Do narcissists see "being in love" as a possession.

[Misslooo9]

Recently, the father of my son and I made the difficult decision to separate. This choice weighed heavily on me. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who required his full attention two years ago, making it impossible for us to live together due to her special needs.so he moved out. Despite our efforts over the past two years to sustain our relationship by meeting a couple of times a week, typically for a coffee or a few hours, I felt increasingly burdened by his projections of insecurity onto me. This led me to a place of diminished self-esteem and self-worth. After mustering the strength to extricate myself from this situation and dig myself out of this hole I felt I was in, despite my desire for our relationship to succeed, I finally found the courage to walk away.

He has been on a personal healing journey, seeking therapy for his mental well-being and acknowledging certain narcissistic tendencies that I had previously tried to make him aware of and how they impacted me during our relationship.

While I recognise his progress, he recently disclosed to me, upon inquiry and without hesitation, he is not in love with me. His reasoning was, "you didn't want to be with me and we not in a relationship, so how could I be in love with you?" Hearing this from the man I dedicated six years to felt like a devastating blow. I had never viewed love as a form of possession. He believes that love requires a mutual relationship, and without that, love cannot exist.

Is this perspective a narcissistic trait? Or am I unjustified in feeling the way I do?
I feel very upset and wanted advice.

I'm a bit confused. For the last two years your relationship has consisted of a weekly coffee? And you ended it? And then you asked him if he loved you and he said no, because the two of you weren't in a relationship anymore?

That sounds fair enough to me. I think lots of people think love has to be reciprocal, and if it's just one-way then it's more a form of madness. (I realise opinions vary, read Enduring Love)

You sound really upset that he's not still in love with you, if I understand your post correctly. I mean this kindly - it doesn't sound like it's been much of a relationship, and probably moving on would be good for you too.

The only person narcissists are capable of loving is themselves.

For the past two years, I pleaded with him to spend the night and prioritize our relationship, but we faced challenges due to his daughter's difficult behaviors.

He has professed that he was driven to contemplate suicide when I recently ended our relationship, insisting that he cannot envision a life without me and that I mean everything to him. These declarations have kept me in a perpetual state of anxiety. While I acknowledge his struggles with mental health and have diligently supported his healing journey, I eventually realized the detrimental impact our relationship was having on my own mental well-being. After dedicating years looking after his.

I concur that we are not meant to be together at this moment. While I held onto hope that in the future, once he has healed and our children are older, there might be a chance to reignite our connection, I now question the authenticity of his professed love throughout our time together.

Narcissists view people as possession. Children are often viewed as extensions on themselves. This can lead to them becoming angry with DC for expressing differing viewpoints to them.
It sounds like a very odd set up. If he truly has narcissist tendencies, unfortunately he’s very unlikely to change (because why would a narcissist need to change? They’re perfect!).
It sounds like you had a very strange set up anyway. I think you probably need some time to process everything on your own. I found Caroline Strawson’s social media and videos helpful when I split from XH (who I believe has narcissistic traits).

Thank you for your input. In reality, he didn't exhibit traits of a typical narcissist but rather those of a covert narcissist. He appeared as a very insecure individual who subtly worked to undermine my self-esteem and instill self-doubt in me. Everything seemed to be a constant jest. For instance, whenever I ate, he would comment, "Are you sure you should be eating that?" even if it was my only meal of the day. My achievements would be belittled with remarks like, "People only like you because you're a woman." When I recently sold a painting for £2500, a moment I found deeply fulfilling, his response was, "I just don't get it, it's not that good." About 70% of his interactions with me followed this pattern, disguised as jokes, with him dismissing my feelings as oversensitivity.Toward the end, I confided in him about my struggles with mental health, my loss of appetite and sleep, to which he callously responded, "That's alright, at least you'll lose some weight." (Im 9 stone) As our relationship unraveled, I began to see through his facade, recognizing that his hurtful behavior stemmed from his own inner turmoil that he projected onto me. Despite my efforts over the years to assist him and raise his self-awareness, the dynamic persisted.It's disheartening because our initial bond felt so strong, and he was never like this before. Witnessing his recent decision to seek therapy sparked a glimmer of hope within me.I pondered whether these destructive patterns were something he could overcome, considering they were not present in his past behavior.Was the whole relationship and his "love" for me a lie. I'm trying to get my head around all of this.

Not to mention constantly feeling fearful I would set him off by not responding to his messages quick enough, being on social media, wearing certain clothes etc etc.
I stopped wearing makeup about a year ago and went back to my natural colour (ginger) I was met with many comments like "do you not want me to be attracted to you"

I can't say for certain he is a covert narcissist, all I can say is that his behaviour and threats left me in a constant state of fear and very mentally sick.

I am so confused to how this is so difficult to the beginning of our relationship and if these traits could be healed.

I think reading up more about covert narcissism could be helpful. But the key thing is (especially from your update) is that he does sound abusive. He’s criticising you, he’s making you doubt yourself, he’s negging you.
Men like this aren’t obvious to start with, if they were they’d never be in relationships! It comes on slowly…odd comment here. Snide remark there. I was married for 13 years and I didn’t realise I was in an abusive marriage until almost a year after we split up!
Ultimately he won’t change. This is who he is. I would highly recommend getting some talking therapy to work through this. My sense of self has improved dramatically in the last 2 1/2 years. It’s taken a lot of work (talking therapy, medication, online seminars, gym!) but it’s been worth it.

How's your child doing?

My son is doing fine; he just turned 4. His father has regular contact with him every other weekend. I raised concerns after a weekend when his father dropped him off and expressed, "I just don't like him," because my son had been particularly difficult that day. I also have concerns about my son witnessing his sister's behavioral problems during their visits, as she can be violent. I've also expressed my concerns to his father about our son observing his lack of respect towards me.

My son gets confused about why his sister and father live together and have a strong bond, as he cannot see his dad as often. This confusion leads him to lash out at me because it seems like I am the one preventing him from seeing his dad.

I do trust that my son's father safeguards him from his daughter, but I am mainly concerned about what my son witnesses in terms of their attitudes.

Despite these challenges, I have two older boys who are excellent role models for my 4-year-old; he is a very smart and loving boy. Unfortunately, I am unable to seek therapy as I am a single mother of three and cannot afford it. This is why I am reaching out for help here. It is important to understand that to those who know us, it may seem like my ex is a hero for taking on his difficult daughter, while I may appear to have abandoned him in this situation. However, no one truly knows what has been happening behind closed doors.

Also it's important to note that SS are involved with my ex's daughter for her behavioural problems. I have expressed concerns to them about a couple of the things I've stated above and they have no interest.

I notice that I initiated this conversation in a different manner, and now I find myself deep in a complex situation. This story holds many layers, and I'm grappling with why it's been so challenging for me to break away. There have been numerous instances of emotional manipulation, such as expressions like "if you loved me, you'd stay," and threats to his own well-being whenever I attempted to leave.

After maintaining my breakup for six weeks, prioritising my well being and that of my son by leaving, it has been heartbreaking to realize that he doesn't truly love me. Despite all that I have endured for him, empathising with his mental health struggles, and remaining in the relationship without gaining anything in return, I question whether his professed love throughout our relationship has been genuine or if my desire to reconcile after he addresses his behaviors is merely a manifestation of a trauma bond in my subconscious.