DH hates my family

[Storminateacup74]

So my DH has never liked my family. He finds them rude and insolent. I don't see an issue - I don't think they are rude but likewise they are not overly friendly when they see him which nowadays is rare as he keeps his distance. They have loads of friends and are always busy socially which he can't understand because he hates them he thinks everyone should, They are very different to him and their priorities in life are poles apart from his. He made the decision a few years ago to keep his distance as he can't be in the same room as them without feeling really the need to tell them what he thinks of them. But lately their paths have crossed a few times however much I try to keep them apart.

He told me last night he feels cut up inside because there is always something going on involving them and they make his blood boil and he wishes he had never married me because of them. I see them about once every 3 months and never expect him to see them so I don't really understand the issue. He also hates my siblings. My parents are in their late 70's so unfortunately for him they are going to perhaps need my help more and more.

Where do I go from here? In my eyes nothing major has never happened between them but things that I see as insignificant to me are massive to him. My family mean a lot to me and we were always close and I know that when you marry someone you are supposed to put your spouse first but I still want to be able to have a good relationship with my family which is getting harder and harder because of his hatred for them.

He mentioned divorce last night because he thinks it is the only way he can be rid of them. Where the hell do I go from here?

This sounds familiar, have you posted about this before?

You DH sounds like the problem, and he really should not be putting you in the middle. But I wonder if there are other issues in your marriage because saying you want a divorce because of he in laws, who apparently he hardly has to see, is extreme!

He sounds like he is trying to isolate you. What does he think of your friends?

Wow, he has very strong feelings towards people he hardly sees! Has he never learnt to "live and let live".
Out of interest does he have friends? How does he get on with others?
He sounds extreme and mean! I couldn't tolerate that tbh and would welcome a divorce!

typical of a controlling narcissist - isolating you from family, and I expect, friends too.

I can see both sides as I am in a similar position.

Do you have kids?

He will only get on and make an effort with people he likes or has something in common with. He isn't tolerant of people generally- I love people and am very social (a bit like my parents) - if I knew what I knew now I probably wouldn't have married him. He is very very kind and so warm and loving and will do anything for anyone (disclaimer: who he likes!) which is basically anyone who gives him lots of attention and compliments. He says my parents are cold - I would say they are just very black and white and to the point. They definitely don't treat him the same as me - but is that because I am their blood relative and he isn;t?. Maybe they are a bit at fault because I married him and maybe they should treat him like they would a son but since we met there has been tension from both sides - they probably thought I could do better and he wanted someone that basically told him how great he was and that isn't them - they don't tell me how wonderful I am but i still know they love me.

Yes two teenagers.

There's another thread at the moment where the wife doesn't get on with or want contact with her in-laws and the replies are quite different.
Just saying.

Well it kind of depends what's happened.

You say he is talking about divorce, and that things have happened which you think are insignificant but which are important to him.

If it's bothering him so much he's talking about divorce then either take it seriously or get divorced.

It's his choice to not ha e anything to do with your family. He has NO right to try and isolate you. Your later post paints him as insufferable though. Why does he need people to blow smoke up his arse? Is he needy generally?

He doesn’t really see them so I don’t fully get it ?

my dh talks about his family constantly (it takes up most conversations I find even though we don’t see them) to the point I feel a bit resentful but I don’t tell him that

I'm sure this has been posted before

Why do people post this? It's a website with several million users, similar situations are going to crop up frequently. There's only so many possible permutations of relationship drama.

If you ensure spouse and family barely meet, I’m not sure how he feels strongly enough to want a divorce. Had you said an older family member wanted to move in with you, it would make more sense that he is issuing ultimata. Clearly you’ve been married quite a long time if you have teenage children, so what’s changed?

I don't understand how he can feel such hatred towards your family if he only sees them very occasionally. Also he's only nice to people who praise and compliment him? This makes him sound very shallow and unpleasant...does he expect this treatment at his workplace too?
I would simply visit your parents without him, then he's got nothing to complain about.

He sounds unhinged.
His hatred is not normal.
You see him clearly as someone who needs to be flattered and because they chose not to do that, he hates them.
He is also controlling because you see little of them yet he is still seething.
What an awful environment for your children to be around.
I think you should seriously take him up on a divorce.
Your thread is very familiar, have you posted before?
If you have I think the responses will be the same.
Him not wanting to be around your family is fine.
His poisonous hatred of them and his controlling nature is not.
I think his anger is because he wants to fully isolate you but you continue to see them, though infrequently.
Take him up on his divorce.
Be brave. I bet long-term you will be happier.

What are the things that seem massive to him? Do they involve eg driving your children without car seats when little or failing to keep them safe in some way (massive) or only giving him brief congratulations about eg a promotion (petty)? It’s hard to see where he’s coming from. Especially hard to see why he wants YOU not to see them

Having an opinion is normal. Even judging other people is relatively common.
Hating people with this much passion is unhinged. There's something wrong with your DP. I suspect he just likes to isolate you and have him all to himself.
Whatever you do, don't let him manipulate you. And honestly, if he wants a divorce, good riddance.

It is mainly that he doesn't feel part of my extended family as he feels they don't involve him but he doesn't like them and I think they know that. He will never visit them and always goes out if they visit us. We had some photos done for my mum's 70th and none of the spouses were in them - it was just us 3 kids and our kids. His mum involves me in everything and if i can't visit due to another commitment or something she finds that really rude.

Another example - we met for a walk back at easter and they chose an NT property (because they are members they don't have to pay) but we do and he thinks they chose it purposely to piss him off - he wanted to just walk in a local nature reserve - he says I always let them choose - they are in their late 70's so I think now we are fitter and more able so we have to fit in around them slightly. He also gets cross if they miss school plays/sports days or won't babysit etc but they live 30 miles away. His mum lives 15 mins drive away!!

your husband is the problem. just so im clear, he seems to want adoration and because he doesnt get it from your family, he hates them? id call his bluff on the divorce, hes a controlling narcissit.

Is he even nice to YOU?

sounds like your family dislike him too, which makes sense given his opinions & behaviour.

If you want to stay in the relationship would see your family as often as you wish and tell your H his opinions on these matters are not wanted.

For example he’s VU to expect extended family to attend DCs’ things.If he isn’t attending the family meet ups then the arrangements & locations aren’t his business.