If you saved your marriage- how?

[BlackBean2023]

Long story short, our marriage is hanging on by less than a thread. DD's GCSEs (which finish Friday) have been the sole reason for rubbing along for the last few months.

There is no affection in our marriage. Sex is non-existent- for me, this is be a use of a lack of affection, lack of support with housework, education etc. he would say it's because he's fed up with being rejected which is also fair enough.

No shared hobbies or interests.

We are both prepared to walk away now. I am in a position that I can buy out his half of the house and stay in the family home with our two children/dog. Am happy to do 50:50 but suspect it will be 70:30 due to his working hours being incompatible with school and wraparound care.

We've been together 18 years - since we were 19/20. Married 13. 2 kids (16 and 7).

However, we do still like each other. There's no animosity. No nastiness. DH wants to try to save the marriage. I'm cynical that you can save a marriage.

So, if you saved your marriage - how? Would you do it again?

Bumping, as I feel like i'm in this exact situation so very keen to see if anyone has any advice to share!

I would think that you can only save a marriage at this stage with some serious work and commitment from both parties. I am not getting the sense that you aren't very interested in trying to? We are in the middle of working through some tricky marriage issues but we are both 100 committed to making it work and are in couples and individual therapy...and it is hard work, emotionally confronting, and takes lots of energy and focus and will for some time. I never really understood the idea that marriage takes lots of work but I certainly do now.

Have you tried couples counselling - it might help you understand if there is an opportunity to rebuild your marriage and if not - how might you end the marriage in the best possible way?

Good luck.

Yes, not in a way you can engineer though. One of our children was diagnosed with a life threatening illness. We focussed on him and over those years we both changed .

DH wants to try to save the marriage. I'm cynical that you can save a marriage.

You would both have to be prepared to put work in and make changes. And sustain that.

It can't just be one person putting in the effort and it won't happen if you both just coast along in the same situation with the same behaviours waiting for something to magically change.

The structure of joint counselling could provide some scaffolding to initiate that process and learn skills to sustain it.

Genuine question; when people say that both people need to work at the marriage, what specifically do you mean?

My DS and his wife both in their 40s used to have marriage ending rows. She is fro. A different culture and different expectations of what she wants from a marriage and wants to go out all the time dancing, shopping and so on.
DS is a bit of a home loving hermit and an artist by trade.
They didn't want to break up mainly because life is too expensive for single people where they live and they don't want their marriage to fail.
They did extensive counselling and have both made a huge effort to make it work.
10 years later they are still together.
They go for top up sessions if things slip.
I'm really proud of them.

Exactly that. You can't sit in counselling nodding and smiling then go home and continue the same behaviours. You have to agree how things will change realistically.

What attracted you to each other in the first place?

You need to find some joint interests. Dinner out once a week, the cinema, comedy night, hiking, dog walks, theatre? These are all thing my husband and I share an interest in, and enjoy doing together.

Kid free time is important so that empty nest won't be such shock!

Bringing back affection is difficult at first, as it feels forced, but kiss each other when leaving the house and on return, snuggle up on the sofa, have a cuddle in bed. Sounds simple, but things like this can then become a habit and it's easier to feel more intimate.

Talking to each other about how you feel is very important too. Communication is key.

It can be:

• prioritising time with other person when you don't necessarily feel like doing it (there are always other things you could choose to do be that gym/read a book/see a friend)
• changing behaviours around division of labour i.e. chores, childcare and employment. Obviously no one wants to do more of any of these things.
• making sacrifices so the other person gets to achieve a goal or dream. E.g. I know a couple where the man is working an extra year in a job he dislikes to fund his wife to train in a particular field that's she's wanted to move into for a long time.
• lots of emotional labour, working hard to understand what makes the other person tick or why they're unhappy

All of these examples require one or (usually) both parties to do things they don't really want to in the name of improving or salvaging a relationship. It can be done but both sides have to accept what it is and what will be required.

I think listening is a huge part of that too and actively pulling oneself out of patterned thinking. Working effectively on communication around this and hearing and understanding the other party’s stance and language. In short it’s committing to try to rediscover why you were so keen to be a team in the first place, and if as part of that journey it becomes apparent that your paths are on different trajectories then at least there’s understanding as to why that is or what would be needed to realign.

We started spending more time together. Instead of letting things that upset us build up we spoke about. Took time out of our day to phone and say hello. We went out more just us too. We listened to each other.

we went from me nearly walking out the door to being happy. It didn’t happen overnight. We do still argue. But I never stopped loving him so that was on my opinion and reason to keep trying.

when we are together our phones are not out. I have seen couples sit while having a coffee and both sat staring at their phones. If u sit in these places and look around see how often this is happening.

Out of everything we did to try and change it. Spending actual time together as a couple , just me and him , not being a mum and dad was the biggest game changer. He still drives me mad. He still does all the annoying things he did before. Neither one of us changed who we were. We just went back to being us again. Taking care of our relationship is now our top priority.

You would both have to at least want to. And know what it was that you wanted to save, and why. Start there.

Thanks all.

I hope this thread helps someone.

For me, I think it's solidified how I feel- that it's time to walk away - as reading through these posts makes me realises I don't want to put the hard work in.

I've found this a really helpful read. We are Def at the foothills of counselling at the moment. No chinks of joy on the horizon.

Good luck op

After that amount of time you are different people. When is the last time you went on holiday with just the two of you or dated each-other? I think a conversation about wiping the slate clean and what you would like your marriage to look like going forward may be a great step 😊 Im younger and maybe don't have the life experience but with my pertinent I have found if I use positive language and ask for what I want without dare I say it meaning it is way more likely to happen. I try to compliment and acknowledge his effort a lot and it genuinely results in more of the positives happening again. I'm conscious some men are different as my ex was an absolute pain and would never work with me to improve things but if he is open to it I'd certainly suggest trying to have conversations about what you want from him in a positive way and make sure you make a big fuss when he does it as I guess you might appreciate too. I'm short men are like dogs, ask in the right way and praise them enough you'll get good behaviour but sometimes you just get stuck with a hard to train one that you can't wait to list on Pets4home 😂

That is such a huge thing to absorb, as individuals and as a couple. Really painful. Of course it would change you both, and the relationship.

If you ended things, what would help you both have a good ending?

I was really sceptical that me and my husband could change the destructive dynamic we'd got ourselves into, but we decided to give counselling a go. We found a counsellor who we both thought we could work with. I guess that was a sign in itself...that we were both keen to give it a go...it wasn't one of us dragging the other.

It became clear that, despite all sorts of problems, underneath it all we had a lot in common and there were lots of positives and good feelings about the other person. I guess that was the foundation, and after that came the "hard work" to make positive changes...something that I'm finding quite hard, because it takes real focus and effort not to revert to old ways.

Really listening to the other person...I'm not good at that, I've realised. Speaking up right away, rather than bottling things up. Taking the time to check in with how the other person is feeling.

I have been there. Just wanted out. Every time it happened I thought of my children's first Christmas with us as divorced parents. This motivated me to stick it out, one day at a time. Fast forward a few years, the children are more independent and I am glad I persevered.