd like to. I have a lot of hobbies I'd like to pursue, theres just no clubs or groups nearby

Perhaps you could start one.

A coffee and chat group for example. That meetup site was good for those if I remember right. And lots of men went to the one I joined. Though that was in a city tbf.

Running them isn't too hard if you only do a meeting once a fortnight or something n keep it at like 8 ppl or under per meet.

Might be a bit intimidating if you're shy of course but probably less so than dating. And good practice for it!

I don't think it's very expensive. You can even ask members to contribute a couple of quid each meetup if you want to cover costs too.

Pinkbonbon · 11/06/2024 18:14

Haha great minds think alike, you should absolutely consider making your own!

Aintnosupermum · 11/06/2024 18:17

Take up long distance running. Good mix of people who are more likely than not to be disciplined. Of course you get those who sleep around and drink too much, but I find it easier to spot them in that crowd.

Meadowfinch · 11/06/2024 18:19

OP, being a shy christian doesn't stop you going to the nearest comedy club.

Or choose a favourite coffee shop and a regular slot, 1pm on a weekday, you'll soon get to know the staff and then the regulars. Take a book, do a crossword. Be prepared to chat.

There are park runs in almost every town in the UK. If you aren't into running, you can volunteer as a timekeeper. Google them. You'd meet lots of new friends there. And easy to cope with because you have something to do.

How about a class - martial arts, or some sort of art or yoga. What do you enjoy? What's your favourite day out?

Heed @Pinkbonbon 's advice. Wise words. Good luck.

Ethylred · 11/06/2024 18:36

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GenerallyConfused95 · 11/06/2024 19:02

@Meadowfinch I'd love to get back to martial arts and archery again, I'm not very good but it's great fun. I've been looking for clubs but there's nothing nearby so they're at the top of my list once I have my licence

OP posts:
GenerallyConfused95 · 11/06/2024 19:04

@Aintnosupermum Oh thats a good idea, I have a lot of respect for runners, but I'm not one 😆

@Pinkbonbon I'm going to have a think and a look around to see what kind of things that might be of interest to people nearby

OP posts:
Aintnosupermum · 11/06/2024 19:24

You don’t need to ‘be a runner’ at all. Long distance running isn’t fast per se. I’m really slow but I will run for 2 hours straight. Start with your local park run to meet people and branch out from there. Start with walking the 5km route and build up to running it. L

I never used to think this, but I don’t consider 5km long distance. 10+ miles is what I consider the start of what is long distance running. 5km however is a fabulous place to start and lay the foundation for running longer distances.

GenerallyConfused95 · 13/06/2024 11:46

I've found a localish beginner archery course so I'm going to try that next week, would be fun just to make some new friends.

OP posts:
WordOfTheDay · 13/06/2024 13:11

Well done, @GenerallyConfused95 , nice find! Excellent start.

Maybe you could chat to the people at the Archery class about what kind of other classes they take or clubs they are members of. That would make for interesting convo. and might give you a couple more leads to follow up to get into another activity too and meet the people there.

GenerallyConfused95 · 13/06/2024 13:13

ooh thats a good idea @WordOfTheDay, I'd really like to try BJJ again, so if I can find that or similar I'd be happy.

OP posts:
londonloves · 13/06/2024 13:23

I'm going to throw a slightly "out there" suggestion in here but have you considreed relocating, to somewhere where it is easier to meet people? I lived in rural Devon for a while when I was single and it was pretty hopeless really..... but in a bigger town or city it will be easier to find like-minded people (and the "right" kind of church, I expect).
I totally get that there may be reasons why this isn't possible, but just a thought.

londonloves · 13/06/2024 13:24

Also are there any gyms or sports groups nearby? As others have said, sporty types are marginally less likely to be into drinking, smoking etc.

GenerallyConfused95 · 13/06/2024 13:38

@londonloves considered it a lot, I just can't afford it rn, I am saving to move though, I lived in a different city for a few years and loved it, joined a load of clubs made friends then the world shut down and I'm trying to claw my way back to the normal that was before, I'm looking into activities but theres nothing that I'm into really, but I am glad that I've found the archery classes

OP posts:
londonloves · 13/06/2024 13:58

Good luck - it is really hard. I met my husband in a choir.... things are not great between us now so perhaps I am not a great example but I am sure you will find someone x

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