Long post alert - I had posted a couple of months ago about the start of this situation and am aware I did come across as weak and a bit of a doormat but I really am genuinely confused about this as its developed:
Backstory - both around 50, 2 teenage kids each, met online but realised we had a lot of mutual friends and she actually had known my ex-wifes family in a distant way ages ago. Live close by and almost as soon as we met - Bang - it seemed amazing for both of us. We had the same outlook and views, just clicked really. Saw each other a lot as well as kids being around us early on (after about 2 months of being together my son independently of us started doing a PT job with her son).
Things were great and booked a big family holiday at Easter which was great. Bit of a cliche but never argue about anything and we both love & respect each other. Similar backgrounds.
It started to go wrong before our holiday. Her ex (not kids dad) got back in touch and it threw her, she thought they were soulmates and it made her think twice about things. After we got back she said she couldn't get him out of her mind and needed closure on their relationship/needed to see if there was anything there. Obviously I was not happy and if we were that great I guess it should have been an easy no.
We split, and despite going no contact, only twice did we go 24 hours with no contact, both as bad as each other. She would pop round as she missed me and we were intimate. He came down a couple of times but while he wanted to pick things up she realised her feelings for him were not what they were and she hadn't realised how much she had missed me (and no, he has not dumped her, he still wants to get back).
So a few weeks ago it was back on with us, but things felt weird and after splitting last Sunday as I couldn't cope with things being a bit distant, we were actually both in physical pain being apart, so got back together, without really discussing it.
The issue is that after a great weekend again, she had been reluctant to stay round (or vice-versa) something we have not done since holiday. It seemed a barrier and I told her that it didn't feel right, she stayed round on Sat and it was amazing, really close and intimate and I could tell she was really happy, as was I.
But after a chat Sunday and yesterday I worry we are a)overthinking it and b) may not be closely aligned. Despite us both (at a high level) discussing moving in at some point, and her showing me houses in the past few months, she is not sure that is what she wants and believes because I want that its a blocker between us. Yes, in theory I would love to (assuming we are fine, but if it was 12m from now and things are good and still no moving in I would be happy with that)
Also, we are not each others ideal types look wise, I tend to go for someone more glam, more petite and she likes taller and while not ugly she would not describe me as good looking (thanks!). Yet we gel and connect in such a deep way, she loves how I look after her and am caring. We genuinely love each other, and I know from my point of view the things like being more glam is totally irrelevant - I love her for who she is and I think thats the same for her. She also feels I am more into her than she is with me because I am more demonstrative, taking round treats, compliments or doing nice things - often just silly things like a pack of party rings but I am romantic so get flowers too. But, as I pointed out, she gives me time and touch (my love language) which I love more than anything. And she does have this cute grin when we are together. But she can't seem to get back to where we were a few months ago. She actually said that at home she may question things but as soon as we see each other they disappear.
So in summary, we can't really stay away from each other, have the most amazing connection ever, sex is very good, we are affectionate BUT she is feeling guilty for last few months and hurting me and is starting to wonder if thats a sign. I am guilty of trying to get things back to how they were too quickly and wanting to make plans like weekend away, holiday and just acting like a proper couple, rather than living what seems like day to day? FWIW her daughter (16) has told her she is an idiot and that I make her really happy so it helps me validate how I think she feels with me.
Yes, most will say I should have walked as soon as this happened. Yes, I probably had been too tolerant of this but she is an amazing person and I can't walk away and she has had lots of chances to but won't. I know that relationships don't always last forever but my issue is I feel on tenterhooks every day waiting to be dumped! Am sure many will say walk away but has anyone been in a similar way when you do love each other but question the relationship (no abuse, cheating or anything nasty) and got it back on track.