I'm writing the thread I wish I'd stumbled on 10 years ago, I'm still processing all of what has happened. It's too late for me now as she eventually got between us in the end and I'm going through divorce.
Firstly, most of them aren't narcissists. I think MILs will often rub their DILs up the wrong way when the first grandchild is born. They've done things very differently to how our mums did things and to how we parent in the modern day and it will feel threatening to you. I think this is normal, we become like tigers protecting our young. For the first year following a new baby, you will likely dislike your MIL. Most of my friends did and after the first couple of years, the tension subsided and everyone found a new rhythm.
However, some MILs are on another level. Mine unfortunately was one of these MILs. She was overbearing, meddling, pushy, invasive, rude and a total energy vampire. She was openly critical and actively tried to come between DH and I. She would scowl and frown if he showed me any affection infront of her... her facial expressions were lost on him but certainly not on me.
Everything was her "turn".
Her "turn" to feed him, if she missed on of his firsts then the next first had to be her "turn". She would use this phrase repeatedly like a child who wanted to play with a toy. She was just like a child herself. She'd be adamant that "na-na" was his first word when he clearly said "mama" the list goes on. She wanted to be my baby's mummy. She would give me the silent treatment if I'd said no she couldn't come to the baby group with me and my friends, she would treat me like I was invisible for weeks, only speaking to my husband and our child when in their company. Sometimes she would speak to my child about me like I wasn't even there. All conversation was her boasting about her achievements in life, monologues that would persist on and on and she still knew very little about me by the end, despite nosey questions about my intimate life.
She once even asked our child if me and her son wore underwear to bed. 😔
I don't know if she's a narcissist but she most certainly has many narcissistic traits and it's enough to make her quite dangerous.
My baby is 10 now and he knows his grandmother is unstable. He's observed it himself as she emotionally manipulates him and plays him off against his younger cousins if he doesn't do as she wants him to. He's very wise to her. We've learned to laugh about her privately, and guess what she might say or do next. He also has siblings now but she's not as fixated on them as him, which is welcomed relief.
Ideally, we would have nothing to do with her but my husband and I separated two years ago and are now divorcing. I've learned a lot. Mainly, he was a part of the problem and the relationship counsellor said so even. But, I could have dealt with things very differently too.
I was 27 when I had my first born, young, naive and desperate to please. I would complain endlessly to my husband about her behaviour so I became a burden to him. An annoyance. Whereas his mother wasn't complaining to him about me, so I became the problem. I was however trying to be polite and friendly with her despite all of this behaviour and I so wish I hadn't have been so nice.
My parents brought me up to respect my elders, to be respectful to people in general and so that's what I did. I think this is where it all went wrong really... I was expecting DH to see what I was seeing and respectfully defend me but he didn't.
I wish I'd been more assertive and less pleasing. I should have used a very simple "no" more which would have come across as rude but I think it's what was needed at the time. I think my DH would have responded better to me being assertive with her and clear than he did about me complaining endlessly about her instead. I was emotionally immature. I wasn't equipped to deal with her. I wish I'd made it clear "you don't get a turn because he's not a doll." I think my DH might have respected me more in the longrun. But she preyed on a vulnerable young first time mum and that's on her not me.
Eventually I blew up.
And this is what happens eventually if we continue being passive. After she pushed me too far, feeling very tired and fed up at the time, I lost my temper and told her I couldn't stand her and that I wished we had nothing to do with her. I told her I found her rude and arrogant and I called her narcissist. Of course, I was then to blame. My DH and his brother and sister said I'd been unfairly cruel to MIL. And I had. In my defence, I raked up all the insulting things she'd said to me over the years but it really didn't come across well. It looked like I was clutching at straws to defend myself.
DH didn't defend me and he continued taking the children to see MIL without me present. He treated me with contempt for months. Told me I'd gone mad. He was right, I was mad at this point- furious infact. And we had to part ways.
I feel like she won in some ways and in others, I feel relieved to have realised that DH was part of the problem and now he's out of my life, I'm free to find someone better. But I do wonder if things would have been different had I handled things differently.
I just wish I'd stood my ground years ago and had the confidence to be assertive with her. She's ended up the victim, like narcissists often do. My ex's family actively encouraged the divorce and even advised against any form of further counselling with me. And he did as they said. His father has a lot to answer for I feel- there's always an enabler protecting the narcissist and often it's because they are on board themselves with excluding a DIL who isn't quite good enough in their eyes. He, in many ways, has a lot of control, she acts up to it.
So, for anyone going through this.
Deal with MIL directly, discreetly if needs be, but directly. Take back some authority and I believe that a good husband will respect you for it. If he doesn't, then you have a bigger problem on your hands. Speak up, speak out and answer back. Eventually you'll just snap otherwise like I did.