Tough times with DH and a 2 year old

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Just looking for a bit of solidarity really. We're in a very tough phase where DS who is 2.5 isn't sleeping too well - waking once at night and then up very early at around 5.30 every morning. My issue is that I have to deal with all of this because my DH can't handle the lack of sleep - a couple of bad nights in a row sends him in to an awful depression. He suffers from depression generally on and off and the sleep deprivation seems to be a real trigger. I deal with the lack of sleep and early mornings better thankfully, but it is taking its toll always having to be the one up early and living off 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night. I just hope DS gets out of this phase soon as I can't see any other solution in terms of getting any help. The whole mental load and share of workload is another issue. I could moan and moan on but best not to even start on that. Solidarity to any other tired mothers out there. xx

I think you explain that DH needs to pick up some of the evening work and mental load so you can get to bed earlier and deal with the night wakings and early starts.

Have you actually had that conversation with him?

Lack of sleep is awful. I had the most horrendous times with both my boys when they were babies/toddlers. I also found I did the lion share of getting up because their Dad worked and had to be up early. In hindsight, this was completely unfair as being a SAHM is also a stressful full time job. He should be pulling his weight!

The mental load and share of workload isn't a whole other issue, it's very much all wrapped up in the same issue, which is he is not pulling his weight. You feel understandably resentful. I doubt he's going to spring into action domestically when your child starts sleeping through the night.

so ask him what he is going to do to compensate you for doing all the night wakings?

@RandomMess thanks for your reply. Yes agreed he needs to do more. We do talk about it from time to time when I am close to breaking (like yesterday) and he is very willing and often comes up with solutions and offers things. But the sad reality is these things never come into fruition - after a few days he slips back into not pulling his weight. I hate having to become a constant nag to ask him to do the things he has said he'll do - it's so draining. He does have a high pressure job and works long hours so I do think he is also struggling with it all and perhaps has less capacity or resilience to do much more.

Well it’s also affecting your mental health, when do you get to opt out? He chose to be a parent, he can’t just say sleep deprivation upsets him so he doesn’t have to deal with it. He needs to step up or it’ll severely damage your marriage and people find it very hard to get over that sort of resentment.

You should be alternating wake ups or at least mornings. Both get a decent weekend lie in. Stop making excuses for him, he’s as capable of handling tiredness as anyone else.

And make sure you’re going to bed early enough. It’s so easy to stay up to get more of an evening but it’s not worth it. Go to bed before you’re ready to sleep and listen to the radio or read until you nod off. If you’re not sleeping at least you’re resting.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I completely agree he needs to do more - it is definitely also affecting my mental health now. It's such a hard conversation to have over and over again knowing nothing ever really changes. He is a great dad and works hard at his job so I don't want to berate him too much on here. He probably does more than a lot of dads I think but perhaps my expectations are high - my dad did so much when I was growing up that I kind of expected it would be equal. He earns a lot more than me and longer hours so I don't expect 50:50 but even 80:20 would be nice. I will talk to him again later and try again to get a better balance.

Don't leave it til you're at breaking point to address it with him and ask for "help", he is 50% of the responsible adults in the family. He works long hours in a high pressure job which tells me that contrary to not having capacity or resilience, it's quite the opposite and he feels that it's just not his job.

What happens if you do get to breaking point and your capacity and resilience goes out of the window? Would he like to fuck around and find out?

He slips back to not pulling his weight because fundamentally, he doesn't want to pull his weight. It's like the gym membership you sign up for with all good intentions but stop going after week three. He needs to know what it would look like for him to be pulling his weight, and what you need from him, specifically. Have a meeting, be honest about where you are up to with it, and where you see things going if nothing changes. Depression and big job are not an excuse to watch the mother of your child slip down a hole and exist like your exhausted household help. If he wants more for you than that he needs to pull his finger out.

Do you work too? If so it would be quite reasonable to say " I do early mornings, so you do bath and bedtime" while you are already in bed. That's a regular pattern of a deal, so less likely to wear off after a few days as it becomes his specific role.

Scrub the word nag from your vocabulary. It’s deeply misogynistic. You’re very reasonably telling him it’s equally his job to look after child and he’s failing. Read him the riot act and make it clear his behaviour is making you go off him big time, he’s being a shit dad and a shit husband.

Do a detailed excel spreadsheet showing how much down time you each get. Does that include his commute and lunch break? Also how much sleep you each get.

If he agrees to take something on, leave him to it and let him fail. His own laundry? On line food shop? Stuff for his friends and family? Him cooking?

No rescuing let him see the consequences of him failing to take his agreed commitments seriously.

Yes I work too, 4 days a week. I do think there is an aspect of laziness there - and partly my fault for letting him get away with it: I do find confrontation stressful. It's annoying though because the jobs he's said he will do (take bins out and vacuuming) don't get done unless the bin is overflowing or I remind him. I think if something is his job he should do it without needing to be reminded as it is his responsibility. But in that case I need to accept that things won't get done as often as I would like them to, which is hard - I don't want to live in a house with overflowing bins and flies and dirty floors. Sometimes feels easier to just do it myself even though I'm building a rod for my own back. He does do bedtimes 3 days a week and cooks dinner on the days when he's home and I'm doing bedtime (probably only once a week as the other days he's either at work still or doing bedtime). If I ask him to do something he will do it - e.g. any job around the house or admin or look after DS etc. So in that way he is willing but needs managing which is annoying. Feels like having 2 sons sometimes 🙄

I love the spreadsheet idea 🤓Right up my street.