Being with someone who doesn't want more children

[Lotslikejellytots]

I always imagined myself with two or three children. I have one DS who is nearly three and last year I ended things with his dad.

I have recently started seeing someone who I can see real potential with. He also has one DC who is 7, so a bit older than my DS.
The only flaw is that he knows he doesn't want any more children.

I always imagined myself having more babies but since the breakdown of my relationship with DS's dad, I have just thought about being 'one and done'. I love my DS so much and could potentially be happy without giving him any biological siblings. Obviously if things went well with this new relationship, DS would have a step sibling.

Would you pursue the relationship knowing that they don't want any more children if you weren't a definite yes or no yourself?

I wouldn’t pursue this relationship. You could end up with resentment and regrets.

It's not a flaw, it's his choice and you should respect that. End the relationship if it's not something you can agree with.

I think you need an honest chat with yourself. If you want another baby you prioritise that goal and find someone who would also like children. If you want this man you will (almost) definitely NOT have any more children. To his credit, he has been clear with you from the outset that more kids are not on offer.

Think carefully about what you really want and go after that. You either lose the man or you lose potential future children.

FGS some MN posters just hate anyone to have a new relationship and are always so negative !

OP , you should speak to him! Be absolutely honest - it's early days .. explain how you feel.. which at the moment is leaning towards a similar feeling to him.. but you are not 100% sure yet and need some time to decide.

Babies put a massive burden on a relationship so you might just find yours becomes happier without... but it also might not. Only time will tell.. but be honest with him.

I would stay one and done - blended families are hard work and rarely work so you really need to think as your want of more kids shouldn’t negatively impact your DC.

Spend some time on the step families board before jumping into living or planning/ playing families with this man or any new man

One of you won’t get what you want out of this relationship and the resentment will fester.

There are some things you can’t compromise on, children is one of them. When I was dating I knew I wanted a second child, so I knew I either needed to find a partner who did, or remain single and go it alone with the second.

no

Dump him, hit the sperm bank

I wouldn't have even started a relationship with him.

If you think you might want another child, this is not the man for you.

I have 2 and, despite initially wanting 3, I knew after second that I was done. There was nothing that could have persuaded me to have another.

No amount of heartfelt conversation would have changed my mind. I knew.

My partner is 12 years older than me and had a vasectomy 30 years ago. On our first date, he told me he'd had one and that children were not on the radar for him. I was quite surprised that, at 46, he thought they might be for me! But I did respect him for telling me so early on.

Not wanting more children isn't a flaw. It's a valid life decision, but one that isn't going to be changed.

So it's really your decision and not a joint conversation to have. If you might want another child in future, this is not the man for you. If you would be happy with your child and a stepchild, then he might be.

FGS some MN posters just hate anyone to have a new relationship and are always so negative !

It's not about people being negative about new relationships. It's about the fact he has already said he doesn't want anymore children. If he were open to it - fair enough but he's not.

If another child is something she would want, entering a relationship with this man is only going to make things harder down the line.

She doesn't need to talk about it with him. He's made his position clear. Any further conversation would only be trying to change his mind. Which isn't fair.

If you definitely wanted more DC I'd say end it, but if you think you could be happy with just the one you have then there is no reason not to go for it. I've ended up with one DC when I wanted 2, although in different circumstances. I'm now at the point where DC is heading rapidly for adulthood and it is lovely to have a decent adult relationship. I still have the odd pang for the second child I didn't have, but life is good and I'm happy.

Don’t, whatever you do, try and ‘persuade’ yourself when it comes to the question of children.

It’s a gut thing. The persuasion won’t last. You want more children. This is unlikely to work out.

One thing though - you already both have children that the other one is not a parent to. There is no real reason why you therefore can’t add to your number of children yourself, within this relationship. You could look at donor sperm and have another child yourself if you wanted to, which is arguably better anyway as you would really want to be in the new relationship for several years before having another baby, which would mean a fairly big age gap.

There is no reason why you shouldn’t pursue having another baby on your own while you are in this new relationship. It need not make a difference to this man, as you would not be asking him to have another, and he is presumably ok with a relationship with someone who already has a child/children?