Hand hold please, devastated

[NC2024xx]

Met and fell in love with the love of my life three years ago, fast forward through a lot of arguments and emotional turmoil we have now decided to call our relationship a day, we have a six month old baby and my partner is moving out on Wednesday. I'm devastated. It's the right thing to do for our little one to make sure he's not brought up in a toxic environment but my god I'm in agony. It was kind of a "when things are good they were amazing, and when they were bad they were horrendous" type relationship. He's a great dad and my best friend, we still love each other but it's just not working, we've tried and it's just getting worse. I'm heartbroken 😔

That's really awful to hear, especially with such a young baby to care for. Do you have a support network around you?

Did things go wrong after the baby was born? If they were good before perhaps things might be salvageable if you both want it?

If not then lean in to all the support you can possibly get and let him be that great dad.

How much external support have you had? Have you had counselling/coaching on how to manage conflict healthily? What sort of things are causing the toxicity?
The baby years are hard, and without the right tools in your emotional kit, it can feel impossible, and certainly doing it alone probably is.

Thank you for your replies, I do have family close by and friends who will be able to support me. I guess we had problems prior to our child being born but consistently tried to improve them and solve the root and now it's at the point where we know we can't do that. Neither of us handle conflict very well, I need to get it all out my system and often will bait further arguing, and he's very avoidant and will shut down and then get angry because I'm persisting. It's a recipe for disaster. I will absolutely make sure he still sees our boy as often as possible, they have a great relationship and love each other so much. I had planned such a lovely day for his first Father's Day on Sunday, I've been planning it for weeks and I'm devastated

Have you tried therapy so you can both deal with how you deal with conflict and to learn better communication skills?

If you both love one another can you consider therapy to develop techniques to communicate better?

If you love each other and know where your issues are, would therapy and counselling not be worth a try? The early months of a baby are very hard, don't rush a decision.

Maybe try living apart for now and still being in a relationship may work better if you still love each other x

Sad to hear OP, but, for what it's worth, I think you (and your partner) are taking very brave steps if you both recognise that it is never going to work and you potentially end up creating a toxic environment for your son. Very brave. Easy to say 'work on things' or 'try counselling', but you, and only you, know your relationship and if it is retrievable or not. Sometimes, no matter how much you love one another, it can be clear that it will never be 'right' and saying farewell and walking away is the bravest, wisest and most constructive thing to do. Kudos to you - I wish I had your courage!

A bit of space can do the world of good, and allow for more good times than bad.
It will also give you a better perspective on things and whether you do actually want to put up with those bad times anymore.
Time to think will enable each of you to consider what's most important to you in life and hopefully grow as people.
See how things go simply living apart and build from there, it needn't be the end if neither of you want it to be.
Don't worry, when there's enough love there the changes will come with a bit of time and patience x

It's sad that people sometimes think having a baby can bring them closer together when in fact it can pull you further apart. It's not going to work, your not happy the longer you leave it the harder it will get

Counselling was something that we have discussed before, he thinks I need it (and he's probably right) for childhood trauma, and sometimes uses this as justification as to why he's not in the wrong, however I am an intelligent and switched on person and I can see objectively that he would also need to learn how to deal with conflict more effectively, so it is something that we both would've needed to do together (rather than just me, if that makes sense). I think the problem is it feels like we are past that point and getting to the stage where we're starting to dislike each other, which has never happened before, which is the reason why we're finally deciding to act now before it gets worse. It's crazy but even knowing all this and knowing logically and rationally that it's the best thing for us and our son, it still doesn't stop the feeling that my heart has been ripped out my chest. He's leaving this evening so I keep seeing him around the house today and all I keep thinking when I see him is how much I adore him but I know we're not good together. I almost wish we did hate each other as it would be easier to watch him leave. I am dreading the moment he walks out the door with all his things. To make matters worse we also have a puppy who is incredibly attached to him, he does all the fun stuff with her and I just keep feeling like a failure, like how am I going to be enough to make them both happy. God it's literally killing me just thinking about it

@Beachballplayer that is not what happened here. I saw a private fertility specialist and was under the impression that I couldn't conceive naturally. We didn't have a baby to try and bring us closer together

I would suggest you pursue counselling for the childhood trauma regardless of your relationship. You need to process and heal from that to enable you and your child to have a healthy future.

Awww the only thing I can say is...

You say you love him and I don't doubt that. But you also say it doesn't work naturally between you.....

In my experience, when things don't come easy, it is best that they slip away.

I have found that life has occasionally given me things that just didn't work, or they irritated me or worried me somehow. The right things don't irritate or worry me. The wrong things do, and I now accept it when they end or just slip away from my life. I can look back and see that it was right, the way it happened.

So while you are genuinely heartbroken right now, try to think that it broke because it wasn't meant to be. If it had been right, it would just fit. Something better for you will 'just fit.' Don't go over and over it, use distraction to force your mind elsewhere.

And while you wait?? Work on yourself. Love the hell out of yourself. Apply salve to old wounds xxx I promise something better will come along xxx

@something2say that's really good advice and actually makes a lot of sense, we have said before that we don't think it's supposed to be this much hard work. I don't want that for either of us I really want us both to be happy

And you will be happy. You humbly accept this, you bow to it as a truth and you press on with your life, doing and being good, and affirming that you are open to love, but only with the right man xxxx

lm sorry your going through this, I would let him go and start therapy.