Is this an emotional affair?!

[TiredAllTheTimeMum]

Please no hate. I feel very confused and really not sure about anything anymore.
Me and my partner have been together for five years, we have an almost 2 yo DS. For about the last 18 months I feel like our relationship hasn't been great although DP is oblivious and thinks we are okay I think..but I'm really not happy at all. He doesn't help with childcare or house chores or anything really. Hes not there for me emotionally or physically. I have an anxiety disorder and OCD and have done for many years so yes,I accept that on occasion I'm not the easiest person to live with. We haven't been intimate properly for quite some time, I would like to but most of the time I'm tired and have no energy after a long day and he is the same. It's like the spark is gone. Despite all this I do love him very much..

However.. I have a neighbour and he's os very much feeling the same way as me in his relationship, we are quite close, get on well and chat regularly, most days really. He's very good looking and an all round decent bloke. We have lots of flirty banter and there have been many comments passed between us about being with each other and even some sexual flirty remarks. I find myself thinking about him a lot and almost definitely in a sexual way. I feel terrible that I'm feeling like this.. I feel terrible because of said neighbour was to go through with one of his sexual advanced towards me I don't think I would stop it. Is this wrong? What should I do? I don't want to break upy family and I don't want to give into any list because I'm sure this is what it is. I'm not sure of I'm just frustrated sexually and is this why I can't stop thinking about him..I'm very unhappy in my relationship but I feel like I stay out of habit. We have a good life all this aside, financially stable, DP provides for us, he is just lazy in the sense of putting anything emotional or physical into our relationship. Do I just need to spice it up. Feel a bit stuck in an ekt and would like some advice. I don't have many close friends I could speak to about this.

my advice is.. if your husband heard the jokes/chats between you and your neighbour would it hurt him or would you feel embarrassed/ ashamed by it? If so, I think a line is being crossed.
you’re missing something at home, maybe try talking to him in a very calm and collected way to explain how you feel and why you’re feeling the way you are. Maybe even try to initiate something in the bedroom if you’re up for it, it’s crazy where your mind goes when you’re feeling alone and a bit unloved!

It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with your partner about how unhappy you are feeling in the relationship and what you both need to do to improve things (that is if you want to).

You are verging on an emotional affair yes - if not already in one - especially if you have discussed your relationship problems with this person. A full blown affair is inevitable if you continue doing what you are doing.

It sounds like you could do with some relationship counselling if you do want to make your relationship work - would your partner be open to that?

I don't think he would because when I've rued to talk about our relationship he thinks nothing is wrong and we are all as happy as Larry. He doesn't see any issues and thinks I'm just being a bit needy etc.

Yes I agree, I feel like I definitely do feel a bit unloved and alone.

Of course it's wrong and you know it. Don't pretend you don't.

Speak to your partner. Tell him things have been let drift and you want to get back on track. Does he? If he says yes then work at it. If not then split.

Stay way from the guy next door. He's not special. He doesn't think you are special. He's just using you to boost his ego. No more flirting ffs.

You shouldn't be sharing details of your relationship issues with your neighbour and vice versa. You have crossed a line here and you know it, if it's at the stage if he made a pass at you and you'd go along with it then you have gone too far.

You need to pack in this dalliance, not least because shitting on your own doorstep is never ever a good idea. Deal with your relationship in a constructive fashion rather than using it as an excuse to flirt with someone else who is bored and wants to get his leg over, and if you then want to pursue something when the coast is clear, and he feels the same (*spoiler, he won't leave his wife) then deal with that as a seperate issue when appropriate.

Yes I know you are all right.. I guess I just needed to hear it. I feel like I've been going mad. I do know it's wrong. I don't think I want to actually be with him I think it's a lust more than anything. He's attractive, flirty and charming. It's definitely a sexual thing for me. I feel terrible.

Yes I want.to.work.at our relationship. I do love him very much..I guess I'm just stuck in a rut..

Just remember that you both married each other for a reason so you love each other. You’ve probably fallen into some kind of routine with each other and are in a housemate stage. You and your husband probably are in the same boat but neither want to “bother” the other. Go on a date and get some alone time if you can. I’m sure one good day with make you not even bat an eyelid at neighbour!

Yes, a bit of me.rhibks it's a sexual frustration and I guess I'm just craving some intimacy and affection that I haven't been getting from my partner.

Yes obviously it is wrong and you are aware of this. If you are truly unhappy you need to call it a day, or try and have a chat.. if nothing changes then it's time to go separate ways. But this needs to happen rather than cheating on the man.

If your partner isn’t listening to you and can’t see there is a problem then nothing will improve and you need to decide if you want to continue things as they are- it will wear you down over time and you will eventually either finish things or end up having an affair - either way it will end eventually.

You need to end the relationship if you genuinely don’t think your partner will be willing to work through this with you.

You can’t work at your relationship on your own. If he genuinely thinks he doesn’t have to do anything at home or with his child my love would rapidly be dying. You should be honest with him and say I married you so we could be a team. Solo parenting and looking after the house so you have less responsibility than a single man is not a team and I am not sure I Iove you that much anymore. It gives me the ick honestly - what level of entitlement is it to expect to eat every day but never think, shop, cook or wash dishes? Or to have a family but never think you should do bath and bed?

Yes sadly I agree with you. I've tried to talk several times and he helps out for a few days and then goes back to normal. I wouldnt say it makes me not love him, but it does add to a whole picture of things that I just feel unhappy about.

‘However.. I have a neighbour and he's os very much feeling the same way as me in his relationship, we are quite close, get on well and chat regularly, most days really. He's very good looking and an all round decent bloke.’

He is not an ‘all round decent bloke’ if he’s making sexual comments towards a neighbour under the nose of his partner. And with all due respect you have absolutely no idea whether what he is saying is true and even if it is, you honestly want to get involved with someone who deals with his emotional issues by sleazing on his neighbour.

Sadly that brings me back to you because that is exactly what you’re doing too. Sneaking around, flirting and behaving like a teen are not emotionally mature ways of dealing with a poor relationship dynamic. You need to focus on your own home and your own relationship for the sake of your child.

Cheating utterly destroys the mental health of those cheated on, they have to go through a long drawn out healing process that can take 2-5 years. It leaves them suffering with a kind of PTSD from the abusive nature of infidelity. Put simply you’d be passing your pain onto someone else, your partner and his. It is never the right option.

I actually mean this kindly, grow up and deal with the problem, or separate from your husband but stop sleazing on the neighbour!

Being married and doing this to your partners is disgusting, you have no idea the hurt and pain you are causing (I’ve just found this out with my husband and neighbour and now got PTSD from the shock). I utterly hate women and men who do this, mess up lives and think it’s ok for their own selfish dopamine hit. Shame on you.

Bit strong but I accept your comments. I would just like to add though that nothing physical has happened and I doubt it will so it's not like a full blown affair AT ALL.

Emotional affairs hurt just as much and cause the same damage as physical ones, do your research

A man writing your OP on Mumsnet would be wearing his balls for earrings before sundown. So no hate whatsoever but no handhold either. Don't delude yourself that you're not behaving as all cheaters do. Sneaking about in plain sight whilst lying to the person who took a chance on loving you. Too tired for flirty bants with the man you married (let alone proper physical intimacy) yet you've no problems encouraging a neighbour's bloke to perv from over the garden fence! So where do you find the energy for that?!;You've said your own husband is equally tired. Probably from putting in the effort needed to provide for his family. Physical or not, you're already in affair territory. The "banter" is sexual, you're physically attracted and both engaging one another. Your hubs might very well be "oblivious" but how about your neighbour's wife? Other neighbors or friends who might know them? Don't be so confident everyone's a mug and it's all going unnoticed.

Your not at the point of no return here you seem like if you really want you could save your relationship, perhaps if you pit the energy/thought/time into your primary relationship instead of the neighbour it can be saved. Maybe try doing even the mundane things together & having a laugh, big one here turn the TV off and chat together (you get the idea) invest in each other

First, you need to accept and take accountability for the fact that you're having an affair. Making the distinction between emotional or 'full blown' physical affair just minimises the damage you're doing. You are doing something wrong and you know it. If not, you wouldn't mind telling your husband about it.
Also, the lack of sexual intimacy in your relationship or the quality of your relationship doesn't justify cheating. Ever. If your relationship sucks, you work on a way to fix it or you leave. Period.

Second, you need to make a decision about your relationship. Your husband may have some good qualities, but that doesn't change the fact that you're unhappy and he's unwilling to even acknowledge that. He's probably not solely to blame for the state of your relationship and I'm sure you have your faults too, like we all do, but if there is no willingness to even admit that something's wrong, you shouldn't be wanting to stay with this man. Especially because your relationship is so unsatisfactory in an emotional, physical and sexual way that you're on the verge of cheating.

Third, the neighbour is not a decent guy and he's not your way out of a miserable marriage. He's a selfish and stupid man who's risking his marriage for a fling. Do you know what men like that do if you'd ever end up in a relationship with him? At the first sign of trouble, instead of working on the problems, he'll end up cheating again.
You're trying to distract yourself with some flirty comments or a way to fulfill the sexual needs that have been left unanswered. But the real problems in your marriage aren't the lack of sex. This is the result of the underlying problems, like the lack of connection between you. Having sex with your neighbour isn't going to make that disappear.

Start making better decisions.

I don't know anything about you or your relationship really, but all I will say is that raising kids is HARD, and it might seem that the grass is greener on the other side - but I bet it wouldn't be.

It's funny how your feelings for DP waning have pretty much coincided with the time you settled into full time parenthood (after the madness of having a newborn settled down). It's not a coincidence.

You need to talk to him, and make time for each other without the baby, if you have anyone who could look after him while you go out for the evening.

It's a nice boost to have a bit of a flirt with someone, but long term relationships aren't like that. The spark fades and you settle into just "doing life" together.

Nobody can tell you whether or not you and DP can work things out - but please don't think this exciting thing you have going with your neighbour is the answer.

I think you’re minimising your behaviour. I agree with @user1471886287 you don’t understand the damage an emotional affair can have. Would you honestly feel ok thinking of your husband having flirty sexual banter with the neighbour?

‘I feel terrible because of said neighbour was to go through with one of his sexual advanced towards me I don't think I would stop it.’

This also doesn’t sound like someone who doubts it will happen. I think you very much had hoped it will.

You really do need to grow up and fast. Before you and this idiot cause serious damage to those you profess to love.

I've tried to speak to DP tonight about everything and how I don't feel we have any affection or intimacy and that I'm really not happy. He thinks it's a joke and is not really listening or taking me seriously. Took himself off to bed and basically ignored me so I guess it's time to make plans to decide what to do next. I think maybe just a clean break because I'm not going on like this anymore. I can't be in a sexless marriage where there is no physical or emotional connection anymore. I want to try and I'm completely willing but he's not bothered so not sure what I can do now. I've made it clear that if he isn't willing to work with me here and can't/won't give me the attention and intimacy that I need them I will simply look for it elsewhere. Hes not.botjwred and km so surprised so I guess that's all I needed to know. I feel like he feels the same as.me.amdaybe it's passed being fixed and that's why he's not willing to work with me.

With respect what did you offer him in the way of connecting.

I've seen people who have affairs and their grand talks of how they tried to work on things.

A curt I want more, love, time and affection and if it's not forthcoming in the feelings department, which it can't possibly compete with a new love interest then the flouncing starts.

Be careful, no matter what you say to your husband for one he doesn't know he's in competition with another man and you will not get the high from your h as much as you do with the neighbour.
Frankly there is much to go wrong here, you are shitting on your doorstep, can you not see how this could backfire on you monumentally.

You are currently having an affair.
Your h probably has already picked up on you having a spring in your step and at the same time being pissed off with him. These actions are not going to make your h 'pull his socks up', this behaviour is going to make him detest you.