My husband always deflects in an argument

[bell1989]

Ever since I have known my husband and we have argued which is rare. I find any conversation that he deems negative exhausting. Even if the conversation wasn't about him.

Example: yesterday my husband had gone out with his brother and his dad for Father's Day - he told me that my sil is going to Sweden this annoyed me because long story short we have a history where I feel like my sil is constantly in competition with me. So much so in fact that her going to Sweden I preempted months ago when I booked Madrid with my sister and my sil said oh I couldn't leave my daughter and lo and behold I told my husband at the time I guarantee she will go somewhere now she knows I've booked Madrid. So that's the context of my annoyance yesterday when he told me that she is going to Sweden.

Anyway he proceeded to say things like 'why do you care if she's going' when I tried to explain he wouldn't listen but then would ask me why it upsets me but he refuses to listen. He then began telling me how I'm to blame for a few things that have happened with some people in my life. When at the time he supported me. Suddenly now he's blaming me and he started listing all these people I've had an issue with. When I explained to him about a group of friends I had an issue with I said that wasn't my fault as I had confided something in one of the girls and she ended up telling all the other girls which made things awkward. He even said that was wrong and this friend shouldn't have done that. But yesterday he blamed me when I reminded him what happened he said actually yeah that wasn't you're fault so I said why did you put that situation in the same category when blaming me for all these problems give had. He makes me feel confused in arguments to the point I feel like I'm going crazy. I realised yesterday however that to think he's gaslighting me. Is he? With my husband unless everything is perfect he doesn't want to hear it. That's it. I feel like I can't ever tell him how I'm feeling as he'll make me feel like I'm the issue. He said I was paranoid, crazy and insecure.

I don't know what to do. Today we haven't spoken and tbh this is a new thing for me as I'm usually the one to give in to resolve it but honestly I'm really enjoying not talking to him because I know it would be exhausting to talk about it because he doesn't ever try to understand. I'm not perfect but I admit my flaws. He seems to think he doesn't have any flaws whatsoever. He basically thinks he's perfect because he says nothing gets to him .

Tbh you do sound in this context like you were being very insecure. Why does it matter is SIL has booked to go away? Why does that mean she is competitive with you? It's very confusing to follow your post but I
think you do sound extremely sensitive.

Even if your SiL is copying you, the best response is to let it wash over you. You've made a decision you are happy with for your family, so has she, you both get a holiday, end of. So, I'm afraid your husband may have had a point, but it sounds like he could have been kinder about it.

You'll get lots of people commenting on the situation with your SIL, but that's not the issue here.

My ex would do the same as your dh. If I said to him that I'd like him to do the washing up before coming to bed so I don't have to come down to washing in the morning. He'd tell me that he did the hoovering that day. So we'd end up arguing over who does what and be in competition on chores. So the initial issue of me asking him to do the washing up never got resolved.

Unfortunately it wasn't just about the little stuff, he'd do it over everything. I put it down to him wanting to be in control and 'right' about things, oneupmanship over me. It was exhausting and things built up, resentment set in because I never felt heard or resolve anything ".

Well, telling you you're paranoid and crazy isn't loving, is it? Even if you were paranoid and crazy, that's not how a person who loved you would talk to you about it.

So he's basically being really quite unpleasant to you. Have you asked him, when you're not falling out, why he speaks to you that way? Can you ask him? If not, what stops you?

@Watchkeys we had a chat today and only because for the first time since we have been together (9 years) he approached me to talk about our fall out. When I asked why he wanted to speak now? He said so it's not awkward. :/. Because basically for the first time we have been in a relationship I found the strength to walk away from our fall out because all he was doing was deflecting and being cruel and the next day i refused to speak to him usually i would be the first one to speak. i surprisingly enjoyed not speaking to him and having that time to think. previously i would be the first one to 'give in'. I told him it wasn't funny as he laughed when he said 'shall we have a chat then'. I said it wasn't funny and then asked him why he wanted to chat and his response was so it's not awkward. that was his reason. he clearly didnt like the silent treatment. i wasnt giving him the silent treatment btw to punish him. i just didnt have the strength to talk to him because i know from experience he just says things to resolve things for the sake of it so we're no longer arguing. When i told him why he listed every situation where something has happened between myself and another person he said he didnt know so i asked why say that then. he has a habit of saving everything for one argument so when we argue its like a list of things that I've apparently done before but at the time he's never told me. he acknowledged that he shouldn't do that but i said you always say this the next day then it happens again. so i dont know tbh i don't trust him to not do it again. in fact i know he will. Because as he was talking to me he was half concentrating on his laptop. I dont know what to think anymore. i happily admit my flaws. i told him i shouldn't care what my sil knows but i cant help if it upsets me (we have a history together). During our argument he said he doesnt understand why it what my sil does upsets me when i tried telling him why he said he didnt want to hear it. so i dont get it what am i supposed to do.

@BuggeryBumFlaps I'm afraid of my husband being the ex. I'm so afraid. But at the same time I can't be with someone who has a go at my flaws. The way he makes me feel and I've said this to him is I feel like unless I'm constantly happy all the time that's the only way you will not have a go at me. If I'm upset because I've had a hard day at work and I vent to him not at him he won't like it because now I'm in a mood