Family secrets worrying me

[Julianap]

Dear all,

Just wanting some feedback to stop me from feeling so paranoid and sad about this. I'm a divorced working mum of a beautiful girl 15. Divorced 9 years ago. Been in a live in relationship past 6 years wotj a man I've known for 20 but he lived overseas . We only became romantically involved when he arrived to Australia. I supported him through his initial needs, visa journey. We live together. He assured me his parents like ma and my daughter. I wrote yo them often. They live in croatia. But after almost a year, I noted he kept his calls with them outside away from me. They never spoke with us. At all. After a big argument he admitted he has not told them that he is living with us because his mother doesn't want him.living with us previously married woman. It hurt me and my daughter a lot. He saw this and promised me he'd tell them the truth . It took.a year but he did. They then stopped calling him. Or so I thought . He proposed to me 3 years ago and since then no signs of marriage.he deflects. He does talk with them but in private I've found phone cards for overseas . And he refuses to comit to shared bank accounts or yo get even a small loan. I'm 52. Starting again after a DV marriage that took so much life from me. And im scared. What makes me sad is that I've tried . To contact them, ove communicated wirh him so.much it's pointless. I always feel as if there's something more going on. As a single mum with no savings, we rent, I can't live on my own. But I just don't know if I should call them direct and instigate a conversation ? Any advice please .

Don't call them - for some reason (which you may never know) his family disapprove of your partner living with you. It comes across as if your slightly obsessed with his family. Stop focusing on them and shift your focus to him.

He's refusing to talk about weddings, he won't share finances with you and he isn't open about his family. It doesn't sound a very promising situation. With all kindness I think you need to start getting your head around the fact this man may not be the man of your dreams, and to start pulling together a plan so you can live separately.

I sorry, you sound so sad. Are there organisations who can offer you support is Aus?

Don't call them.

There are plenty of cultures where divorce is seen as shameful and a phone call from you won't over-ride that, if that is what is going on here.

Ignore the parents. Focus on how you feel about him and his behaviour.

Other people don't lie to us nearly as much as we lie to ourselves. Wanting something so much doesn't make it true.

Time to let yourself be truthful about this relationship, and you'll see what the rest of us see in your post: There's no future where you are married to him and he is honest and committed with you.

You could afford to live alone before him why can't you now?

Sounds like hes using you

Could he be married already or have had a serious relationship and a child in Croatia? That would explain their disapproval and his desire to keep you apart.

I left a DV marriage several years ago. Lost my home. So starting over. Renting. V different financial situation now. Working but am concerned about partners lack of honesty with things I see as naturally occurring in long term relationships.

Could he be calling another person he has a child with back home? Could that be why he's hiding his contact from you and the family disapprove?

Hi behaviour is very strange OP. He sounds very secretive and like pps l'm wondering if he has a wife and kids back in Croatia. Has he visited his home country since you've been together? If you've never seen or spoken to his parents, he may be using their so called disapproval as a smoke screen.

What’s yr obsession with his family, vey strange, he has told u they don’t approve u can’t do anything to change that.

There is no obsession with his family. It's about transparency and respect. I have fully supported him for 7 years. Visa and in finding work, a car, dual incomes to.survive. I love him. I've exposed my heart and that of my child. My concern is that after 7 years together, he fails to want to financially commit, is happy for me to take out loans, and never discusses his patents. When they do email him they are often demeaning towards me and my daughter and he doesn't hold them accountable. In gave, the past messages are exclusively them. We are not asked about or mentioned. That is hurting me a lot now. And it scares me from a security perspective. When I bring it up he gets defensive. Says I'm emotional and 'I'm here aren't i' comeback. He won't get into a discussion about the future and refuses to email his parents back in my presence. I'm a mature woman and I know I wouldn't treat him like that. So its v hard.

Many would say leave. But I can't afford to rent on one income supporting my girl with some medical needs. It's complicated and I can't just up and go. The advice I'm asking for is in why he is keeping his family so secret and why he isn't standing up for us when they repeatedly hurt us albeit from abroad.

There are a number of reasons why he could be keeping you secret and most of them are not good news.

He could have another wife and kids in Croatia

His family may disapprove of where he is currently living

His family may be traditional and he expects them to disapprove of the relationship,

Hard to think of a good reason to be honest.

I agree to all points. I feel it's his mother disapproving of me. Nothing more than that. She controlled him for almost 45 yrs. He's far away from her and she hates that. Being so, why is he allowing them to hurt us so often. That's my issue. It's a deep respect that gets eroded amd it creates divide in our iwn home

And no, he's never travelled with us back to his home. He's gone alone . But not with us.

I'm sorry OP but l think there's more to it than parental disapproval. There's a reason for his secrecy. As l and others have mentioned there may well be a wife and children back home. Have you ever actually seen the nasty messages about you from his parents?
You have given him a lot of support but its very one sided. I wouldn't want to get married to a man who so obviously won't or can't commit to you.

This relationship sounds like you are both using each other . Not very healthy OP

Thing is we can sit here and come up with all sorts of reasons why he keeps his family secret. But to what end ? How would imagining all sorts improve your life day to day ? I strongly suspect it wouldn't help.

It's a cliché and it's well worn but the adage You can't change someone else, you can only change yourself applies in buckets here.

For 6 years this man (who I don't doubt for one minute you love & care for) has not shared details about his family with you, has not taken you to meet his family, doesn't defend you at all, let alone to the hilt, when his family are rude about you and about your DD. He will not discuss details for a wedding or set up joint accounts.

He hasn't changed his position in 6 years. You've spoken about this but he continues as before. I'm sorry about as a stranger looking in from outside of your situation, this is not a long term, loving, supportive relationship. You are clearly realise this at some level as you are unhappy and have asked a bunch of strangers, most of whom live half a world away from you, for help. I think everyone who has replied to you has said pretty much the same thing - this relationship is not going where you want it to go.

The choice is up to you - you can continue to live on a knife edge, not knowing how he feels about you really, being unhappy about lack of marriage, etc etc. Or you can take control - work out a plan of how to separate and build another life.

You don't have to leave today, but start making and actioning plans. Please

Thankyou all for your responses. Sincerely. I know I appear to come across stupid. But after my divorce, it was a DV situation, the love this man gave me was extraordinary. And I finally felt at peace in the world. All I want is ' normal'. For me and my daughter. He promised me that. I guess I've become lost in all the promises and then sad at the broken ones. Thankyou all again. God bless.

I'm just curious - do you understand Croatian? If not, how do you know that his mum is saying unkind things about you in various phone calls or by email? Also, why does your DP speak to his parents systematically out of earshot and not email them in your presence, if you don't understand the conversation or text in any case?

I speak croatian too. I've seen the emails and heard only some conversations. The stance is clear. Thanks to everyone for the advice. It goes a lot deeper but I'm clear in what I have to do , with time. Thankyou.

It sounds like there is a problem with your partner’s mother and it’s understandable that you are annoyed and upset.

However, I don’t understand why your partner’s family are the focus of your post. You don’t live with them, they don’t even live in the same country, and there is nothing you can do about the way they react to you. Your real problem is your partner, not his family.

It seems that you don’t really want to think about your relationship with your partner because you believe you have no choices, that you are stuck with him as he is. But it’s him you need to deal with, not his family. Your relationship is not secure. Everybody needs and deserves a secure relationship. You need to tackle him about why he is not providing that but above all you need to examine why you allow this situation for yourself. Why don’t you value yourself more? Counselling about your lack of self esteem would be far more productive than thinking about your partner’s family.

How old is he?