Husband texting coworker

[potatosaregreat]

Hi everyone. One week ago today, I found out that 5 months ago, my husband of 6 years was texting his female coworker via WhatsApp for 3 months. The only reason I found out was because her husband found out and threatened to tell me everything unless he told me himself.

He swears nothing went beyond very flirty, suggestive messages that involved them both imagining they were single. This all ended when she eventually put a stop to it. Needless to say, I was am still am very hurt. I messaged her husband to find out exactly what these messages consisted of but unfortunately he only had one photo of my husband sending her a message that didnt contain much (what he had told me was worse).

He had been diagnosed with depression a year ago, and a couple of months ago had his antidepressants increased due to feeling suicidal. Our relationship had started to get better after he addressed his depression again, but then this all came out.

After many tears, I decided to forgive him as I believe our marriage is worth saving and I don't want to put our LO through the stress of a marriage breakdown.

We haven't had sex much since our LO was born due to many reasons, including health, but now he is pressuring me and making me feel bad for not wanting to at the moment. Am I the unreasonable one here?

Bump

When you're deciding to stay in a relationship don't factor in the stress of putting your DC through a breakup, DC will cope better with single happy parents than someone who stayed out of duty.

I think pressuring you for sex a week after you found out about his affair (I'd count what he did as an affair!) shows him to be a bit of a pig! What a shocking man.

You only found out a week ago that he was messaging another woman and he's putting you under pressure to have sex? No, no and no you are not being unreasonable.

If you are going to make this work he needs to give you space to process, he needs to earn your trust. He needs to prove that he is worth staying with.

This has only just happened so you need to give yourself time and don’t need to make any big decisions just now.

He absolutely should not be pressuring you about anything let alone sex.

I have been where you are only i found out. I was devastated took me about 12 months to get over it even though supposidly nothing happened physically it was the emotional side of it that hurt the most.

I honestly wish i had ended my marriage to him there and then but like you i had a 2 yr old and saw it was a blip, he learnt his lesson, wouldn't do it again. I was wrong 2yrs later he did it again but this time it was a full on affair, he was with her for at least a year befor i found out and in that same time we got pregnant, miscarried and brought a house and he was living a double life.

I dont want to put you off but its unlikely he wont do it again.

Yet another husband with mental health issues and the only way to solve it is by shagging another woman. When I had anxiety (with good reason) my response wasn't to shag or flirt or message (whatever) another bloke. I get fucking sick of these men and their supposed mental health issues.

What is he doing to support you through this? He should be begging forgiveness not begging for sex. How/what is he doing to restore trust and look inwardly at himself & his behaviour to see why he basically wanted to have someone else in your marriage (don't let him say your not enough because he wants more sex) he is the untrustworthy inadequate person in this relationship. What was his plans for this other woman/where did he see it going.

@potatosaregreat, he hasn’t been depressed with his OW. He’s too been busy acting like a single guy and having a flirtatious EA with her — in other words, cheating on and humiliating you. Their colleagues are likely well aware.

It’s outrageous that he is abusing you by being a sex pest after investing in infidelity. His focus should be on moving mountains to restore your trust and help you heal. He doesn’t get to dictate your recovery schedule or put even an ounce of pressure on you. Accountability, honesty, transparency, empathy, respect for your recovery requirements, and exploring his character deficiencies that enabled his cheating — if these aren’t his priorities, you are in a false reconciliation.

I wouldn’t be staying with such a self-serving, faithless player who feels entitled to make a fool of his Wife (and children) and then expects sexual servicing. If you are determined to stay, fiercely tell him to back way off and put in the work to prove himself worthy.

Oh dear, so depression is being blamed for him being a pig, good luck with that.

I get so mad reading things like this. And also divorced parents are not the worst thing to happen to a child op so please don't imply that.

A week after you've found him cheating he should be being the perfect partner trying to make it up to you, not pressuring you to shag him. Can you not see he's a total knob??

You can both be parents and not be together, I am happier for being on my own and me and my child have a lovely calm happy household, they certainly are not damaged by me not living with their father.

His depression is a red herring

He’s not depressed, but frustrated because he wants to go round shagging other women, but can’t do so easily.

I would get rid.

He had been diagnosed with depression a year ago, and a couple of months ago had his antidepressants increased due to feeling suicidal.

Oh yeah of course depression is rolled out🙄Load of absolute bollocks. More like the OW husband found out and he started shitting himself that you were going to find out what he'd been up to.

This. Funny how the "mental health" issues only usually come about when they've been cheating and / or are about to be found out. No doubt he's be off to therapy soon 🙄These therapists must be laughing all the way to the bank.

FWIW I was in a LTR with someone with severe, clinical depression and it was absolutely debilitating for him and horrendous for me and his family. So it really, REALLY fucks me off how many people roll out the "depressed" line these days when essentially they're just miserable / guilty about their shit life decisions.

God, it is so depressing how utterly predictable the script is. OP, my situation started like this, and ended up with my STBex being the office creep, with 20 years of affairs with young junior women in his workplace under his belt. It is depressingly likely that more will come out in the coming weeks so look after yourself. I got the depression bollocks as well.

Of course you don't want to have sex with him, and he really has a lot of nerve to complain about it after all this. Don't stay with someone who disrespects you

You've decided to forgive him. Okay.
What's he doing? How is he doing his part?

Forgiveness is extremely hard work and shows a real effort on your part.
Things he should be doing, include:

• Taking full responsability and accountability for his actions and the pain he's caused you
• Showing you that he's not just sorry he got caught, but sorry for what he did, sorry for hurting you, for betraying your trust. He should feel sorry for the things he did, even if they had never come out.
• Acknowledging that his emotional affair was a very stupid way for him to deal with his issues by causing more damage, and showing a committment to working through the reasons why he ended up having an affair rather than working on the actual issues
• Disclosing everyting you want to know about the affair, the why, the how, ...
• Proving as much as he can that he's trustworthy now, by being as open and transparant as he can. Telling you where he is, who he's with, ...
• Having active conversations with you about how you feel regarding the coworker who he still sees at work, and making compromises to minimise your discomfort
• Being patient with you. Forgiving doesn't mean repressing your emotions on this topic, and you will need time to heal
• Set aside his feelings and he there for you emotionally, even when you're angry, resentful, blaming him.

If he's not doing all of these things, no exceptions, then he's not motivating your forgiveness, nor is he worthy of it. Fixing a relationship after infidelity is a 2-way street. You giving him another chance is you doing your part. He's not doing his.
I would seriously reconsider your forgiveness.

He is still being an arse hole OP. He hasn’t really appreciated what he has done or how this has made you feel.

He has betrayed you - even if it was just fantasy. If the other woman had allowed it would it have become physical because this was an emotional affair.

Just because you have decided not to leave doesn’t mean you can both pretend it didn’t happen - and his depression is not an excuse. He is very very lucky you are not leaving and he needs to understand that.

Tell him. Tell him that he is lucky you are not leaving. Tell him that sex is absolutely off the cards as you feel betrayed and you don’t want have sex with him until you work this out.

He won’t realise or even care that your self worth and esteem will have been damaged. That he had most likely rocked the foundations of your marriage. That your trust for him had been damaged because he wanted an ego boost whilst you were looking after his child.

He is just now complaining that you won’t shag him and making YOU feel bad about that.

He doesn’t really give a shit OP. Look at him with fresh eyes. How you deal with this is very important- because if you let him get away with it he will have zero respect for you

Perhaps a lack of intimacy in his marriage for whatever reason was a contributing factor in his depression.. just perhaps.

Perhaps he felt isolated and that's why he was finding something (non-physical) outside.

Feel like there is more background not being shared. MOST sensible people don't just start texting other women when everything is great and going well in their relationship.

More honest communication required from both, but agree more time is required given the discovery. It is unreasonable and that is why i think this was already an issue for some time which was being ignored. Problem doesn't go away.

Just my opinion. You don't have to agree.

I don’t agree. He was probably just your common-or-garden twat looking for thrills and an ego boost. And probably a shag.

@Leanmeansmitingmachine - that is obviously a possibility, but it does not universally apply to all men and women in this situation.

You are NOT being unreasonable. Not at all!