I feel dirty

[Fivegodowntothesea]

Some awful things have happened recently - a family member has died of a drugs overdose, another has been arrested and a third has admitted being abused.

None of it feels real, it’s like a nightmare and my over-riding feeling is of shame and sadness. I hate being involved in such awful events and just want calm and comfort but don’t know where to turn for it. I’m hiding away from the world but I can’t do that forever.

How on Earth do you move forward from such stressful events?

I put a permanent distance between myself and the family member.

I also spent time sitting with my feelings and allowing myself to feel the shame but repeatedly reminded myself that they were the actions of that person and not me.

In your case, none of those things directly involve you. Or involve you at all (unless it was your child/sibling and you have misplaced guilt). You are 'just' related to them. And, as for the person who was abused, it wasn't even their choice. None of it was perpetrated by you and none of it happened to you.

As time went on, the emotional distance became greater and eventually, I had discontented from them (mentally and emotionally) permanently.

Even though it was a very close relative and what they had allowed into my life was unforgiveable in anyone's eyes, I moved on. And you will too. It just takes time.

You have nothing more to do with your family.
Mine are on the opposite side of the UK for a reason.

Not having contact isn’t an option - I need to support the people involved. I just feel so horrible at being exposed to such horrible aspects of life particularly all at once.

If you feel you must be in a supportive role then make sure you pace yourself and put a limit on how much you can give them.
You don't need to get completely enmeshed unless it's one of your children or your partner, so just offer whatever help you feel you can cope with. You might find you need support yourself if you find the situation too difficult, in which case counselling could be helpful.

I'm sorry for the stressful time you are going through. Problems seem to like to come in as a group.
I would suggest you find a support network for yourself so that you can support others and to also maintain some boundaries and healthy habits.
For example, speaking to a therapist or counsellor or a religious figure, bereavement support groups or charities, family of addicts support groups online or in your area, online platforms and forums that connect you with people going through similar issues such as MumsNet. You may need to join separate groups for each issue individually. I think there is a charity or support group for people with a loved one in prison. So do have a look on google, Citizens Advice or your local council's website for support resources and signposting.

Boundaries such as being realistic in how much support you can give and sticking to this amount of time, money or energy and then respectfully removing yourself so that you are not totally drained. One way you could do this is by being upfront about how much time you can stay on call or with this person, explaining you need to go by a certain time and then setting a timer maybe 10 minutes before then so you can wrap it up. Depending on how close those people you are supporting and how dependent on they are on (eg children or elderly vulnerable person), you might wish to involve other professionals to help them and take off some of that support burden.

Taking care of yourself, maybe you could start or increase physical exercise like yoga, walking, swimming... etc. Spend time on hobbies, escaping in uplifting music, radio or podcasts or books or shows. Nature and pets are very healing. Some people find writing in a journal or poetry or art very therapeutic.

Ask for help, be realistic and practical about what you can and can't offer them and then look for the good in the world. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad so the sun will shine again.

Thank you @MyPearlAnt that's lovely advice