Please can someone explain love bombing.

[sandrapinchedmysandwich]

I experienced this a while ago and something happened today which triggered all those feelings again.

Basically I met a guy who seemed scarily similar to me. We had the same opinions, morals, values, everything. This wasn't him mirroring me. Often he said these things first. We had this huge emotional connection and I felt like I had found the one for the first time in my life. He was emotionally intelligent too which was the biggest turn on for me. The L word was said from both of us very quickly

He probably love bombed me. But equally so I love bombed him probably as everything felt so safe and easy.

Until it wasn't. One day we were texting about food and other daft subjects. Then the next day he literally disappeared. I contacted him and he promised he would never ghost me and said he was going through something. He would tell me the next day.

Then I never saw or heard from him again. And I still don't know why.

What is the point in this behaviour? I still feel even now that this was the most real connection I ever had. Except it can't have been and even now I wonder why.

Love bombing has as much to do with fooling the other person as it does with fooling yourself. You're not only very eagerly convincing your partner that they are the most miraculous creature you've ever encountered, you're also convincing yourself.
The reason why people do this, can be any number of things.

It could be that you thrive on the high of experiencing one extatic romance after another, but quickly get bored or feel empty once it's not all new and exciting anymore, once you've said everything there is to say to this person you actually hardly know.

It could be that you're deeply insecure and need the validation that you get when someone's falling in love with you or is completely smitten with you.

It could be that you feel stuck in a meaningless life with no real connection with people, and that this is the only way you really feel that connection. But the satisfaction quickly dies down once it becomes familiar.

It could be that you're afraid of committment and feel trapped once someone becomes a part of your daily life/routine

It could be that you have an attachment disorder and don't know what healthy, balanced love feels like.

It could be that you feel threatened by the real work that's required to keep a relationship working after the initial honeymoon phase. The vulnerability, the empathy, showing yourself in an authentic way and not just in the best possible way, faults and all. And once an issue arrises, you take the first chance you have to walk away.

Etc Etc Etc.
Common factor is that when you engage in a relationship that's formed on love bombing, you're not doing that out of love or connection to this person. You're trying to fix something inside you that's broken, whether is attachment, insecurity, fear of rejection, ...
Nothing you ever build on that foundation is solid.
The fact that he did it, says something about him. But he's out of your life and it's not really your concern anymore. The bigger issue is that you did it too. Maybe this is something you need to look into more deeply.

Thank you for your kind thoughtful response. A lot of what you said has resonated with me. Especially needing validation, a real connection and attachment issues. I had a crap upbringing and haven't had many healthy relationships

While we were in the moment I just felt we were following our hearts and I felt incredibly close to him. I genuinely believed this was love.

Aside from the hurried timescale I am still not confident I would recognise love bombing again though as I feel things quite intensely. Maybe therapy would be a good idea

I think therapy would be an excellent idea.
It could help you find the difference between love and this thing you felt with him, which sounds more like an addiction.
The best way I can describe it is that love isn't based on what the other person gives you - what needs they fulfill - but is based on a genuine selfless caring about the wellbeing of that person.
For example with a child. My 5 year old recently got very angry with my husband and said she didn't love him. Although he was hurt, he replied: I'm sorry to hear that, but regardless of that, I will always love you. Even when you're angry with me or I'm angry with you.
That's love. Even when you're given nothing in return, you still feel that love.
Love also doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with that person, because you can love them from a distance. You don't need to claim them or have them to yourself. You'll be happy knowing they are happy, with or without you.

Whatever you had, was based on the needs you had him fulfill. That's not love, that's attachment, gratitude maybe, and an addition to the way he made you feel.

A way to tell imo is - space.

People who aren't love bombing, observe appropriate social boundaries.

Love bombers often:

• Want to be in constant contact. They disregard a persons need for time to decompress. They disregard the idea that you have other things to do than message them.
• Contact you even more when they know you are busy. Eg: your family is visiting? Well here is a barrage of texts for you.
• Regularly want to meet at short notice. Disregarding the respect of giving you time to get ready. Disregarding the respect of assuming you may have other things more important to do than seeing them at a moments notice.
• Use phrases like 'you're the only one who understands me' or 'ive never met someone like you'. Trying to flatter you and build affection too fast. Its not a social norm to say things like this to people you've only known a short time.
• Overshare early on. Again, not a socially accepted behaviour as its boundary pushing. But it makes you think 'oh they must really trust me...so I can trust them'. Again this rushes forming a bond with them. It also encourages YOU to overshare with them.

Basically - ask yourself 'are they being TOO familiar?' (Considering the time frame you've known them). And 'do they give me space to decompress?' And 'do they respect normal social dating etiquette?' Or 'do they try to monopolise my time, as if I don't have anything else to do but pay attention to them?'.

They push boundaries. They ignore normal social respects.

It sounds very plausible that it is only possible with your collusion, when you want it to be true.

A good tip to say 'no' to someone early on in any relationship and to observe how the person responds. Real people in real relationships will take it on their stride.

Good luck, some therapy sounds like a good idea.

In some cases , it’s an intense form of grooming. The person bombards you with supposedly love, presents, affection to get you on their side.

I'm convinced that a lot of men people cannot form connections because they are empty on the inside. They have nothing to give and there is nothing to connect to.

But they still want to a connection so they try to manufacture it. @Girlmom35 really hit the nail on the head saying they are trying to convince themselves that they are feeling these things.

I'm not sure. Lovebombing from a narcissist may be different. You are special, you are unique, you are different, you are perfect, you are fascinating, you are 'the one', the soul mate, they would leap in front of a flying bullet for you. But once you believe this and let them into your life you are shit. It serves a purpose.

Connection is not the aim. Control is.

When you start to feel intensity building, you need on top of that to be able to check your emotions, look at the bigger picture, ask yourself why you are getting in deep. You need the ability to hold back a bit, wait things out, see how they go. Until you've developed that ability through therapy, it will keep happening and each new relationship will feel fantastic, Until it isn't.
I saw someone who started lovebombing last year briefly. I was becoming more wary as time went on, it's little things that give a clue something is up with them rather than just the love-bombing as a warning. Principally, mention of poor childhood experiences, past breakdowns or a little snappy comment at something that makes you feel like you are being put in your place. My guard was rising just as he started saying he loved me - which I didn't believe BTW. We had a discussion about what love meant to him as he was perturbed that I hadn't said it back ( had only been 2 months). Turns out his description was all the usual expected stuff you get at the start like butterflies when you meet, missing them after days apart, fancying them. Nothing to do with love all that to my mind, that's just good chemistry at the start. So I explained that I may have felt all that, but to me that's not love, that's the usual thrill of early days dating. He carried on dropping the L word here and there, I carried on taking it with a pinch of salt, then once I said it back on the phone because he had, and I kinda felt awkwardly pushed into it. I think he may have thought he'd got me emotionally attached at that point, so felt secure enough to unleash the real him on a night out - after many drinks, another habit I was wondering about. Didn't work, he got instantly dumped and blocked ( and arrested for his behaviour). Just felt relief after, some disappointment of how it turned out, a bit in shock as it was a dramatic end, but totally fine and happy that my boundaries were secure, my intuition was right and I wasn't broken hearted over it as I wasn't in love.

Thank you everyone. I think I definitely need to do a lot of work on myself. I crave connection and this guy also definitely felt like an addiction to me