Feel I’m never enough

[Nevereverenough]

Hi, I’m 50 years old, I was subjected to constant domestic violence throughout my childhood. I’m married, 3 teenagers and a dog.
I’ve just realised my major issue is I never feel I’m enough. I was always compared to my sister growing up. She was more talented, more intelligent, more pretty and more assertive than me. I was always trying to compete with her. I never really caught up with her.
At school, I fleeted from one friend group to another. Never fitting in, never enough. The girls I wanted to hang out with, liked me but never enough.
As an adult, I made good friends but never felt enough. In my marriage and as a mother I never feel enough. It really gets me down at times.
Years of being told, some day I’ll be pretty, some day I’ll be intelligent, has had a major affect on me and I’m only realising it now.
How do I get past this this? How do I heal?
Any advice welcome cos I’m feeling very low at the moment …. I think menopause isn’t helping, but I need a way to feel enough.
I’m not sure why I’m feeling this now. Im
a people pleaser and can’t say no. I’m a bit of mess tbh.
Not sure why I’m writing this, but maybe I need help.

As the saying goes ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. You need to learn to love yourself but that can be easier said than done. It sounds like it wouldn’t matter what anyone says to you now about how you are ‘enough’ you wouldn’t believe them. If this thought pattern was ingrained in childhood the only way to truly unlearn that behaviour would be through therapy.

A combination of CBT and EMDR based therapy would likely prove very beneficial for you. Another thing you could start is active gratitude practice, every evening you say to yourself or write down three things that you did well that day. It can be anything from ‘I made a dinner everyone enjoyed’ to ‘I was kind to myself and took a break when I felt overwhelmed’. Positive affirmation over time will help alter your perspective but getting to the root issue and letting go of whatever is causing you to still believe what you learnt as a child will likely need addressing with therapy.

Remember to be kind to yourself, you are enough and always have been.